What sides of you do you show? PART 1

Hey Guys & Gals!

It's been a while since a had a good diatribe about acting. For those who don't know I spent last year & change really supporting other actors development. Helping them find their niches, picking out their best photos & reel footage, but most importantly learning about who they are, their natural essence, their strengths in expression, what they put out to the world and ultimately the type of work they want to be attracting. Together with getting specific and detailed and clearing out the clutter - We would implement ideas and I saw the ones that did the work for themselves get more opportunities.

In doing so I realized I haven't ever fully committed to doing the work PROPERLY for myself. I was making sure my clients were accountable, but no one was holding me accountable for my own career goals with acting. I did a half-ass version of it, and it would show in every headshot session I took, no matter how good the photographer was, there was a part of me missing.

As an Artist, I think we all have this underlying force that drives us to be liked or at the very least understood, so the pressure of a headshot session really puts a magnifying glass on that - and the pressure to get it right usually creates the opposite outcome. Worries include: I don't want to look ugly or fake or standoffish or overly confident etc etc etc - then what do you get? Someone disconnected & stuck in their head with a fake smile on their face. Basically, you have 2 seconds to make an impression on a gatekeeper for a potential job through a 2"X 3" photo on a computer screen. If you don't make a strong enough impression you don't get a second click of a button to see your reel footage, nevermind a third click to be invited to an audition. So essentially that leaves thousands of talented actors out there jobless and never seen because their headshot didn't make a good enough impression.

So I have decided to take my own advice and create an action plan. I got a camera for Christmas and decided I could just practice on myself and develop some character Archetype ideas before investing in yet another round of headshots. And to my surprise, I got some pretty good stuff! I like the word Archetype because it reminds me of classic storytelling - There's always the Ingenue, the Love interest, The Protagonist, the Villian, in most stories - However, now we see it's more interesting if someone has layers in their work. And I can go in to a whole tangent on that - but this is where our core selves come in, to make that Archetype a Human Being. And a unique human being that other people can relate to but only we can bring to the table.

Which brings me to my First Archetype JENNIFER

Jennifer is an east-coast girl with sass, edge and attitude. She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder from a tough upbringing. She's a bartender & rock & roll music lover. She doesn't trust easily but is loyal to a fault when she loves you. If there is a tough situation ahead, Jennifer doesn't cower in fear, she takes on the challenge and she stands up to fight.

I wanted to try on Jennifer first because she is a close version me and people I grew up around. Every BOLD WORD is an inner truth for NICOLE, the real me. She is also pretty natural as well, and not afraid to look bad. So technically speaking, with not knowing my camera that well, it seemed to be the easiest option to try.

I was recently using an exercise DALLAS TRAVERS teaches in her class called THE ACTORS BUSINESS BLUEPRINT, and I was reminded of the philosophy of researching backward. A few of my Target shows are stylized - fantasy Dramas. THE WALKING DEAD, VAMPIRE DIARIES & THE ORIGINALS - They are all shot in the southeast and it made sense that someone like JENNIFER may be a type of role that could pop up on those kinds of shows at some point.

So who would Jennifer's alter ego be on THE WALKING DEAD?

How about this girl? - I see her as confident, strong willed, the fixer, and maybe even love interest
I'm not wearing a lot of makeup - because on this show the characters are usually dressed in dirt.



And I could take it a step further and go a little darker - This chick looks a bit more fierce like she is in the middle of it already. You can tell she has been fighting for her life and she is good at killing zombies by now. The fear she used to have is gone.



Then there is the Vampire Diaries & The Originals (same creators)- These shows have roles who could be a Vampire, A Witch, A Werewolf, A Hybrid Vamp/Werewolf or even a mere Human. So either of the 2 above could probably work. But to take it a step further in tone of the show - I know these shows are CW and a bit more fill with "PRETTY" people. Meaning they make sure you are looking pretty hot covered in blood

So Below you can see there is a bit more hair & makeup going on, it's still on the natural side but Vampires tend to be attractive, sexualized, & confident beings because they can't be easily killed.



And how about a fiery, tough werewolf who grew up in the bayou? - she'd be a bit more country maybe even trashy so why not really let that chip on her shoulder and roots in her hair show for this one. But Werewolves are loyal and protective of their pack - and I think that comes through in my eyes in this one - This says GO AHEAD I will take a bullet for my brother!



So this is a fun project that I have been working on this the Holidays. I got a few more characters in the can I will share. Now I have to give credit where credit is due. These self-portraits would not be as clean and complete without the amazing retouching skills of James Rhodimer who also happens to be an awesome photography and filmmaker I have always trusted with my face! lol. And I would like to give credit to Peter Hurley Photography as well. Peter has shared some of his techniques and tips online and it has really helped me to understand how to capture what it is that has been missing for me both behind and in front of the camera.

