DAY TWO:
So it was a rough start this morning but I decided to go to the workshop after all. Again it was a fever sweats, nose blowing, coughy night, but I'm almost glad it's hitting me so hard so fast cause I know I'm processing stuff quicker. Another thought I had ever since my friend asked me to dance at her show, my awareness of how disconnected with my physical world I have been lately. I'm eating better than ever at my new job, but not dancing or working out regularly and now I'm not even compinsating with sex...which truely makes a big a difference for me to have some physical release!
At any rate, It was mad windy outside this morning which gave me Gate trouble with walking the dogs and getting them settle before leaving, I was "running out of time" quickly. And all these voices were talking to me through this whole getting situated and ready process. You shouldnt go, maybe this is a sign to stay, you already read the book anyway if you leave the dogs inside by themselves your gonna have to clean poop etc. Anything to resist potential transformation or growth!
At this point I'm coming to turns with feeling like shit, and I'm being called to show up even if that means I show up late. I'm practicing my trust in divine timing. I also have the awareness that its the end of the month and a fear that cops are gonna be meeting their quotas so I have to be extra alert on the road especially since I'm borrowing a car. All of this is my mind and emotions before 9am mind you, and this is cliff notes!
I'm not as tuned into the beautiful drive down the coast as I'd like, or the music on the radio. what the hell is wrong with me? Thank god I dont get sick often anymore cause it's like my fairy light is out! Like there's no postive spark right now, and it's not very fun or inspiring.
I had quite a release today in our share not so much what I shared but AI think the awareness around what I shared. Cause I have been pretty open about my past and daddy drama in my upbringing. But the effect that it had on me with the story I created around money and aboundance and actually speaking that out loud in a microphone to mostly strangers and new friends through tears, when I've been playing the role of happy, welcoming, nothing's wrong in my world hostess girl full of love and open arms for hugs! Was this going to distort their image of me, or would it make me more human? Would they pitty me? or would they be glad that I'm not perfect! I've had to put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong since I was 5 years old! That's a role I mastered and probably why I'm such a good actress! "I'm okay with everything and nothing."
At first it was an act. But in recent work on myself I have come to fake it until I made it. I literally have gone from everything to scrapping by to nothing, to just enough, to more than ever but unhappy so spending it as fast as it came in, to scrapping by again, to trusting and manifesting what I needed to turn up, to getting rid of everything on purpose and releasing attachments, to starting over and having days of getting by just enough and having to ask for help or shopping at the dollar store for food to 2 months of being comfortable again, then back and forth and FINALLY I'm not prentending I'm okay anymore!!! It's not comfortable! I'm sick.."sick" of having this block that I can't get past!
Block number one. MY DAD SOLD DRUGS!! This gave me beliefs and views around money that aren't really positive such as you have to hustle to get it, You can have everything and have it ripped away, Money equals drama and violence and hurt and craziness, people are jealous of you when you have it, people use you for it, If I have it I'm spoiled and don't deserve it, if we dont have it there's stress and depression and anger, money took away my dad, money equals happiness temporarily. Which also makes it hard for me to fullfill my creative passions because I didnt get a good example for trusting that. My dad is an amazing singer songwriter, who doesnt trust that gift and made the choices he made, so there's part of me who is afraid to go after the acting 100 % as well.
Casting jobs and other cash jobs were like my drug money. Fast cash in quick spirtz but dont have to be tied down to it! I also have no idea how to put a dollar value on my worth. That seems odd to me cause what I do is show up as me, I'm the gift, the messenger, it's not like here's how much my productions cost and here's my commission, so all I ever do is accept what is offered but ultimately I'm always left feeling like I'm not getting my worth. I put 100 % in whatever I am doing until I start feeling unappreciated, then I either lash out or check out. It happens in work and relationships.
