Wow! I am 33 years old today! Time flies when your having fun eh? I really want to start my day sharing and reflecting on what has come to me this past year and the growth and opportunities and dreams I was able to create. I have realized my connection to the cosmos and the moon/solar eclipse in gemini has DEFINITELY affected me in the past few weeks. I have fallen asleep to how amazing my life has actually been this past year. We have been conditioned to be insatiable and focusing on lack, and I just want to APOLOGIZE to myself and anyone I've encountered the past few weeks for viewing my world without my rose colored glasses. I am committed to being the energy spark, the positive force, and cheerleader of LOVE.
I think with my personal year end and rebirth, I have been experiencing Major adjusting, releasing, and creating. So regaining my new bar rings, regaining my new vision, reclaiming my Love & gratitude and self worth and after sifting through the rubble of what I could make wrong or uncomfortable or "i haven't accomplished yet" - I AM BACK! I have gained new awareness, new strength, and new hopes and dreams.....there is so much to be proud of myself for and grateful for. I am blessed with AMAZING people in My life, a great Job, a rad apartment and roommate (my cousin), escapes to Malibu, a working car, healthy food, creative expression, and dreams coming true! What more could a girl ask for....
To bring you all up to speed and to remind myself I have actually been super productive this year with creating the life that I want.....Let's start from May 26th, 2011 There I was just turning 32....
I was in Atlanta, Just left my cafe gratitude community which I adored but felt like I need to revisit the film industry and make more money...I took a job extras casting...not my favorite job, but the money I was promised was right! I had plans, and goals for the money I was bringing in...Long story short after a week of remembering why I don't like the job, sweating in HOTLANTA, and being a lighthouse for my own and the business's KOOKOO came....
My old boss and friend and personal Saviour at the time Kristan Berona with a better offer, Extras coordinating and stand in on a HAPPY MADISON FILM...A dream come true! I have always always wanted to work with and see Adam Sandler work. The man is a comedic and business genius in my eyes, and I got paid a little more than I would have, I got to spend time with my family (which always has it's life lessons) and I didn't get to finish the whole film because I had my own film to come home to....
IN THE NIGHT, my role of Jane a ghost writer who wants to be an actress and writes a story about artist trust and following there full potential, literally paralleling myself. It was a great 3 day experience! Intense amount of material to get through but it was great to play and express, and challenge myself with the character, amount of material and myself! (Months later, This same project later fulfilled another dream of european travel!!! My amazing Director Goetz Neumann and his incredible family took me in! I got to go to Germany, France and Amsterdamn, to continue work on the film!!! I have been manifesting Paris for years!! and it finally happen!!!) When I got back Mass....
My roommate moved, which was in her highest as she got a great job. I gave my cousin my room to stay in while I was gone and she stayed which allowed us to strengthen our bond. I was able to get a car FINALLY, and the Cafe was able to take me back! I was able to come back to my Malibu housesitting job....then reconnect to what was....a few months later I found myself housing another cousin, which had it's advantages and challenges but was a great reflection for me to look at where I felt I was lacking in career (because of his interest in starting in it) and my compassion for my male relationships (I hadn't lived with a man in 5 years) and patience and tolerance for those starting to going through their own transformations (both my cousins had to go through the similar releasing and shedding the east coast ad embrace to new and improved parts of themselves), and in general sharing my space, and what I need to feel comfortable and energetically sound. Another to be continued arrived...
A relationship I left, before the summer, resurfaced. My mirror, the reflection of my highest and worst self. Our bond is really unexplainable and the lessons and self discovery attached to our connection seems limitless, which doesn't always leave room for feeling great. So I have experienced many ups and downs with him, and 7 months later a lie severed our bond & trust. I have come to know about myself through this that I can not be with someone who does not allow me to trust my own inner power and intuition because of his own fears. I questioned myself. I didn't trust myself, so I couldn't trust him, and he didn't feel trusted, and then acted untrust worthy....but it's a weird situation of what came first the chicken or the egg. We have both discovered our old wounds, and help each other reveal them and hopefully continue to grow and heal them either on our own or with each other. This is the first time in a long time, I am attempting a friendship after a break up...And this has a whole new sense of challenges but I have discovered, now that I am living in my new awareness and commitment to Love, that its harder to try and NOT love him and be with out him, then to Love & forgive him anyway, however he shows up in my life. That's Compassion, That's unconditional love, that's truly loving myself.....The other way felt like torture, even though this way can sometimes be uncomfortable.
My lessons in love and community have definitely come from my job at the cafe and the amazing beings I am surrounded by that always hold me at my best....I need to make a list!
I definitely have Cafe Gratitude friends (all of you) to thank in supporting my heart & spirit & body transformation along the way.
From my friends and connection at the cafe....
Matty & Avasa Love for bringing me back to the dancer within me, by asking me to perform with them a few times....it's such a powerful spiritual practice for me that I let lay dormant too much, not too mention there music completely shifts me back into joy if I fall out of it....and...
I took a spiritual journey With Trent Farmer, who's practice was formerly called 8,000 arrows, and is going through a new transformation it's one. But from it I was given a morning ritual for grounding and focus, that I stuck with for 3-4 months steadily just missing a handful of times, breathing work & mediation etc. This expanded into....