I would love to hear your thoughts about these shots and the shots still to come. Also share if you have any character suggestions, favorite photographers, or even if you want to share your own experience posing for headshots. Sharing is caring and we can all learn from each other.

Comment below!

xo - Nicole

YO HO YO HO an Actor's Life for me!

Hey guys & gals!

February 2015!? WHAAAAAAAT?! Things have been picking up lately. 2 auditions today! That hasn't happened in a while for me. I haven't been one of those actors that's blessed with multiple auditions a day or a week for that matter. But I am starting to see that shift, finally. The past few months besides the Holidays, I have been getting out for commercials more than ever. I would like to think it's something I have control of, but if you have been pursuing any creative career there are sooooo many factors which are out of our control. College Degrees don't necessarily matter, internships aren't the way to work your way up, but connections and relationships do, HEAVILY. It doesn't even matter if you have representation or not if your Reps don't have relationships with people who can help you get seen for work. Luckily, I have spent time in multiple areas of this business. Some days I can get down on myself thinking I have wasted a lot of time in casting or assisting someone and let myself lose focus on my career and that's why I don't have some of the credits I would like to have by now. I could even use that excuse and put the blame on romantic relationships I have had, that were definitely cause for distraction. AT THE END OF THE DAY, That's on me. There is no room to be victim or blame circumstances outside of myself, and the truth is if I haven't had those experiences I wouldn't be the person or the actress with the knowledge and depth that I have now. PERIOD. And doesn't that give me a little bit more of an interesting story to share than being a trust fund kid using nepotism to get jobs. Hey, I would take that fate, and enjoy the easy ride, but I will no longer allow myself to think my path was wrong. I am where I am. And it's proven to be a pretty good place. Because I have really good trusting relationships with others. Most projects I shoot now are by invitation from people I have worked with before, most of my commercial auditions are from my boss at a casting company I work with part time. I finally found a manager through a mutual friend who has the same goals for me as I do for myself. And has been sending my picture out to all the shows I would love to work on.

The only thing I can control in life is me, my reactions to things, my thoughts about things, my focus, my distraction, my gratitude, my preparedness, the lessons I learn, the opportunities I recognize and my attitude from day to day. I don't have control over whether my face is the perfect face for someone's project, and there are a lot of actors who change their features to try to be. If I were to ever do that it would have to be to create the perfect face for myself because any time we choose to make ourselves change for others only, it is bound to be met with disappointment or regret and resentment. That goes for anything in life, doesn't it? All I can do is do what I do, look the way I look, and trust that if it's meant for me it will be. I can give it a little bit more of a magically nudge with my visioning and affirm my belief in myself that this or something better is for me, and I have actually booked jobs that way believe it or not.

2 Lessons learned and nuggets I would like to share with any other actors. First: Sometimes we don't see ourselves the way others do, and it's okay to ride that wave to see where it goes. I wouldn't cast myself as a mom, because I am not one, I think of myself as more of a wacky aunt yet a few of my more recent auditions are showing me otherwise. I just booked a commercial that I will be shooting this month as a MOM. So yes, I do have that in me. Why not embrace that, and get paid for it?! So last night I went out and bought a few "mommy shirts" at Target so I will feel more like that character when these auditions pop up. Second: DON'T take Sudafed before an audition, unless you are auditioning for a drug addict role, haha, because it made me really jittery and you never want to come off nervous in an audition or look like a coke head for that matter. My sinuses were clear but it didn't help me feel grounded. Hopefully it wasn't noticeable to anyone other than me, but the camera usually sees all. So word to the wise, stay clear until after your audition.

Here's a nice little send off from my college professor Jim Beauregard that brightens my day when I hear it from him! And I would like to extend that favor.

You're #1, stay wonderful!
xo-me

From Leading Lesbian to Junkie

So there comes a time in a girls life when she wears masks to get by in the world and compartmentalizes the different parts of herself on purpose. And there's other times when other's project masks on us, whether we like/agree with them or not. LA especially is a town, I think, that is mostly run by first impressions. Image is everything...literally. BE A NICHE or chance not being noticed at all. Which I gotta admit, being in my 30s now, I don't mind that at all. I've been dubbed a lot of different images by others. The aspiring actress, The casting director, The hostess with the most-est, that guy's girl who got away, that other guys crazy ex he got away from, the supportive friend, the flaky hippy chick, the over stretched producers assistant, the willful daughter, and the estranged California cousin. And in Acting, the working class victim or crazy girl from 2000-2005, the lesbian/bisexual from about 2004-2009, the druggie/stripper from 2010-present. In fact, I happen to be one casting director's go to junkie. I have been brought in straight to call backs after booking my first role with him as a junkie. Hence the first impression. And in the meantime, I am shooting reel to show my lighter comedic side. I'm a bit sugary and salty in real life and want to bring that to my "acting niche". But part of playing the game is making sure I'm letting that shine through when people meet me too.