Todays workshop was a great reminder of all these things and helped me be clear about my first 2 days here and my experience. It was amazing to hear everyone shares and just have that realization that we are not alone, that we can all relate to each other on some level. There is for sure I reason I'm sick and therefore more vulnerable now, it's another round of transformation. The last few weeks I have been on top of the world, loving my job and the people I'm surrounded with but also acutely aware of the things that don't feel so hot or the people that arent playing in my sandbox anymore. But what keeps coming up obviously after writing the last blog is I'm still living with a judge in my head! THAT MAKE WRONG NAYSAYER. THE EGO. THE LACK & FEAR MENTALTY. That is what's blocking me. Yes, I am speaking more authentically and truthfully, yes I am facing fears regardless of outcome, yes I work with people who inspire me and acknowledge greatness in me everyday, yes I get to be of service and have my work in alignment witha higher purpose...but there is still clutter the clear and some excess baggage to recycle into something more useful and sustainable and non-toxic. WOAHHH. All those 13's and 23's and 555's and 888's are appearing for a reason.
I knew just hearing Matthew & Terces Take and spin on their own ideas with a community of people to contribute experience would be a powerful gift. Just to simply be reminded on gratitude, is such a great tool to have. I started shifting to the darkside A bit, which manifested from not feeling loved and supported or understood to physical illness and exhaustion. But if I didnt get run down, maybe I wouldnt have seeked some more guidence and had these revelations that I'm hoping I retain after the cold meds wear off!
DAY TWO: Abounding River Tomorrow.
Homework tonight was give some form of supply to a stranger, make a list of all forms of abundance in your life, take on a apology, notice where your making up somethings wrong....which I think I did in my Blogs, pretty exensively! The first two will have to wait until morning. Since I no longer want to create myself as sick!
Another reminder. Ask, believe, recieve - thoughts create things - the power of I AM....
I have been using the term "I'm fighting a cold" the past few days - well then I'm fighting my health right?? How about I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL - I AM (ALSO) LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND I AM LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED.
I am grateful for these opportunities to grow!
xo-me
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Malibu Days 1.5
DAY .5:
So I recently started housesitting in malibu. 4 doggies and 2 birds. And I'm here for almost a month. 27 days actually, well 27.5. And I thought this would be the perfect time to take on a new practice or challenge like I have done in the past. For instance, I could dance every day I'm here since there's a studio downstairs, I could start writing a book idea, I could quit coffee, I could do another round of "A wish can change your life." etc etc. What I was inspired by right away walking into this house again, was the view of nature.
The green hills, the view of the ocean, the trees, birds, dogs, but could I find 27 things, or focus on just one everyday? Would I have "enough" time to dedicate focus on this between work and travel and time to sleep? Which tail spins me into, "Fuck, why do I have to work so much while I'm here this is a perfect opportunity to focus on myself with no distractions but there's not "enough" hostesses to cover my shifts." "I told them if I get sick they're screwed" and "what's gonna happen when I have to shoot my movie in august?" "I say yes too much, and I'm not appreciated, other people are selfish and only think about themselves" How did I get here??? Blame blame worry worry making wrong making wrong! eeeewww. Literally from having a heart expanding moment at the 20 birds that are dancing in the sky passing each other through trees to nest to air, seeming like they are working together for the same goal. My focus goes from that BEAUTY OF NATURE to MAKING WRONG & LACK OF HUMANS.
The evening gets better with holding space and sharing talks, and a reminder of gratitude, then I have a glass of wine and stay up a bit too late but I justify it with my day off upon waking. So I have the whole day, to clear my body and mind like I'm on some zen retreat!
DAY ONE:
So much for sleeping in. Up at the alarm of a small dog's "pay attention to me" bark. But really, he knew something I didnt. I had to wake up to get the maid, and his body was used to the timing, mine wasnt, nor my cell phone alarm. Not 3 minutes later at 7:45am. Giving me roughly 5.5 hours of rest the doorbell rings. Immediately, I remember my pick up the maid duty, feel guilty I slept too late and check my phone for the time and see that's t early. Thankfully she just happened to get a ride today so she was early, and I didnt have to fully admit I set my alarm wrong or forgot, the universe and a little dog were on my side today.
So I stayed up. Wanted to make the most of my day off, I dont have many now working at the cafe. So first task pee, then take dogs out to pee, then coffee then feed everyone and sit in the sun with the journal, find some books to read, dance today, go to the market etc. I did get sun, and I did journal but while I was outside enjoying the ocean and the sun and the birds again, my throat started to itch. And realized I was stuffed up when I woke up. I had been considering a workshop called Abounding River through work, and wasnt sure if I "needed" to do it since already did the workbook on my own and partly with the roomie. I invited her along, but she wasn't interested, which put me in a tailspin of a previous conversation we had where we both admitted to making things up and judging or feeling like we were judged from the other, that I obviously havent completely let go of yet. My story turned into she hates where I work! When it could have been she's tired and just got back from a trip...or anything else for that matter.