Kundalini classes at Golden Bridge yoga, since cafe employees get a rad discount. A teacher Tej, and the teachings of Yogi Bhajan has changed my life! I started to not only take class but incorporate kundalini into my morning ritual, what a way to start my days!!! "Every women is a goddess" "Women in America have two choices, to be a goddess or a prostitute."
Where I discovered I was whoring myself and my services a bit was with a particular work situation. Casting. And just taking whatever was being offered, I never really found the strength to request/demand my worth. And the relationship suffered from that. I ended out feeling cheated, and like I was associated with a lack of integrity, or another truth can say it was a big misunderstanding. But I know what my gut said then, and its GET OUT. It was no longer in either of our best interests to stay working together...we both of to grow individually, it became codependent and an added stress in my life with little pay off. I lost trust and didn't feel appreciated in this relationship, and needed some space to find forgiveness on a human level. I didn't allow my feminine strength to serve me, I didn't portray myself as a goddess not to be underestimated!!! so that's on me.....
In sharing about feminine strengths in Kundalini with co-worker/friend Jordanna, she thankfully turned me on to The PAX Program from Alison Armstrong. I gained so much knowledge and understanding while I was in relationship and after about the differences between men and women, and what my personal feminine POWERS are. The gifts I have to share with my people! I AM BLISS, LOVE, WHOLENESS AND WORTHINESS - This is what I want to inspire in all I touch!
From there, another inspiring Gemini friend for sooooooo many reasons Alysse Fischer sparked a convo with me about a reading with Adrienne Fodor! Adrienne gave me some of the most revealing information of my life of where I was having blocks in career and love and my own worth. I received priceless advice from her and new goals to accomplish for my higher self especially in my business....and from one of Adrienne's suggestions and again the wisdom of my friend Alysse came....my new stylist.
I took on project "Getting Nikki's groove back" with friend and stylist Shannon Skillern, perfectly timed by the Universe with the Break-up, to find my best looks and working on my outer self, I forgot how the image I project, reflects & enhances my confidence and grace in the world. Not too mention a necessity in the business I am choosing to be a part of. Birds plum there feathers....so should I!
With my new improved inner self and outer self, it was time again to revisit my actor self. With all the new experiences, lessons, and growth I had since the Quirky, Flirty, Vulnerable me....I knew I had transformed into something new, and it's was time to discover that, to not be misunderstood when I walked into an audition. I took My Manager Sherry's niche workshop again - I have grown into Strong-willed, Authentic, and Vivacious! The Perfect fuel for my next goal....
With my new found confidence, fully expressed look, and Niche in tact, I booked an appointment with a Photographer I have been wanting to shoot with for over a year, Jenn Hoffman! Where I wasn't trusting my gut before, and listening to others, I took a stand and wasn't afraid to make the INVESTMENT in myself! Working with Jenn and her Hair and makeup artist Leslie Roderiguez was one of the best experiences of my life! And I got great shots the show me looking my best! Needless to say, the ones who steered me wrong before, were really happy with them....another lesson in trust my gut!
Also with getting my groove back, I feel like I have to give some credit to POF, of all things. POF, otherwise known as Plenty of Fish, an online dating site. This sounds hilarious I'm sure and after a few days of being on it I was ready to delete myself, as it can be a bit intense and find yourself soliciting attention you don't actually want. However, after day 3 upon almost hitting the delete button, I had an epiphany...why not just receive the messages being offered? I didn't need to go on dates with men I didn't want to just because they were writing me, I didn't even need to respond, but I could give myself the opportunity to receive compliments and acknowledge and connection with strangers who I felt inclined to speak to. What a powerful practice, and lovely medicine to receive after a breakup, I didn't realized how starved i was of acknowledgment and compliments in my last relationship until I was getting it from strangers! And one stranger in particular had caught my eye and my healing heart and charge my creative fingers to virtually connect and share ourselves. I have made an adorable innocent connection with someone I have almost deleted...a man who already sees me and holds me in my highest. We have such a nice kindred spirit connection and both bring unique experiences to the table that seem to already be inspiring, conquering, supporting, healing, and teaching each other with. This is very much feeling like a wooing centuries old, and I have no idea what it will turn into, but I know I have at the very least made a new amazing healthy friendship filled with possibility. Not too mention the other men who are doing amazing inspiring things that I could connect with and appreciate and learn from.
Speaking of connecting I have had some blasts from my past too, it's amazing how when you close doors others open, and with my new and improved view of the men in my life a few important friends have come back. My long time friend James Rhodimer, (co-created, ex roommate, margarita buddy,) and I ran into each other at a coffee shop one day, and it was like years were never lost. How I missed him! Another reflection where ego, misunderstanding, and stubbornness or negative energy of others can get in the way of great potential and connection. We had that, and we allowed someone to create chaos between us sadly. But alas, we had to grow apart to grow too I guess, and we have. We've both been up to great things. And now we are both supporting each other again in new great things! He's the reason I finally have My demos reels, proof that I am actually acting sometimes! haha Not too mention the finishing touches on my amazing Adrienne Fodor Photos, as well as some projects in the making....APOCALYPTIC PLAYGROUND & ELEVEN...stay tuned...extra bonus same day and time running into my buddy Norm, great writer/director who was the first one to see and speak my VIVAciousness! which suck with me!