Now in real life...here's the thing. I am a complex multifaceted person! I am a gemini, I am from the east coast, I grew up on the back of a Harley, I have a soft spot for musicians because my dad was one, I am highly emotionally expressive and need to release it either through art or calling someone out on their bullshit, I am very in tune with my inner child and she gets really excited about bubbles and butterflies and magic, I am a feminine lady with grace who shields a masculine sword. I will not ask you to change a light-bulb for me or even my tire I have AAA. My point is I can be your biggest cheerleader or your dark Angel of karma & lessons. So do not get attached the one version of me that you enjoy. Accept all of me or you will be disappointed. And I am willing to bet I am not the only one with this kind of request in life. Doesn't it suck when you feel misunderstood because of someone else's assumptions or judgments? I will be the first to admit I have judged others the same way. If you show me you are a drunk hot-mess the first time I meet you, you can easily be that forever in my eyes, unless I see other wise. If you lie to me and I catch it, because I always will, now I just assigned you the mask of not to be trusted. And if your awesome upon our first meeting, you will be awesome always, even if you have a bad day unless you turn into a d%*k. Just sayin'. haha.

So maybe we can all work on our judgements and assumptions of others and ourselves for that matter and allow each other the benefit of the doubt. It's a lesson I have been getting all year! Really all my life if I'm completely honest. And I was wayyyy better with acceptance when I was working at my Be Love hippy vegan restaurant. But alas, still a work in progress ya'll.

And this just in, I just got a call that I booked the Junkie girl role, yet again! Woot!

Here's to wearing the mask we choose just in time for Halloween!
xo-me

Reminding me of me!

Hello Long lost friends!

Wow! Has is really been since 2012? Needlessly to say too much has happened to put it ALL in one blog. Since June 2012....hmmm Highlights...

Worked at Cafe Gratitude Venice
Tried waitressing it didn't work out
Got really into kundalini yoga
Got a new Amazing roommate
Started to work for a Line Producer and still kept cafe job
Booked a few movies
Dated a bit
Shot a few pitch videos for characters I wanted to attract
Got a different Manager
Saw Fleetwood Mac live!
Left the assistant job
Got back together with the ex that I probably said in a past blog I would never get back with....love is a funny thing
Started a monthly update for acting, kinda like a blog!
My father passed away and I almost lost my mother the same night, quite a life game changer
Cue, therapy - east coast for almost a year - funeral planning, lots of hospital visits, life flashing before my eyes but also getting to connect with my family and learn more about our history.
Enter fixer, take care of business take charge oldest child get shit done to make things better somehow and get mom set up with care and healing and peace. The assistant jobs came in handy there
Being shown how lucky at the support and community I have on both coasts
Falling more in love and depending on my strong and caring man, while our past, fears and scars being triggered left and right from my emotional trauma. Cue more therapy and being patient with ourselves
Seeing my roommate finding the man of her dreams who is worthy of her love and
getting him as a new roommate
My dad wrote a goodbye song through me from spirit
Back in town, manager wasn't working out - NEED TO AUDITION!! Get a new one!
Starting working at music venue
Went to Maui
Hit Mid 30s! ekkk
Hid in a cave licking my wounds for 2 months after coming back to cali
Met my boyfriends parents....adorable
Dog watching a 15 year earth angel
Working at a theater program for inner city kids, which i love
Got new pictures!
Hit a few CD workshops
Had some full circle moments that help heal past issues with said boyfriend
Faced a fear and sang on stage and in videos with my man
Got to be in change of fun and games at roomies wedding shower
Basically living with boyfriend....but not...yet
Started a heart project to honor my dad's music
My auntie I haven't seen in 30 years came to visit Cali!
Roomies are married, need to move
Now we are talking about moving with each other
Saw Paul McCartney Live!
Still waiting for some damn auditions, and questioning my life decisions
My car got side swiped while parked - hit & run. book
A crackhead almost fought me because I said good morning to her. also booooo
Learning to let & surrender more, and learning it again, and again, and again
The doggy I was watching just past away and i'm a little heart broken
My mom had her new life birthday at 55!
I'm selling things getting ready to move in with my man! Big news, Big step after the on/off journey we have had the last 4 years. We made it a to a year anniversary for the first time this go around! 2 feet in!

so yeah.....that's about it! Now we are caught up! Love ya's! Make everyday count. The last life cycle I had where I experienced a lot of death in my life was right before I met my BE LOVE community. Transformation people! Death before Rebirth. If you don't do it willingly the universe will do it for you. But now what? haha - A wise woman told me to be still and allow things to be shown to me. So that's what I am intending to do. And blog more....and enjoy the rebirthing....but reading my last blog posted about MAKE BELIEVE was a good reminder of who I was, and that magical child that is always inside me, and I can always imagine things to be better!