But still easily triggered into my "make wrong" place these days, now my nose is runny but that post nasal drip runny so its also making my throat hurt more, and my energy is really low, so now dancing is less appealing and then I get mad at myself cause I have to get my ass moving before my friends show next week where I'll be "moving art" as part of their show, I don't want to be a disappointment or look bad and I have something to prove since my ex will be there cause he works there, but why should I care anyway, which brings up all those residual feelings of hurt and disgust and lack of appreciation, and wanting to be more evolved then still being angry with him! AND GOOD LORD! How did I get here?! Where did the love go?! Love for myself, and all these people attached to my icky stories.
I got to reading, and journaling, and grocery store then decided to knap, maybe I was just a little sleep deprived. Nope FULL ON SICK! FUCK! Fever sweats, cough, stuffy nose, yuckiness SHIIITTTT. Who's gonna cover me, I can't GIVE shifts away as it is. I'm screwed, the cafe is screwed, I'm gonna be miserable at work, I'm gonna be a shitty hostess feeling like this! ahhhhhhh. OKAY. breath, TEXT. 4 text messages go out, zero replies back before I go back to sleep my worst fear realized....and I was "RIGHT"!
I woke up, still no response from anyone...the excuses I had made up for everyone to feed my rightness and ego, and the story I recreate is "I help everyone and no one helps me!" yaddah yaddah. When I pulled into a parking space for work. Oh yeah! THAT'S RIGHT HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GRATITUDE FOR HAVING A CAR TO DRIVE WHILE HOUSESITTING, How about being grateful for my health when I have it, since that is always something I neglect and take for granted.....but back to where I was going with parking, I reach for my phone and see I'm early, so I'm going sit and meditate my sickness and frustration away, think of my affirmations from Louise Hay and my symptoms! But wait I have a Text? From another host? She can cover?~! ahhhh Figures I'm already at work. Why did I just get it? It came through mid night last night. Either it took this long for reception to catch up being closer to hollywood, Or I was literally blinded by what I thought the truth was gonna be according to my presumption and judgements. So who's the asshole?! Yep Me! Take full responsibly. And a valuable lesson.
Let's make a commitment to assuming the best in ourselves and others instead of the worst. Which is all I ever really wanted in my last relationship too but we just couldn't give that to each other cause we still had baggage to unpack. And here it is showing up again so I can clean house Physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Also I worked most of my day. But thankfully my manager let me go early. I also found out I got a dollar raise, a host raise! yehhh! I got home and slept 7 hours, through sweats, coughs, blowing nose etc. Day off tomorrow, workshop or no workshop? That is the question. I contemplated it's worth of my "sick time" in my 2 hour break from slumber, I'll decide in the morning.....
So I recently started housesitting in malibu. 4 doggies and 2 birds. And I'm here for almost a month. 27 days actually, well 27.5. And I thought this would be the perfect time to take on a new practice or challenge like I have done in the past. For instance, I could dance every day I'm here since there's a studio downstairs, I could start writing a book idea, I could quit coffee, I could do another round of "A wish can change your life." etc etc. What I was inspired by right away walking into this house again, was the view of nature.
The green hills, the view of the ocean, the trees, birds, dogs, but could I find 27 things, or focus on just one everyday? Would I have "enough" time to dedicate focus on this between work and travel and time to sleep? Which tail spins me into, "Fuck, why do I have to work so much while I'm here this is a perfect opportunity to focus on myself with no distractions but there's not "enough" hostesses to cover my shifts." "I told them if I get sick they're screwed" and "what's gonna happen when I have to shoot my movie in august?" "I say yes too much, and I'm not appreciated, other people are selfish and only think about themselves" How did I get here??? Blame blame worry worry making wrong making wrong! eeeewww. Literally from having a heart expanding moment at the 20 birds that are dancing in the sky passing each other through trees to nest to air, seeming like they are working together for the same goal. My focus goes from that BEAUTY OF NATURE to MAKING WRONG & LACK OF HUMANS.
