Oh boy in been a busy few weeks. Was supposed to start school and have had no time to buy my books never mind read them. But it's been good. working! Flowing, manifesting, and spinning new wheels....literally. Apartment hunting, casting, and auditioning last week, and started housesitting in magical Malibu, where my major transformational year last started. Interesting full circle to start the next growth spurt!
Funny, I supposed now that I have a pretty much free day I should be buying those books and studying, but instead I have had a producer meeting for a possible job, finally did some 80s dancing downstairs to begin my choreography job, and have done some window shopping on the dating sites that I haven't fully committed to!
So the good thing I have found about these sites are the personality assessments and relationship needs questionaires....It's pretty valuable info and I have to say a bit eye opening. Cause most of us I don't think even know what we want or need, we are so busy just trying to fill this unexplainable void or scared to death of feeling that void and run. Well the more I have come into myself, the more I have realized I don't need a man, but it would just be nice to have one....and not just anyone, the right one, and there might be a few almost right one's along the way and that is okay too, each one gets me a little closer.
My faith has recently been restored in finding love with a friend who found the love of her life by chance online, and my dinner with the happily married british men...who actually missed their wives...that's nice!
So according to plenty of fish her are my bottom line explanations on my needs and desires:
INTERDEPENDENCE
Bottom line: you need someone who reciprocates a strong feeling of attachment to a partner but who also respects and copes well with the fact that you benefit from a reasonable level of physical and psychological space at times.
INTIMACY
Bottom line: you need someone who believes and acts on the belief that the intimacy of a relationship is sacred.
SELF-EFFICIENCY:
Bottom line: you need a partner who is energetic, enthusiastic and has high self-efficacy like you and will support or even participate in your personal and professional interests that feed your sense of identity and accomplishment.
RELATIONSHIP READINESS:
Bottom line: you need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled.
COMMUNICATION:
Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION:
Bottom line: you need someone who will join you in taking time to find a complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements.
SEXUALITY:
Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates being the center of attention in the bedroom.
ATTITUDES TOWARDS LOVE:
Bottom line: you need someone who believes that the best kind of love grows out of a strong friendship. You scored as someone who may be best described as "a realist with a touch of hopeless romantic.”
PREFERRED EXPRESSIONS OF AFFECTION:
Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection openly and directly – such as spontaneous compliments, daily “I love you’s,” occasional notes for you to find and recognition of your achievements. This does not necessarily mean that you neither like nor need Actions. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who feels that simple or grand acts of kindness are no substitutes for other expressions of affection – such as telling you how they feel, treating you like a partner, touching you lovingly, spending time with you or remembering special occasions with a thoughtful gift.
Hmmm...So if you see him out there send him my way! Other than that, I'll be flowing with the wind, following my heart, letting go and letting god and goddess guide me, that seems to be when everything falls into place.
Smile through the chaos, it's all perfect!
Love, me
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Life Parallels Art and Signs ARE Everywhere
First of all.....fuck you for trying to make me feel shitty about myself! Said by Tami, the role I just played and now by the angry girl inside of me who just had her ego bruise by a boy, in a man's body. The devil card followed by the 2 of cups reversed with the page of cups attached, and ending with the Empress reversed...need to turn that one around. But pretty dead on.......not to mention the appearance of Hawks, rabbits, crows, and coyotes. major symbolism and warning of what was to come......yes i fucking said it! Deal with it!
It's been like ten years since my last confess...I mean blog. Ironically I started it right before auditioning for Danger of Being known by Steven Connell, and right before I met this boy. My character in the play blogs because that's her way of suppressing what she really wants to say. And this boy, who I kept hush hush about....mostly cause I thought it might be too good to be true, which he turned out to be, tricked me into thinking everything was fine by repressing his feelings, like Tami, or not saying what he wants like Paul (another character) his passive way of controlling his heart for not getting involved so he doesn't get hurt but in doing so hurts others, in this case, me. I'm remembering now I was vaguely warned about this. Yet another Mr. Almost perfect to add to the belt notch eh? "Boooo, So fucking disappointing" (Sarah again danger of being known)
I'm telling ya, it was a magical play, and people were changed seeing it, and I'd like to think I was, being in it. And besides the amount of conversations and revelations I shared with the "wonderful" man that I adored for a month and the weekends in Ojai that filled me with nature, bliss and gratitude, the new friends and peers I made, and the lives that were changed, I'm back home after a full moon that brought the hidden to light "The moon sees all" (yet another reference from Danger)Brought me to meet the author of a Faery book that I always wanted to pose for-which I will be, got more money than I expected for a choreography job I'll be doing in April, Got more casting work, legitimized myself as a business at the bank, and on the hunt for a new apartment. (suddenly I don't feel so compelled to stay near Venice)
Even with the good, I'm also fighting an emptiness of coming off a project and giving my heart away needlessly. I guess its never needless, there is always purpose, just not exactly sure yet why, could be as simple as being brief mirrors for each other, like the play was for so many people. But it felt bigger somehow. I also haven't been keeping up with dancing since doing the play another irony as Tami always wanted to be a dancer. But i will be back to gogo by friday. My ego will need the attention!