Peace & stillness, ya'll
xo-me

Make Believe

Wow, I just had an epiphany because of a friends status update! She said "it's all make believe, isn't it?" And it got me thinking of MAKE BELIEVE....All those stories are stories of Magic and transformation. They entertain us as children but as we grow up we are taught that they aren't real, that we can never become a real queen or king, that we'll never find our prince or true love, that there are no Knights or wizards that can save us from monsters, or people trying to tempt you with poisoned apples.

I thought about this briefly, and got struck with this new awareness....MAKE BELIEVE - is really.....MAKING OURSELVES BELIEVE....AND THEN IT'S TRUE! The Good and the "bad". WE CREATE IT! Every thought and story we make up projects out into our reality! (which I knew from "The Secret and Law of Attraction" But Now, I see how I am writing my own faerytale. And I can see I AM CREATING it being filled with magic and love and transformation, and a kingdom of happy fulfilled divinely inspired people.
However, I've met my fair share of poisoned apples, and had to face some dragons along the way. I have transformed beyond the effects of the darkness, and I will continue to do so in my land of Make Believe. Unleashed by breaking the dark spell hanging over my choices and environment, I get to become my powerful, beautiful, and complete self! A radiant heart open queen who inspires greatness in her court.

What a gift! I get to tell my own story! MAKE BELIEVE, huh? Interesting how we all had it backwards, eh? BELIEVE...MAKE!

Once Upon a Time, In a land filled with Palms and an Ocean Breeze.....
To Be Continued
xo - Me

Reflection from 32 to 33!

Wow! I am 33 years old today! Time flies when your having fun eh? I really want to start my day sharing and reflecting on what has come to me this past year and the growth and opportunities and dreams I was able to create. I have realized my connection to the cosmos and the moon/solar eclipse in gemini has DEFINITELY affected me in the past few weeks. I have fallen asleep to how amazing my life has actually been this past year. We have been conditioned to be insatiable and focusing on lack, and I just want to APOLOGIZE to myself and anyone I've encountered the past few weeks for viewing my world without my rose colored glasses. I am committed to being the energy spark, the positive force, and cheerleader of LOVE.

I think with my personal year end and rebirth, I have been experiencing Major adjusting, releasing, and creating. So regaining my new bar rings, regaining my new vision, reclaiming my Love & gratitude and self worth and after sifting through the rubble of what I could make wrong or uncomfortable or "i haven't accomplished yet" - I AM BACK! I have gained new awareness, new strength, and new hopes and dreams.....there is so much to be proud of myself for and grateful for. I am blessed with AMAZING people in My life, a great Job, a rad apartment and roommate (my cousin), escapes to Malibu, a working car, healthy food, creative expression, and dreams coming true! What more could a girl ask for....

To bring you all up to speed and to remind myself I have actually been super productive this year with creating the life that I want.....Let's start from May 26th, 2011 There I was just turning 32....

I was in Atlanta, Just left my cafe gratitude community which I adored but felt like I need to revisit the film industry and make more money...I took a job extras casting...not my favorite job, but the money I was promised was right! I had plans, and goals for the money I was bringing in...Long story short after a week of remembering why I don't like the job, sweating in HOTLANTA, and being a lighthouse for my own and the business's KOOKOO came....

My old boss and friend and personal Saviour at the time Kristan Berona with a better offer, Extras coordinating and stand in on a HAPPY MADISON FILM...A dream come true! I have always always wanted to work with and see Adam Sandler work. The man is a comedic and business genius in my eyes, and I got paid a little more than I would have, I got to spend time with my family (which always has it's life lessons) and I didn't get to finish the whole film because I had my own film to come home to....


IN THE NIGHT, my role of Jane a ghost writer who wants to be an actress and writes a story about artist trust and following there full potential, literally paralleling myself. It was a great 3 day experience! Intense amount of material to get through but it was great to play and express, and challenge myself with the character, amount of material and myself! (Months later, This same project later fulfilled another dream of european travel!!! My amazing Director Goetz Neumann and his incredible family took me in! I got to go to Germany, France and Amsterdamn, to continue work on the film!!! I have been manifesting Paris for years!! and it finally happen!!!) When I got back Mass....