The evening gets better with holding space and sharing talks, and a reminder of gratitude, then I have a glass of wine and stay up a bit too late but I justify it with my day off upon waking. So I have the whole day, to clear my body and mind like I'm on some zen retreat!
DAY ONE:
So much for sleeping in. Up at the alarm of a small dog's "pay attention to me" bark. But really, he knew something I didnt. I had to wake up to get the maid, and his body was used to the timing, mine wasnt, nor my cell phone alarm. Not 3 minutes later at 7:45am. Giving me roughly 5.5 hours of rest the doorbell rings. Immediately, I remember my pick up the maid duty, feel guilty I slept too late and check my phone for the time and see that's t early. Thankfully she just happened to get a ride today so she was early, and I didnt have to fully admit I set my alarm wrong or forgot, the universe and a little dog were on my side today.
So I stayed up. Wanted to make the most of my day off, I dont have many now working at the cafe. So first task pee, then take dogs out to pee, then coffee then feed everyone and sit in the sun with the journal, find some books to read, dance today, go to the market etc. I did get sun, and I did journal but while I was outside enjoying the ocean and the sun and the birds again, my throat started to itch. And realized I was stuffed up when I woke up. I had been considering a workshop called Abounding River through work, and wasnt sure if I "needed" to do it since already did the workbook on my own and partly with the roomie. I invited her along, but she wasn't interested, which put me in a tailspin of a previous conversation we had where we both admitted to making things up and judging or feeling like we were judged from the other, that I obviously havent completely let go of yet. My story turned into she hates where I work! When it could have been she's tired and just got back from a trip...or anything else for that matter.
But still easily triggered into my "make wrong" place these days, now my nose is runny but that post nasal drip runny so its also making my throat hurt more, and my energy is really low, so now dancing is less appealing and then I get mad at myself cause I have to get my ass moving before my friends show next week where I'll be "moving art" as part of their show, I don't want to be a disappointment or look bad and I have something to prove since my ex will be there cause he works there, but why should I care anyway, which brings up all those residual feelings of hurt and disgust and lack of appreciation, and wanting to be more evolved then still being angry with him! AND GOOD LORD! How did I get here?! Where did the love go?! Love for myself, and all these people attached to my icky stories.
I got to reading, and journaling, and grocery store then decided to knap, maybe I was just a little sleep deprived. Nope FULL ON SICK! FUCK! Fever sweats, cough, stuffy nose, yuckiness SHIIITTTT. Who's gonna cover me, I can't GIVE shifts away as it is. I'm screwed, the cafe is screwed, I'm gonna be miserable at work, I'm gonna be a shitty hostess feeling like this! ahhhhhhh. OKAY. breath, TEXT. 4 text messages go out, zero replies back before I go back to sleep my worst fear realized....and I was "RIGHT"!
I woke up, still no response from anyone...the excuses I had made up for everyone to feed my rightness and ego, and the story I recreate is "I help everyone and no one helps me!" yaddah yaddah. When I pulled into a parking space for work. Oh yeah! THAT'S RIGHT HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GRATITUDE FOR HAVING A CAR TO DRIVE WHILE HOUSESITTING, How about being grateful for my health when I have it, since that is always something I neglect and take for granted.....but back to where I was going with parking, I reach for my phone and see I'm early, so I'm going sit and meditate my sickness and frustration away, think of my affirmations from Louise Hay and my symptoms! But wait I have a Text? From another host? She can cover?~! ahhhh Figures I'm already at work. Why did I just get it? It came through mid night last night. Either it took this long for reception to catch up being closer to hollywood, Or I was literally blinded by what I thought the truth was gonna be according to my presumption and judgements. So who's the asshole?! Yep Me! Take full responsibly. And a valuable lesson.
Let's make a commitment to assuming the best in ourselves and others instead of the worst. Which is all I ever really wanted in my last relationship too but we just couldn't give that to each other cause we still had baggage to unpack. And here it is showing up again so I can clean house Physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Also I worked most of my day. But thankfully my manager let me go early. I also found out I got a dollar raise, a host raise! yehhh! I got home and slept 7 hours, through sweats, coughs, blowing nose etc. Day off tomorrow, workshop or no workshop? That is the question. I contemplated it's worth of my "sick time" in my 2 hour break from slumber, I'll decide in the morning.....