I'm mixed up at the moment, feeling a little bit like I've been living pieces of all these characters lives, Margret-control to letting go, Sarah's being stuck in the past to freeing herself, Jesse's disconnection to coming back into her body & art, Paul not speaking to standing his ground, Tami being invisible to dancing for the world to see, and Kim LIVING and "DYING" but leaving a peiece of herself with those she came into contact with. I'm not signing up for superficial connection so if that's what you want or need go elsewhere! A fish died tonight in my presence, after the "death" of the show and my whirlwind romance, its interesting that in a week or so I come full circle where Death started for my last year, my transformation into being the butterfly that the LOVE of my Life will sing to me about. I'm glad that the night out dancing with old people happened for me at 30 as opposed to Tami at 17. haha I'm excited to see the screening of my film LEADING LADIES this month!
Follow your heart it won't ever steer you wrong, it might just cause detours once in a while. And here's to finding someone who loves you exactly the way you are!
BE LOVE ALWAYS and BE IN YOUR GRATITUDE! (especially when you want to rip someones face off)
*Me*
It's been like ten years since my last confess...I mean blog. Ironically I started it right before auditioning for Danger of Being known by Steven Connell, and right before I met this boy. My character in the play blogs because that's her way of suppressing what she really wants to say. And this boy, who I kept hush hush about....mostly cause I thought it might be too good to be true, which he turned out to be, tricked me into thinking everything was fine by repressing his feelings, like Tami, or not saying what he wants like Paul (another character) his passive way of controlling his heart for not getting involved so he doesn't get hurt but in doing so hurts others, in this case, me. I'm remembering now I was vaguely warned about this. Yet another Mr. Almost perfect to add to the belt notch eh? "Boooo, So fucking disappointing" (Sarah again danger of being known)
I'm telling ya, it was a magical play, and people were changed seeing it, and I'd like to think I was, being in it. And besides the amount of conversations and revelations I shared with the "wonderful" man that I adored for a month and the weekends in Ojai that filled me with nature, bliss and gratitude, the new friends and peers I made, and the lives that were changed, I'm back home after a full moon that brought the hidden to light "The moon sees all" (yet another reference from Danger)Brought me to meet the author of a Faery book that I always wanted to pose for-which I will be, got more money than I expected for a choreography job I'll be doing in April, Got more casting work, legitimized myself as a business at the bank, and on the hunt for a new apartment. (suddenly I don't feel so compelled to stay near Venice)
Even with the good, I'm also fighting an emptiness of coming off a project and giving my heart away needlessly. I guess its never needless, there is always purpose, just not exactly sure yet why, could be as simple as being brief mirrors for each other, like the play was for so many people. But it felt bigger somehow. I also haven't been keeping up with dancing since doing the play another irony as Tami always wanted to be a dancer. But i will be back to gogo by friday. My ego will need the attention!
I'm mixed up at the moment, feeling a little bit like I've been living pieces of all these characters lives, Margret-control to letting go, Sarah's being stuck in the past to freeing herself, Jesse's disconnection to coming back into her body & art, Paul not speaking to standing his ground, Tami being invisible to dancing for the world to see, and Kim LIVING and "DYING" but leaving a peiece of herself with those she came into contact with. I'm not signing up for superficial connection so if that's what you want or need go elsewhere! A fish died tonight in my presence, after the "death" of the show and my whirlwind romance, its interesting that in a week or so I come full circle where Death started for my last year, my transformation into being the butterfly that the LOVE of my Life will sing to me about. I'm glad that the night out dancing with old people happened for me at 30 as opposed to Tami at 17. haha I'm excited to see the screening of my film LEADING LADIES this month!
Follow your heart it won't ever steer you wrong, it might just cause detours once in a while. And here's to finding someone who loves you exactly the way you are!
BE LOVE ALWAYS and BE IN YOUR GRATITUDE! (especially when you want to rip someones face off)
*Me*
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