My roommate moved, which was in her highest as she got a great job. I gave my cousin my room to stay in while I was gone and she stayed which allowed us to strengthen our bond. I was able to get a car FINALLY, and the Cafe was able to take me back! I was able to come back to my Malibu housesitting job....then reconnect to what was....a few months later I found myself housing another cousin, which had it's advantages and challenges but was a great reflection for me to look at where I felt I was lacking in career (because of his interest in starting in it) and my compassion for my male relationships (I hadn't lived with a man in 5 years) and patience and tolerance for those starting to going through their own transformations (both my cousins had to go through the similar releasing and shedding the east coast ad embrace to new and improved parts of themselves), and in general sharing my space, and what I need to feel comfortable and energetically sound. Another to be continued arrived...

A relationship I left, before the summer, resurfaced. My mirror, the reflection of my highest and worst self. Our bond is really unexplainable and the lessons and self discovery attached to our connection seems limitless, which doesn't always leave room for feeling great. So I have experienced many ups and downs with him, and 7 months later a lie severed our bond & trust. I have come to know about myself through this that I can not be with someone who does not allow me to trust my own inner power and intuition because of his own fears. I questioned myself. I didn't trust myself, so I couldn't trust him, and he didn't feel trusted, and then acted untrust worthy....but it's a weird situation of what came first the chicken or the egg. We have both discovered our old wounds, and help each other reveal them and hopefully continue to grow and heal them either on our own or with each other. This is the first time in a long time, I am attempting a friendship after a break up...And this has a whole new sense of challenges but I have discovered, now that I am living in my new awareness and commitment to Love, that its harder to try and NOT love him and be with out him, then to Love & forgive him anyway, however he shows up in my life. That's Compassion, That's unconditional love, that's truly loving myself.....The other way felt like torture, even though this way can sometimes be uncomfortable.

My lessons in love and community have definitely come from my job at the cafe and the amazing beings I am surrounded by that always hold me at my best....I need to make a list!

I definitely have Cafe Gratitude friends (all of you) to thank in supporting my heart & spirit & body transformation along the way.

From my friends and connection at the cafe....

Matty & Avasa Love for bringing me back to the dancer within me, by asking me to perform with them a few times....it's such a powerful spiritual practice for me that I let lay dormant too much, not too mention there music completely shifts me back into joy if I fall out of it....and...

I took a spiritual journey With Trent Farmer, who's practice was formerly called 8,000 arrows, and is going through a new transformation it's one. But from it I was given a morning ritual for grounding and focus, that I stuck with for 3-4 months steadily just missing a handful of times, breathing work & mediation etc. This expanded into....


Kundalini classes at Golden Bridge yoga, since cafe employees get a rad discount. A teacher Tej, and the teachings of Yogi Bhajan has changed my life! I started to not only take class but incorporate kundalini into my morning ritual, what a way to start my days!!! "Every women is a goddess" "Women in America have two choices, to be a goddess or a prostitute."

Where I discovered I was whoring myself and my services a bit was with a particular work situation. Casting. And just taking whatever was being offered, I never really found the strength to request/demand my worth. And the relationship suffered from that. I ended out feeling cheated, and like I was associated with a lack of integrity, or another truth can say it was a big misunderstanding. But I know what my gut said then, and its GET OUT. It was no longer in either of our best interests to stay working together...we both of to grow individually, it became codependent and an added stress in my life with little pay off. I lost trust and didn't feel appreciated in this relationship, and needed some space to find forgiveness on a human level. I didn't allow my feminine strength to serve me, I didn't portray myself as a goddess not to be underestimated!!! so that's on me.....

In sharing about feminine strengths in Kundalini with co-worker/friend Jordanna, she thankfully turned me on to The PAX Program from Alison Armstrong. I gained so much knowledge and understanding while I was in relationship and after about the differences between men and women, and what my personal feminine POWERS are. The gifts I have to share with my people! I AM BLISS, LOVE, WHOLENESS AND WORTHINESS - This is what I want to inspire in all I touch!

From there, another inspiring Gemini friend for sooooooo many reasons Alysse Fischer sparked a convo with me about a reading with Adrienne Fodor! Adrienne gave me some of the most revealing information of my life of where I was having blocks in career and love and my own worth. I received priceless advice from her and new goals to accomplish for my higher self especially in my business....and from one of Adrienne's suggestions and again the wisdom of my friend Alysse came....my new stylist.