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Crushes are fun but how long does the fun last?
There are so many different reasons we can develop a crush. Sometimes its the start of a long standing relationship, other times an unexplainable connection, the muse to your next song, or it could even be just out of plain old boredom.
I myself have fallen down this road for all these reasons and have seen other women do the same. Currently, I have a school girl crush, a baby making crush, a slight fix it crush, and finally the unattainable crush. Oh the fix I'm in. Now, I could look at that and say "damn I'm fickle", or I could look at that and say "Wow, I'm totally in the moment and open to lots of possibility", or I could dig a little deeper and say "well this serves as a great distraction from the one I'm trying to forget". Truth is, its all of it and more. But on a brand new level what I'm most proud of myself to discover is my awareness of the behavior and what each one of these men represent for me, now.
The School Girl Crush - is so innocent, and I don't really imagine it going anywhere, but I have such a Love and respect for this person. I'm entertained at times when we get to play in the same sand box and annoyed when he tries to take my toy away without asking, or decides next recess he's gonna go play with a different girl instead and not even look at me. And I'd rather chasing him around and throw a dodge ball at his head then make-out with him. In fact it would probably be comical if we tried. My inner child, teenager and adult is being stretched. My ego is being put in check. And there is always a change in mood with every breeze so no bad feelings linger. It's sweet. Because it starts with just innocent love. But sometimes he still makes me pout! Like Peter and Tinkerbell - only this Peter is starting to grow up sadly.
The Baby Making Crush - being in your 30's the clock is ticking whether you hear it or not. And this man is just so Divinely Beautiful and has such a graceful energy that anytime he comes into my work all the girls swoon a little bit. He's has the gentleness you'd want in your baby's daddy to hold your child, but also pretty features to ensure good genes, and hot arms you wouldn't mind wrapping around you. This is a yummy man. And as soon as he walks into your world your hormones go into overdrive! All of a sudden all the females start going into ALFA mode to get his attention. He's serves a primal purpose and instinct. It's a powerful seed he carries after all. But then his almost too perfect that we question if he might not be gay....but who cares he'd still make a beautiful baby, and even gay men need eggs!!!
The Slight Fix it Crush - Who says reverse psychology doesn't work!? It's a human condition to always want what we know isn't good for us! It's starts as curiosity at times, like putting your hand on a hot stove top just to get burned but you'll probably do it again just to make sure it still hurts. Why are we such gluttons some times? Like eating so much we have to unbutton our pants or Staying up too late when we know we have to wake up early? Weird right? So why do woman have this fascination with taking in strays, or helping the wounded bird, or restoring a heart back to health? Cause we can! It's a beautiful gift of nurturing that we are granted with by nature. We heal and we love to heal, we give live- that's one of our basic functions and urges however that LIFE might manifests - whether stray dog, having a baby, inspiring the artist with our naked body or teaching a man how to love - it's all giving life. So the fix it guy can be so attractive the more unattractive he is on paper. What a great project to create something out of nothing, or tidy up a big mess! The mess i came across recently besides all my ex boyfriends happened to tell me he knows nothing about sex, doesn't have a lot of money, has never loved a good girl and I probably would like him anywway....wow what a sell huh? well then why did a perk up a little when I saw him today? Cause of the little glutton in me....who I would think by now has learned her lesson!
