Malibu Days 1.5

DAY .5:
So I recently started housesitting in malibu. 4 doggies and 2 birds. And I'm here for almost a month. 27 days actually, well 27.5. And I thought this would be the perfect time to take on a new practice or challenge like I have done in the past. For instance, I could dance every day I'm here since there's a studio downstairs, I could start writing a book idea, I could quit coffee, I could do another round of "A wish can change your life." etc etc. What I was inspired by right away walking into this house again, was the view of nature.

The green hills, the view of the ocean, the trees, birds, dogs, but could I find 27 things, or focus on just one everyday? Would I have "enough" time to dedicate focus on this between work and travel and time to sleep? Which tail spins me into, "Fuck, why do I have to work so much while I'm here this is a perfect opportunity to focus on myself with no distractions but there's not "enough" hostesses to cover my shifts." "I told them if I get sick they're screwed" and "what's gonna happen when I have to shoot my movie in august?" "I say yes too much, and I'm not appreciated, other people are selfish and only think about themselves" How did I get here??? Blame blame worry worry making wrong making wrong! eeeewww. Literally from having a heart expanding moment at the 20 birds that are dancing in the sky passing each other through trees to nest to air, seeming like they are working together for the same goal. My focus goes from that BEAUTY OF NATURE to MAKING WRONG & LACK OF HUMANS.

The evening gets better with holding space and sharing talks, and a reminder of gratitude, then I have a glass of wine and stay up a bit too late but I justify it with my day off upon waking. So I have the whole day, to clear my body and mind like I'm on some zen retreat!

DAY ONE:
So much for sleeping in. Up at the alarm of a small dog's "pay attention to me" bark. But really, he knew something I didnt. I had to wake up to get the maid, and his body was used to the timing, mine wasnt, nor my cell phone alarm. Not 3 minutes later at 7:45am. Giving me roughly 5.5 hours of rest the doorbell rings. Immediately, I remember my pick up the maid duty, feel guilty I slept too late and check my phone for the time and see that's t early. Thankfully she just happened to get a ride today so she was early, and I didnt have to fully admit I set my alarm wrong or forgot, the universe and a little dog were on my side today.

So I stayed up. Wanted to make the most of my day off, I dont have many now working at the cafe. So first task pee, then take dogs out to pee, then coffee then feed everyone and sit in the sun with the journal, find some books to read, dance today, go to the market etc. I did get sun, and I did journal but while I was outside enjoying the ocean and the sun and the birds again, my throat started to itch. And realized I was stuffed up when I woke up. I had been considering a workshop called Abounding River through work, and wasnt sure if I "needed" to do it since already did the workbook on my own and partly with the roomie. I invited her along, but she wasn't interested, which put me in a tailspin of a previous conversation we had where we both admitted to making things up and judging or feeling like we were judged from the other, that I obviously havent completely let go of yet. My story turned into she hates where I work! When it could have been she's tired and just got back from a trip...or anything else for that matter.

But still easily triggered into my "make wrong" place these days, now my nose is runny but that post nasal drip runny so its also making my throat hurt more, and my energy is really low, so now dancing is less appealing and then I get mad at myself cause I have to get my ass moving before my friends show next week where I'll be "moving art" as part of their show, I don't want to be a disappointment or look bad and I have something to prove since my ex will be there cause he works there, but why should I care anyway, which brings up all those residual feelings of hurt and disgust and lack of appreciation, and wanting to be more evolved then still being angry with him! AND GOOD LORD! How did I get here?! Where did the love go?! Love for myself, and all these people attached to my icky stories.

I got to reading, and journaling, and grocery store then decided to knap, maybe I was just a little sleep deprived. Nope FULL ON SICK! FUCK! Fever sweats, cough, stuffy nose, yuckiness SHIIITTTT. Who's gonna cover me, I can't GIVE shifts away as it is. I'm screwed, the cafe is screwed, I'm gonna be miserable at work, I'm gonna be a shitty hostess feeling like this! ahhhhhhh. OKAY. breath, TEXT. 4 text messages go out, zero replies back before I go back to sleep my worst fear realized....and I was "RIGHT"!

I woke up, still no response from anyone...the excuses I had made up for everyone to feed my rightness and ego, and the story I recreate is "I help everyone and no one helps me!" yaddah yaddah. When I pulled into a parking space for work. Oh yeah! THAT'S RIGHT HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GRATITUDE FOR HAVING A CAR TO DRIVE WHILE HOUSESITTING, How about being grateful for my health when I have it, since that is always something I neglect and take for granted.....but back to where I was going with parking, I reach for my phone and see I'm early, so I'm going sit and meditate my sickness and frustration away, think of my affirmations from Louise Hay and my symptoms! But wait I have a Text? From another host? She can cover?~! ahhhh Figures I'm already at work. Why did I just get it? It came through mid night last night. Either it took this long for reception to catch up being closer to hollywood, Or I was literally blinded by what I thought the truth was gonna be according to my presumption and judgements. So who's the asshole?! Yep Me! Take full responsibly. And a valuable lesson.

Let's make a commitment to assuming the best in ourselves and others instead of the worst. Which is all I ever really wanted in my last relationship too but we just couldn't give that to each other cause we still had baggage to unpack. And here it is showing up again so I can clean house Physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Also I worked most of my day. But thankfully my manager let me go early. I also found out I got a dollar raise, a host raise! yehhh! I got home and slept 7 hours, through sweats, coughs, blowing nose etc. Day off tomorrow, workshop or no workshop? That is the question. I contemplated it's worth of my "sick time" in my 2 hour break from slumber, I'll decide in the morning.....