I took on project "Getting Nikki's groove back" with friend and stylist Shannon Skillern, perfectly timed by the Universe with the Break-up, to find my best looks and working on my outer self, I forgot how the image I project, reflects & enhances my confidence and grace in the world. Not too mention a necessity in the business I am choosing to be a part of. Birds plum there feathers....so should I!

With my new improved inner self and outer self, it was time again to revisit my actor self. With all the new experiences, lessons, and growth I had since the Quirky, Flirty, Vulnerable me....I knew I had transformed into something new, and it's was time to discover that, to not be misunderstood when I walked into an audition. I took My Manager Sherry's niche workshop again - I have grown into Strong-willed, Authentic, and Vivacious! The Perfect fuel for my next goal....

With my new found confidence, fully expressed look, and Niche in tact, I booked an appointment with a Photographer I have been wanting to shoot with for over a year, Jenn Hoffman! Where I wasn't trusting my gut before, and listening to others, I took a stand and wasn't afraid to make the INVESTMENT in myself! Working with Jenn and her Hair and makeup artist Leslie Roderiguez was one of the best experiences of my life! And I got great shots the show me looking my best! Needless to say, the ones who steered me wrong before, were really happy with them....another lesson in trust my gut!

Also with getting my groove back, I feel like I have to give some credit to POF, of all things. POF, otherwise known as Plenty of Fish, an online dating site. This sounds hilarious I'm sure and after a few days of being on it I was ready to delete myself, as it can be a bit intense and find yourself soliciting attention you don't actually want. However, after day 3 upon almost hitting the delete button, I had an epiphany...why not just receive the messages being offered? I didn't need to go on dates with men I didn't want to just because they were writing me, I didn't even need to respond, but I could give myself the opportunity to receive compliments and acknowledge and connection with strangers who I felt inclined to speak to. What a powerful practice, and lovely medicine to receive after a breakup, I didn't realized how starved i was of acknowledgment and compliments in my last relationship until I was getting it from strangers! And one stranger in particular had caught my eye and my healing heart and charge my creative fingers to virtually connect and share ourselves. I have made an adorable innocent connection with someone I have almost deleted...a man who already sees me and holds me in my highest. We have such a nice kindred spirit connection and both bring unique experiences to the table that seem to already be inspiring, conquering, supporting, healing, and teaching each other with. This is very much feeling like a wooing centuries old, and I have no idea what it will turn into, but I know I have at the very least made a new amazing healthy friendship filled with possibility. Not too mention the other men who are doing amazing inspiring things that I could connect with and appreciate and learn from.

Speaking of connecting I have had some blasts from my past too, it's amazing how when you close doors others open, and with my new and improved view of the men in my life a few important friends have come back. My long time friend James Rhodimer, (co-created, ex roommate, margarita buddy,) and I ran into each other at a coffee shop one day, and it was like years were never lost. How I missed him! Another reflection where ego, misunderstanding, and stubbornness or negative energy of others can get in the way of great potential and connection. We had that, and we allowed someone to create chaos between us sadly. But alas, we had to grow apart to grow too I guess, and we have. We've both been up to great things. And now we are both supporting each other again in new great things! He's the reason I finally have My demos reels, proof that I am actually acting sometimes! haha Not too mention the finishing touches on my amazing Adrienne Fodor Photos, as well as some projects in the making....APOCALYPTIC PLAYGROUND & ELEVEN...stay tuned...extra bonus same day and time running into my buddy Norm, great writer/director who was the first one to see and speak my VIVAciousness! which suck with me!

In the spirit of getting myself out there! Although its nice to meet new people and try to date again, I don't want to loose focus on my career ambitious especially now with my ducks in order. One thing that came up in my reading is that I do have some reservations around acting and what have also come up is that it's not all that I want to do. I want to write and direct as well. I want to produce. Casting in the past has given my great experience and knowledge in working with actors, and the trusty seeker in me (which tends to come out mostly in my relationships...haha you've been warned) is a great gift in coaching actors to be more authentic. So where do I find myself....

My college professor Jim Beauregard, who talked me into becoming an actor in the first place brought me back to teach a class about surviving LA as an actor. Working with those students was a magical experience for my and was a beautiful full circle to remember how far I have come. My Ideal women can down talk me and think I should be further in my career, I should have more money, I could have accomplished more in 10 years if only I wasn't distracted by boys or jobs or WHATEVER. THAT BITCH CAN SHUT THAT FUCK UP!!! hahaha....The reward of knowing everything I have learned and experienced helped those kids, stretched those kids, gave new knowledge and inspiration to those kids, and brought my teacher to joyful tears introducing me, That was one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt like a contribution! I am inspired to continue to be a contribution in those ways and ways I don't even know about yet....