And finally my favorite the Unattainable Crush! Another human condition...wanting what we can't have, the forbidden fruit. I took a bite of the apple and it keeps leading me back to the same damn tree even when I choose to take a new path. This one isn't only unattainable it's also an unexplainable connection which makes the whole thing a lot more confusing, and therefore a lot more appealing....of course. So basically I'M FUCKED. It engages my mind, when I get to analyze every "sign", "look", "coincidence", "gesture", and "word", it engages my body because all the build up of thoughts gives me heat flashes and nerves and sweaty palms and excess energy that is bottled up in a body repressing Words that "shouldn't be said" and actions that "should be takin" and Spirit because there is the belief of "synchronicity", leading me to him. Like he was a master magician who put a spell into the cosmos and I let love lead me to him. So here we are. Two spirits listening to intuition. And now what?! NOTHING?! All, that build up for nothing?! I can't even rip his clothes off when he gives me a cute mischievous grin? NO FAIR!!! I can't play out the dreams I have had of him outside of my head even when the bread crumbs actually lead him to me, and he noticed me first, and our eyes linger a little too long with no words whenever we are in the same room, and our bodies are draw to each other like magnets but are forced to repel in opposite directions- like we are in oncoming traffic trying to avoid a head on collision, when our communication is more primal and animalistic with more physical and energetic speaking . Words literally turn into sounds and vibrations more so than actual sentences. But really....This is all my creation and in truth I really have no idea what his creation is. I could be just some random chick he bumps into sometimes. But it sure feels and sounds entertaining doesn't it? It gets the adrenaline pumping, it gets the visioning flowing, it helps me to see the magic of the universe and proof our thoughts actually do create things. And it gives me this big old intriging story to tell myself without any actual responsibility, or commitment to its outcome or resolution. Even though there is that part of me that hates cliffhanger movies, and wants an ending, preferrably and happy ending. But at any rate, its like free rollercoaster ride! Only if you go on it too many times you'll get sick. (mostly manifested emotionally and mentally) And with unattainable (ie, significant other or doesn't "crush" you back), if you attach yourself to any outcome or even take the ride to crazytown (coined phrase from my roomie) more than you should, it's asking for hurt and sickness isn't it?
The biggest lesson from all of these little crushes along the way are never having expectations otherwise you are sure to be disappointed and it's better to allow for pleasant surprises, i think. I'm mean CRUSH....got it's name CRUSH from somewhere. One person usually ends up CRUSHED in the end. We can't control how other people receive us. But we can control how we receive them and react to there actions and inactions. I can choose to be hurt, take things personal, be disappointed, have highs and lows from expectations, or I can choose to let these amazing men SHINE for me to see the beauty of it all and guide me to all the qualities I want and can cherish in my soulmate. To enjoy all these little moments as moments with no attachment and see my freedom from them as my gift to play and create right now. Then I elevate from "crush" to LOVE. Yes, that can be a big scary word. But there's no scary second meaning to love but more love. What we attach to it becomes scary. In non-attachment & pure love, I can connect and vision and appreciate and acknowledge and learn more from them about my own psyche and levels of spirit and physical body. It's like I get to experience them as different color paint puddles. And I have this blank canvas right now to surrender to, and jut allow the inspiration of each of these colors to help me create and manifest the most amazing piece of art I can express through my heart brush! I can love them and appreciate them, and learn from them just by them simply showing up as blue, red, yellow, and green - throw in some God/Goddess White and viola - I AM MY OWN TRUE LOVE AND MASTERPIECE!
(although some good sex along he way would be nice too! hehe)
BEING LOVE
xo - me
I myself have fallen down this road for all these reasons and have seen other women do the same. Currently, I have a school girl crush, a baby making crush, a slight fix it crush, and finally the unattainable crush. Oh the fix I'm in. Now, I could look at that and say "damn I'm fickle", or I could look at that and say "Wow, I'm totally in the moment and open to lots of possibility", or I could dig a little deeper and say "well this serves as a great distraction from the one I'm trying to forget". Truth is, its all of it and more. But on a brand new level what I'm most proud of myself to discover is my awareness of the behavior and what each one of these men represent for me, now.
The School Girl Crush - is so innocent, and I don't really imagine it going anywhere, but I have such a Love and respect for this person. I'm entertained at times when we get to play in the same sand box and annoyed when he tries to take my toy away without asking, or decides next recess he's gonna go play with a different girl instead and not even look at me. And I'd rather chasing him around and throw a dodge ball at his head then make-out with him. In fact it would probably be comical if we tried. My inner child, teenager and adult is being stretched. My ego is being put in check. And there is always a change in mood with every breeze so no bad feelings linger. It's sweet. Because it starts with just innocent love. But sometimes he still makes me pout! Like Peter and Tinkerbell - only this Peter is starting to grow up sadly.