In the spirit of getting myself out there! Although its nice to meet new people and try to date again, I don't want to loose focus on my career ambitious especially now with my ducks in order. One thing that came up in my reading is that I do have some reservations around acting and what have also come up is that it's not all that I want to do. I want to write and direct as well. I want to produce. Casting in the past has given my great experience and knowledge in working with actors, and the trusty seeker in me (which tends to come out mostly in my relationships...haha you've been warned) is a great gift in coaching actors to be more authentic. So where do I find myself....
My college professor Jim Beauregard, who talked me into becoming an actor in the first place brought me back to teach a class about surviving LA as an actor. Working with those students was a magical experience for my and was a beautiful full circle to remember how far I have come. My Ideal women can down talk me and think I should be further in my career, I should have more money, I could have accomplished more in 10 years if only I wasn't distracted by boys or jobs or WHATEVER. THAT BITCH CAN SHUT THAT FUCK UP!!! hahaha....The reward of knowing everything I have learned and experienced helped those kids, stretched those kids, gave new knowledge and inspiration to those kids, and brought my teacher to joyful tears introducing me, That was one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt like a contribution! I am inspired to continue to be a contribution in those ways and ways I don't even know about yet....
And someone who has also been a contribution on and off to my personal development spiritually is my spiritual counselor Renee Starr, who I have been seeing a agin for a few weeks. She has been a great guide for me in healing my codependency issues and discovering my self worth and hearts desires. I have received boundless tools form her over the years that has helped me make wiser choices, and greater understanding of myself. It's been great to have this kind of support and encouragement in my life as well. And we have plans of dismantling my fears and blocks, like facing debt for example as well as creating new business ventures
There was also some back and forth for another possible job in mass, but it fell through, I was excited about the idea of the money it would bring in, much like last summer, working with the same people I admire and respect, however I also had commitments here I would need to break, Malibu pet sitting, cafe gratitude, and myself with all my acting materials I just got in order, so it felt like the universe was testing my integrity somewhat here. So I made a choice...something I realized my ex was such a big mirror for me about, I was always telling him to JUST MAKE A CHOICE...well I had been living my life just letting things happen to me, being pulled where the wind would take me, and just saying yes without much forethought out of fear or lack, and as much as that kind of freespiritness is great so is it detrimental if for the wrong reasons. So I decided to make a choice and choose my first commitments, If I was to get the phone call I was waiting for and keeping people hanging about I would say thank you I appreciate it and I would love to but I am not available until my prior commitments are complete and in good shape. Otherwise if it didn't come, I would trust that I am meant to stay in Cali for the summer for something more suited for me. Well the phone call never came! Interesting huh? I made a choice I felt good about the choice. I'm telling the universe I am ready for the new and improved and bigger opportunities. I am here and open for My Audition for DEXTER and projects on the same LEVEL, and to go on a date with a guy who tells me how beautiful and stunning am am, I am appreciated my side job that allows me time alone receiving puppy love and malibu sun, I am committed to nurturing my relationships that I have here, I am excited and thankful to transition into Cafe Gratitude Venice and work closer to home and meet and grow with a whole new community, and I am open to whatever contribution I am meant to make that is for my highest and the highest for all I encounter.
I can contribute to the cafe by being open arms and welcoming I can contribute to my friends by being there biggest fans and cheerleader I can contribute to my family by reminding them how loved and appreciated they are MORE I can contribute to the men in my life but dropping my sword and seeing how amazing and helpful and supportive they are and allow them to provide for me! They like to hear yes!!! I can contribute to myself by allowing myself to receive and ask for help, and nurture my queen qualities and express my creative gifts. I can contribute to the world by continuing to teach, support, create, and give love when ever there is an opportunity, where ever I go, and with whoever I encounter.
Here's to the amazing run with 32, I am looking forward and upward for 33! I can't wait for the Great Journey that lays before me!
special shout outs to those who were not yet mentioned but have been with me through thick and thin for years, not only this one, who I love and adore and need to acknowledge... Jenny S, Savannah, Shannon V, Carolyn, Robin, Jennifer C, Christine R, Chris Sista, Jay Preston, Mike Darling and my amazing Family. My life would look completely different without you and its a life I probably wouldn't like....haha Love you!
ps...my peeps are amazing you should check them out!! www.cafegratitudela.com www.adriennefodor.com www.facebook.com/AlysseFischerMusic www.facebook.com/pages/Savannahs-Soulgarden/151388171538529 www.lotustar.net/ www.avasamattylove.bandcamp.com/ www.chrissista.com/ www.brashstudios.com/ www.jaypreston.com/ www.renrobot.com/ www.jennhoffmanphotography.com/ www.facebook.com/pages/Robb-Entertainment-Niche-Workshop/186209444816012 www.facebook.com/joeleckelsmusic <> I'm off to enjoy another new personal year!!!! Woooohooooo xo-me
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