And someone who has also been a contribution on and off to my personal development spiritually is my spiritual counselor Renee Starr, who I have been seeing a agin for a few weeks. She has been a great guide for me in healing my codependency issues and discovering my self worth and hearts desires. I have received boundless tools form her over the years that has helped me make wiser choices, and greater understanding of myself. It's been great to have this kind of support and encouragement in my life as well. And we have plans of dismantling my fears and blocks, like facing debt for example as well as creating new business ventures

There was also some back and forth for another possible job in mass, but it fell through, I was excited about the idea of the money it would bring in, much like last summer, working with the same people I admire and respect, however I also had commitments here I would need to break, Malibu pet sitting, cafe gratitude, and myself with all my acting materials I just got in order, so it felt like the universe was testing my integrity somewhat here. So I made a choice...something I realized my ex was such a big mirror for me about, I was always telling him to JUST MAKE A CHOICE...well I had been living my life just letting things happen to me, being pulled where the wind would take me, and just saying yes without much forethought out of fear or lack, and as much as that kind of freespiritness is great so is it detrimental if for the wrong reasons. So I decided to make a choice and choose my first commitments, If I was to get the phone call I was waiting for and keeping people hanging about I would say thank you I appreciate it and I would love to but I am not available until my prior commitments are complete and in good shape. Otherwise if it didn't come, I would trust that I am meant to stay in Cali for the summer for something more suited for me. Well the phone call never came! Interesting huh? I made a choice I felt good about the choice. I'm telling the universe I am ready for the new and improved and bigger opportunities. I am here and open for My Audition for DEXTER and projects on the same LEVEL, and to go on a date with a guy who tells me how beautiful and stunning am am, I am appreciated my side job that allows me time alone receiving puppy love and malibu sun, I am committed to nurturing my relationships that I have here, I am excited and thankful to transition into Cafe Gratitude Venice and work closer to home and meet and grow with a whole new community, and I am open to whatever contribution I am meant to make that is for my highest and the highest for all I encounter.

I can contribute to the cafe by being open arms and welcoming I can contribute to my friends by being there biggest fans and cheerleader I can contribute to my family by reminding them how loved and appreciated they are MORE I can contribute to the men in my life but dropping my sword and seeing how amazing and helpful and supportive they are and allow them to provide for me! They like to hear yes!!! I can contribute to myself by allowing myself to receive and ask for help, and nurture my queen qualities and express my creative gifts. I can contribute to the world by continuing to teach, support, create, and give love when ever there is an opportunity, where ever I go, and with whoever I encounter.

Here's to the amazing run with 32, I am looking forward and upward for 33! I can't wait for the Great Journey that lays before me!

special shout outs to those who were not yet mentioned but have been with me through thick and thin for years, not only this one, who I love and adore and need to acknowledge... Jenny S, Savannah, Shannon V, Carolyn, Robin, Jennifer C, Christine R, Chris Sista, Jay Preston, Mike Darling and my amazing Family. My life would look completely different without you and its a life I probably wouldn't like....haha Love you!

ps...my peeps are amazing you should check them out!! www.cafegratitudela.com www.adriennefodor.com www.facebook.com/AlysseFischerMusic www.facebook.com/pages/Savannahs-Soulgarden/151388171538529 www.lotustar.net/ www.avasamattylove.bandcamp.com/ www.chrissista.com/ www.brashstudios.com/ www.jaypreston.com/ www.renrobot.com/ www.jennhoffmanphotography.com/ www.facebook.com/pages/Robb-Entertainment-Niche-Workshop/186209444816012 www.facebook.com/joeleckelsmusic <> I'm off to enjoy another new personal year!!!! Woooohooooo xo-me

Casting, and Europe and Love OH MY...

Well, Hi! My goodness where to begin? It seems my life has been full of full circles in the past few months. What I am most present to is returning to a job situation that is so close yet so far to what I want to do.....Casting. I am creating jobs for other actors which distracts from me getting my own. It's an act of service that I love. And I have found a new talent in director that I would like to explore, but at the cost of irritation, stress, self sacrificing, distraction and burn out - So really who am I serving in that state. I am in an immediate bad mood when dealing with this part of the commercial world. Things feel out of integrity, Judgmental, and fear based controlling not at all what I have been working to be a stand for. So I made a very scary yet powerful decision to be DONE! Never again, will I be doing this job for these people. AHHHHH. Sweet freedom.