The Baby Making Crush - being in your 30's the clock is ticking whether you hear it or not. And this man is just so Divinely Beautiful and has such a graceful energy that anytime he comes into my work all the girls swoon a little bit. He's has the gentleness you'd want in your baby's daddy to hold your child, but also pretty features to ensure good genes, and hot arms you wouldn't mind wrapping around you. This is a yummy man. And as soon as he walks into your world your hormones go into overdrive! All of a sudden all the females start going into ALFA mode to get his attention. He's serves a primal purpose and instinct. It's a powerful seed he carries after all. But then his almost too perfect that we question if he might not be gay....but who cares he'd still make a beautiful baby, and even gay men need eggs!!!
The Slight Fix it Crush - Who says reverse psychology doesn't work!? It's a human condition to always want what we know isn't good for us! It's starts as curiosity at times, like putting your hand on a hot stove top just to get burned but you'll probably do it again just to make sure it still hurts. Why are we such gluttons some times? Like eating so much we have to unbutton our pants or Staying up too late when we know we have to wake up early? Weird right? So why do woman have this fascination with taking in strays, or helping the wounded bird, or restoring a heart back to health? Cause we can! It's a beautiful gift of nurturing that we are granted with by nature. We heal and we love to heal, we give live- that's one of our basic functions and urges however that LIFE might manifests - whether stray dog, having a baby, inspiring the artist with our naked body or teaching a man how to love - it's all giving life. So the fix it guy can be so attractive the more unattractive he is on paper. What a great project to create something out of nothing, or tidy up a big mess! The mess i came across recently besides all my ex boyfriends happened to tell me he knows nothing about sex, doesn't have a lot of money, has never loved a good girl and I probably would like him anywway....wow what a sell huh? well then why did a perk up a little when I saw him today? Cause of the little glutton in me....who I would think by now has learned her lesson!
And finally my favorite the Unattainable Crush! Another human condition...wanting what we can't have, the forbidden fruit. I took a bite of the apple and it keeps leading me back to the same damn tree even when I choose to take a new path. This one isn't only unattainable it's also an unexplainable connection which makes the whole thing a lot more confusing, and therefore a lot more appealing....of course. So basically I'M FUCKED. It engages my mind, when I get to analyze every "sign", "look", "coincidence", "gesture", and "word", it engages my body because all the build up of thoughts gives me heat flashes and nerves and sweaty palms and excess energy that is bottled up in a body repressing Words that "shouldn't be said" and actions that "should be takin" and Spirit because there is the belief of "synchronicity", leading me to him. Like he was a master magician who put a spell into the cosmos and I let love lead me to him. So here we are. Two spirits listening to intuition. And now what?! NOTHING?! All, that build up for nothing?! I can't even rip his clothes off when he gives me a cute mischievous grin? NO FAIR!!! I can't play out the dreams I have had of him outside of my head even when the bread crumbs actually lead him to me, and he noticed me first, and our eyes linger a little too long with no words whenever we are in the same room, and our bodies are draw to each other like magnets but are forced to repel in opposite directions- like we are in oncoming traffic trying to avoid a head on collision, when our communication is more primal and animalistic with more physical and energetic speaking . Words literally turn into sounds and vibrations more so than actual sentences. But really....This is all my creation and in truth I really have no idea what his creation is. I could be just some random chick he bumps into sometimes. But it sure feels and sounds entertaining doesn't it? It gets the adrenaline pumping, it gets the visioning flowing, it helps me to see the magic of the universe and proof our thoughts actually do create things. And it gives me this big old intriging story to tell myself without any actual responsibility, or commitment to its outcome or resolution. Even though there is that part of me that hates cliffhanger movies, and wants an ending, preferrably and happy ending. But at any rate, its like free rollercoaster ride! Only if you go on it too many times you'll get sick. (mostly manifested emotionally and mentally) And with unattainable (ie, significant other or doesn't "crush" you back), if you attach yourself to any outcome or even take the ride to crazytown (coined phrase from my roomie) more than you should, it's asking for hurt and sickness isn't it?
