Well, Hi! My goodness where to begin? It seems my life has been full of full circles in the past few months. What I am most present to is returning to a job situation that is so close yet so far to what I want to do.....Casting. I am creating jobs for other actors which distracts from me getting my own. It's an act of service that I love. And I have found a new talent in director that I would like to explore, but at the cost of irritation, stress, self sacrificing, distraction and burn out - So really who am I serving in that state. I am in an immediate bad mood when dealing with this part of the commercial world. Things feel out of integrity, Judgmental, and fear based controlling not at all what I have been working to be a stand for. So I made a very scary yet powerful decision to be DONE! Never again, will I be doing this job for these people. AHHHHH. Sweet freedom.
They aren't bad people, outside of working with them I adore and respect them and can even accept their imperfections but to be connected in this way just doesn't work! Its dis-empowering in ways, and I have noticed a definite pattern in every time I make forward motion with my acting one of these jobs pop up. My fear and lack mentality get the better of me thinking I NEED it. When really They NEED me, that is a major shift that I am starting to understand in own your worth in Business. I have always just taken what was being offered. How pathetic is that. But It's a lesson, this time around I was given an opportunity to stand up for myself like never before, see through the bullshit, get screwed over and state ONCE AND FOR ALL, I am done. If I don't claim my worth who else will. This is for sure for the good of all. They need a type A personality that can school there asses, and I need to follow my heart.
Which brings me to Europe. Europe for sure has my heart. I was recently brought there by the director of my last film Goetz Neumman with IN THE NIGHT. I ironically and so perfectly played a character named Jane going through a very similar work situation. This was for sure a dream come true. To work on a creative project with a higher purpose in Europe. We did they ADR and VO work in Cologne Germany, which is a sweet Beautiful place. And the icing I got a few days off the Explore Paris which has been a life long dream. I have a Love hate relationship with Paris, mostly love. Paris has it's way with you, you can't control it just like any passionate love affair.
Speaking of....my next full circle, I have been spending lots of time with my ex, it's started before I left for Europe and he was completely up my ass the whole time I was gone with I miss you's and I love you's, everything I always wanted to hear. And I'm sure I have said on more than a few occasions I was done with this situation too. But he is like a new man. Literally. The potential I saw in Him, he is allowing himself to be. And this time around I like my own reflect in him a lot more. Not to say we haven't had little bumps in the road in the past few weeks but it's was mostly past conditions and habits we had resurfacing so we could work through it in a new and healthy way. It's been Nice and I'm trying to keep myself in trust and openness to whatever it is while being true to me. We are both very career passionate and focused people and both get distracted in relationship and other obligations that take us away from our heart jobs. But we both have soooo much talent and expression to share with the world. I think we both need to learn that choosing ours first isn't a bad thing, it's actually necessary to choose EVERYONE ELSE. I can at least speak for myself at this point.
I don't need to act to serve my ego anymore As I am only interested in roles & stories that will move, inspire, and heal. Those are hard to come by. So in the meantime I choose to continue my serve at Cafe Gratitude. A place of Love, Good company, and community support and encouragement. A place your spirit and worth grows! And not too mention the really healthy amazing food. And lastly my folks. This is very personal but if we can't be transparent and truthful how are we ever really connecting....through masks. That no longer interests me.
I cut off my dad after my trip back home working on the Sandler movie, we got into a big fight I was set off to the brick of insanity a place he is mostly and a place I haven't been pushed to in years. I moved across the country to escape it and heal. But it's hard to go back and not divert backwards. He's my biggest teacher in holding a seat in LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. But sometimes there is nothing to be done but let go. So that is what I had to choose, I couldn't listen to more lies, or grandiosity, bitterness, or regret any longer. I was done. Especially with the delusion most of all. I explained it all in a letter. He read it was able to understand some of it but not all. My mother was making strides with herself removing herself form the insanity and chaos as well. She was becoming more positive and self loving. Until around thanksgiving. She picked him up from some other crazy persons house and brought him to an out patient center that specializes in mental/emotional ailments. I have been asking him to get help for years, and this time demanded it if he ever wanted his daughter back. well they finally did it and apparently it saved his life. My dad had a stroke 20 years ago and was put on the wrong medication to balance his brain not to mention the continued prescriptions that I'm sure don't mix well for high blood pressure anxiety pain etc...you name it, they can "medicate it" My mom has fallen victim to her own version of this too. But This was actually making my dad's brain deteriorate his frontal lobe. Which low and behold, affect communication, rationality and personality, and oddly enough an injury another dear friend recently endured and is starting to recover from.
Well my dad no sooner checks out and comes home for Thanksgiving almost a new man and my mom goes in a week later. She tried to quick her meds cold turkey and it sent her into a tailspin. I spoke with her today and she sounds good she's coming home tomorrow. Times like these it's hard to be so far away, and times like these it's probably the best thing for my heart. another irony....the day my mom checked in was the day that a cried my face off at an audition playing a mother just diagnosed with an un-treatable disease. Weird. We are all so closely connected and fuel for each other.
Well That's the swell I have been surfing. I'm finding more loving healthy detachment from it all. As in not falling in the rabbit hole behind. I trust with every obstacle and seemed roadblock hurt and disappointment, we are being giving a chance to clear what no longer serves and come out better. My parents can have a second chance at health if they choose it, I can follow my heart if I choose. We all have a choice to make ourselves happy. Keeping ourselves truthful and healthy, mentally, spiritually, emotional, and physically in a huge part of it.
You can't save the world until you save yourself!
Much Love!
xo-Me
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