There's nothing like the Holidays and a New Year to make you reflect on everything you meant to accomplish, the near successes, near misses, the shouldas wouldas couldas and all that! Huh?
I have been in such a funk the past few weeks, escaping in movies with my chocolate and tea or wine almost every night. Partly because I was feeling guilty for yet another year of not visiting my home and family for the Xmas season. Which in turn makes me think about not having the money for the plane ticket and all the other things I didn't have money for like the trip to Paris I wanted to give myself when I turned 30 or even the 20 bucks I owe a friend, never mind everything else!
And let's not forget of course that most of the year I had this expectation of weeding through the LA Dudedom to find someone to hold me and kiss me through my Holiday blues. Someone special to go to Paris with or even just to Solvang. Yet that whole plan somehow eluded me as well. I even reached out from San Diego to San Fran a few times for LOVE. And even though there were so many synchronistic moments of feeling close, and being on the right track, I seem to be getting colder instead of warmer. Any one else in that constant state of the almost sneeze or near orgasm before he decides to go faster before instructed? It's an interesting and frustrating place to be.
I feel like there has been so much change for me in this past year alone it's made the past 29 years feel like another lifetime ago. But I have had to face those painful past moments as well. Full force, Speaking of force, there is something magical and powerful at work here, I can't really yet explain what it all means. I'm a bit lost at the moment, and maybe a tad bit bipolar from life circumstance and my emotions being pulled up and down with these controllable and sometimes self-imposed events. Great guy turned not so great guy, job offer and then down-sizing, skinny pretty day then bloated PMS day, happy fun friend play date turned therapy session where I'm not getting paid.
My last New Years started with a bird that I fell in Love with the few weeks I was house-sitting, who died on me....that's so narcissistic....his little soul got sick and let go. It was one of the hardest things to deal with but the symbolism was magical and beautiful. That amazing singing talking bird inspired a song out of me seeing his empty bird cage through my tears. He went through his transformation, he freed himself from his cage. He showed me I had to do that for myself. Major life changes needed to happen! And they did, whether I liked it or not.
After a few more hurdles, a Car Repo, still no job, unemployment appeal, the death of a dear Human friend, and a car accident that totaled my car. I took a breath and smiled anyway, and thankfully had a ROLE to emote my excess emotions on.
So car-less in LA, jobless, and grief stricken I did my best to keep on the positive side. Through all the Forced Change you have to flow with it and trust it's for the best.
So, I freed my heart (or at least started too) from someone who couldn't reciprocate. But of course not before sending an embarrassing email proclaiming my undying affections that would be appreciated and rejected all in one single lined awkwardly typed paragraph response from a blackberry.
I would stop dating guys that were emotionally unavailable or "wounded birds" or Booty Calls.
Which had to finally be manifested into PENIS DETOXING! Because let's face it, in this town I couldn't find anyone with not one or all of the issues above.
But as soon as I did focus on myself, I booked a film playing a Lesbian, which kept me focused on me, and penis free.
From Feb-now there's been a series of Highlights and Lowlights that has gotten me here....
30. SINGLE. Career-less. Living paycheck to pay check or EDD check to EDD check. Crashing in a bed that's not my own until my friend comes back into town then I'm on the couch. Glorified House-sitting really except I got rid of all my shit to live this way......huh???!! When did that seem like a great idea? Now we have a storage unit! oops.
Dancing again though that's a good release for me!
Creative ideas are swirling, not quite sure how they will happen yet, I need about 5 surrogates to take focus of each one.
Taking online classes to finish my BA
And despite being LEAD by my heart, I might be backing off from the LOVE search and Penis detoxing again.
I was dating 2 guys recently that didn't pan out. The gypsy lover who completely makes me feel like a goddess but is lost as well and can't stay with just one woman and the other, over scheduled to keep his life in order guy who is awesome in every other way except for affection and face to face availability. Tonight, I went on a date with a new guy, clean cut sweet engineer, a bit socially awkward....completely not my type, which was exactly why I gave him a shot. Because my idea of my type has obviously not been working. And we had a good time. No crazy sparks, but he was a gentleman, paid for everything, drove to me, let me get up and dance without him, and gave me a kiss OUTSIDE my door. Not bells, whistles or butterflies but it was nice.
I'm excited to see how all this blah blah blah pans out.
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