NAMES AND SITUATIONS LEFT OUT TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT! haha But I hope this helps any of you who my need to write a similar letter whether you send it or not....this one was sent months back and was very healing. of course after an equally long one bitching him out...but this one actually made me feel better!
I'm going to try something new for me and my heart. Usually I have to get mad and angry (which I realize are the same things) and have to find reasons to use that against someone to let them go. To forget about them. To not want to be with them anymore. And I'm realizing those tactics don't work. Holding on to hate and rage and hurt and fear and lack only add more toxins to the wounds don't they? And yes, maybe this could have been avoided had we chose differently but we are here for a reason. We only know what we know in each moment and can only be expected to do the best we know how to do. We are here to learn and heal and it's a beautiful magical thing, right? And I am going to try really hard to walk away feeling better about myself instead of needing your feelings about me, to validate me, and hope that you walk away stronger in some way too.
Rejection sucks...no way around that. I can only look forward to another door. It's an opportunity to find someone who is going to LOVE ME, FOR ME. All the good bits, silly bits, cooky and crazy bits. Even the not so great bits. Cause that's what it is right? Finding someone you can love when you like them and especially when you don't in certain moments and that love just keeps getting stronger and makes you closer because you fight for it and each other. So I guess it's finding the one who will fight for you even when it feels like they are fighting against you. That's my hope anyway. Someone who hears you with loving ears, and an open heart and speaks with an honest tongue and loving eyes.
This is very strange and foreign to me, but my whole year has been about transformation, so this is me shedding my old reactive ways, stepping into my light and wings and taking on a new solution. So instead of looking at all the wrong things you did how about we focus on the good. So I will thank you for recognizing me as someone you wanted to spend time with when you first met me, thank you for.... (a long list of the great things we did together) Thank you for being so cute I want to rip your face off and thank you for the ridiculous amount of breakthroughs, discoveries, stories and happenings we shared and found with each other in such a short amount of time. And mostly thank you for showing me my capacity and ability to Love. Because I did Love you, There is a tremendous amount of love in my heart for you still, and if I'm honest with myself I was falling in love with you, because I'm ready for that and most of me wanted you to be the guy, at least the parts you let me see, even with making a few little compromises on my end. That's huge! I have never been with anyone I didn't feel the need find something wrong with and fix them, which is so ironic you felt that that's what I was trying to do in moments, and we in fact have done for each other in some small ways anyway. Thank you for helping me find my authentic self and being a part of me finding my courage to follow my heart full force. It's scary out there all open and vulnerable. But at least it allowed me to experience this amazing slice of life with you in this way. You have held space for me to show very part of myself....quite literally...from acting, dancing, casting, loving, hurting, witty, cranky.....fully expressed....I was truly myself with you always, which is also a first. You made me very happy, and I just wished you didn't feel like you had to compromise yourself to do it. All I wanted to do is honor the full expression of you, cause I adored every part I got to see.
But Alas if we didn't split, I wouldn't have felt he need to go to yoga and made those discoveries, sent the awful emails back & forth with you and made those discoveries, or gone to Agape and looked an ex in the eye with a smile and healed heart or hear in a sermon confirmation that I am on the right path and the way I am right now and the things I'm feeling is exactly where I need to be, and that all I have to remember is to breath through the pain, trust through the storms and connect to the source and Love everything else! I briefly lost the real me, the me in MY Present reality without absolute truth & love can't function. Nor well with others who aren't there with me. I'm very grateful to you for giving me all of that. And our last talk of giving and sharing through the resistance and fear I was feeling has powerfully brought me to write this email.....I have never felt this centered and peaceful through a separation of any kind. I think I finally get something I always thought I knew but never really understood, we aren't ever separate or missing are we? We are always whole and one and connected and in harmony. Is it our thinking that messes it up? Our judgments and opinions from our pasts and conditioning? So every time I "felt" you "disconnect" I was maybe actually feeling your "fear, thoughts, confusions, hurt or whatever" but not the disconnect, the fact I felt it just proves we were connected. Geez things that make you go hmm. sorry side tracked. haha
Disclosure: Not preaching, not trying to teach, or even have the last word. Just expressing my Love and gratitude for you, and making more discoveries that I feel safe to share with you along the way, you don't even have to be reading this or even have anything to say about it, if you disagree it doesn't matter if you do agree than great but it still doesn't matter. The only thing that matters right now is that I acknowledge and express all your greatness in connection to my life. And I hope, hahhh, trust that I gave you a bit of the same greatness back.
Of course this is all subject to change as I am a Gemini, and you know how that goes with 36 years of knowledge under your belt. But dare I say the same for you Mr. Moon/Lion child.....hehehe....see some tallish, dark, creative handsome man out there will adore that about me! I can't wait! You'll just be a tough act to follow is all.
Let love lead you my darling!
xoxoxo
Love always, the coolest, most talented, awesome-st, witty, adorably lovable, sexy-quirky warrior indigo goddess you'll ever know!
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