The biggest lesson from all of these little crushes along the way are never having expectations otherwise you are sure to be disappointed and it's better to allow for pleasant surprises, i think. I'm mean CRUSH....got it's name CRUSH from somewhere. One person usually ends up CRUSHED in the end. We can't control how other people receive us. But we can control how we receive them and react to there actions and inactions. I can choose to be hurt, take things personal, be disappointed, have highs and lows from expectations, or I can choose to let these amazing men SHINE for me to see the beauty of it all and guide me to all the qualities I want and can cherish in my soulmate. To enjoy all these little moments as moments with no attachment and see my freedom from them as my gift to play and create right now. Then I elevate from "crush" to LOVE. Yes, that can be a big scary word. But there's no scary second meaning to love but more love. What we attach to it becomes scary. In non-attachment & pure love, I can connect and vision and appreciate and acknowledge and learn more from them about my own psyche and levels of spirit and physical body. It's like I get to experience them as different color paint puddles. And I have this blank canvas right now to surrender to, and jut allow the inspiration of each of these colors to help me create and manifest the most amazing piece of art I can express through my heart brush! I can love them and appreciate them, and learn from them just by them simply showing up as blue, red, yellow, and green - throw in some God/Goddess White and viola - I AM MY OWN TRUE LOVE AND MASTERPIECE!
(although some good sex along he way would be nice too! hehe)
BEING LOVE
xo - me
Sunday, April 10, 2011
new dance and dance partner
Oh, breaking up is hard to do. Mostly because I think we fear the unknown, or are afraid to grow beyond what this relationship has taught us to this point or we just like feeling stuck and having something to bitch about. There's so many reasons ranging from guilt to lust to co-dependent but when the jig is up, it's up. The grim reaper to cupids arrow is bound to stop by if both parties are not 100%, for themselves and eachother! Because let's face it, a healthy relationship isnt possible with both those things NOT in alignment. One person always ends up resistant or loving more than the other.
Guess who I am normally? The first week was a doozy the reminders everywhere, look-alike cars, mutual friends, songs, numbers, you name it it shows up and tests your emotions. But I would like to offer a little gift I discovered, if you happen to be going through a breakup, breakdown, loss or random sadness take a trip to my job....cafe gratitude. This has been amazing alchemy for me. Everyday I get to "Clear" bring up my shadow and emotions and release it, and get my consciousness shifted to a higher brighter level and be acknowledged. This was the first time in a breakup that I have ever been around so many people that tell me how much they appreciate me, and how radd I am, how great I look and reminded what amazing men are out there to be discovered. Or women if you roll that way. I have the pleasure of being surrounded by magical, conscious, healing, lightworker beings that happen to also be beautiful. What a gift. The best mirror I could ask for.
Yes, I have had my little emotional upheavals of sadness and anger in the letting go process and that's all that it is, a process. One more transformation of life. One more place I can learn, one more place I can take my love to new level. I need to be angry for a little bit longer, maybe, butit's all good cause I know I deserve 100%. I have been getting a reflection of what I really want, almost daily! I'm worth it! I'm worth the wait!!! And I'm grateful for being here. So, Here we are! Standing at the cliff of transformation. Now what are we going to do with this new experience? LEAP into the unknown and FLY!
Love
me xo
Guess who I am normally? The first week was a doozy the reminders everywhere, look-alike cars, mutual friends, songs, numbers, you name it it shows up and tests your emotions. But I would like to offer a little gift I discovered, if you happen to be going through a breakup, breakdown, loss or random sadness take a trip to my job....cafe gratitude. This has been amazing alchemy for me. Everyday I get to "Clear" bring up my shadow and emotions and release it, and get my consciousness shifted to a higher brighter level and be acknowledged. This was the first time in a breakup that I have ever been around so many people that tell me how much they appreciate me, and how radd I am, how great I look and reminded what amazing men are out there to be discovered. Or women if you roll that way. I have the pleasure of being surrounded by magical, conscious, healing, lightworker beings that happen to also be beautiful. What a gift. The best mirror I could ask for.
Yes, I have had my little emotional upheavals of sadness and anger in the letting go process and that's all that it is, a process. One more transformation of life. One more place I can learn, one more place I can take my love to new level. I need to be angry for a little bit longer, maybe, butit's all good cause I know I deserve 100%. I have been getting a reflection of what I really want, almost daily! I'm worth it! I'm worth the wait!!! And I'm grateful for being here. So, Here we are! Standing at the cliff of transformation. Now what are we going to do with this new experience? LEAP into the unknown and FLY!
Love
me xo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)