They aren't bad people, outside of working with them I adore and respect them and can even accept their imperfections but to be connected in this way just doesn't work! Its dis-empowering in ways, and I have noticed a definite pattern in every time I make forward motion with my acting one of these jobs pop up. My fear and lack mentality get the better of me thinking I NEED it. When really They NEED me, that is a major shift that I am starting to understand in own your worth in Business. I have always just taken what was being offered. How pathetic is that. But It's a lesson, this time around I was given an opportunity to stand up for myself like never before, see through the bullshit, get screwed over and state ONCE AND FOR ALL, I am done. If I don't claim my worth who else will. This is for sure for the good of all. They need a type A personality that can school there asses, and I need to follow my heart.

Which brings me to Europe. Europe for sure has my heart. I was recently brought there by the director of my last film Goetz Neumman with IN THE NIGHT. I ironically and so perfectly played a character named Jane going through a very similar work situation. This was for sure a dream come true. To work on a creative project with a higher purpose in Europe. We did they ADR and VO work in Cologne Germany, which is a sweet Beautiful place. And the icing I got a few days off the Explore Paris which has been a life long dream. I have a Love hate relationship with Paris, mostly love. Paris has it's way with you, you can't control it just like any passionate love affair.

Speaking of....my next full circle, I have been spending lots of time with my ex, it's started before I left for Europe and he was completely up my ass the whole time I was gone with I miss you's and I love you's, everything I always wanted to hear. And I'm sure I have said on more than a few occasions I was done with this situation too. But he is like a new man. Literally. The potential I saw in Him, he is allowing himself to be. And this time around I like my own reflect in him a lot more. Not to say we haven't had little bumps in the road in the past few weeks but it's was mostly past conditions and habits we had resurfacing so we could work through it in a new and healthy way. It's been Nice and I'm trying to keep myself in trust and openness to whatever it is while being true to me. We are both very career passionate and focused people and both get distracted in relationship and other obligations that take us away from our heart jobs. But we both have soooo much talent and expression to share with the world. I think we both need to learn that choosing ours first isn't a bad thing, it's actually necessary to choose EVERYONE ELSE. I can at least speak for myself at this point.

I don't need to act to serve my ego anymore As I am only interested in roles & stories that will move, inspire, and heal. Those are hard to come by. So in the meantime I choose to continue my serve at Cafe Gratitude. A place of Love, Good company, and community support and encouragement. A place your spirit and worth grows! And not too mention the really healthy amazing food. And lastly my folks. This is very personal but if we can't be transparent and truthful how are we ever really connecting....through masks. That no longer interests me.

I cut off my dad after my trip back home working on the Sandler movie, we got into a big fight I was set off to the brick of insanity a place he is mostly and a place I haven't been pushed to in years. I moved across the country to escape it and heal. But it's hard to go back and not divert backwards. He's my biggest teacher in holding a seat in LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. But sometimes there is nothing to be done but let go. So that is what I had to choose, I couldn't listen to more lies, or grandiosity, bitterness, or regret any longer. I was done. Especially with the delusion most of all. I explained it all in a letter. He read it was able to understand some of it but not all. My mother was making strides with herself removing herself form the insanity and chaos as well. She was becoming more positive and self loving. Until around thanksgiving. She picked him up from some other crazy persons house and brought him to an out patient center that specializes in mental/emotional ailments. I have been asking him to get help for years, and this time demanded it if he ever wanted his daughter back. well they finally did it and apparently it saved his life. My dad had a stroke 20 years ago and was put on the wrong medication to balance his brain not to mention the continued prescriptions that I'm sure don't mix well for high blood pressure anxiety pain etc...you name it, they can "medicate it" My mom has fallen victim to her own version of this too. But This was actually making my dad's brain deteriorate his frontal lobe. Which low and behold, affect communication, rationality and personality, and oddly enough an injury another dear friend recently endured and is starting to recover from.

Well my dad no sooner checks out and comes home for Thanksgiving almost a new man and my mom goes in a week later. She tried to quick her meds cold turkey and it sent her into a tailspin. I spoke with her today and she sounds good she's coming home tomorrow. Times like these it's hard to be so far away, and times like these it's probably the best thing for my heart. another irony....the day my mom checked in was the day that a cried my face off at an audition playing a mother just diagnosed with an un-treatable disease. Weird. We are all so closely connected and fuel for each other.

Well That's the swell I have been surfing. I'm finding more loving healthy detachment from it all. As in not falling in the rabbit hole behind. I trust with every obstacle and seemed roadblock hurt and disappointment, we are being giving a chance to clear what no longer serves and come out better. My parents can have a second chance at health if they choose it, I can follow my heart if I choose. We all have a choice to make ourselves happy. Keeping ourselves truthful and healthy, mentally, spiritually, emotional, and physically in a huge part of it.

You can't save the world until you save yourself!
Much Love!
xo-Me