There are so many different reasons we can develop a crush. Sometimes its the start of a long standing relationship, other times an unexplainable connection, the muse to your next song, or it could even be just out of plain old boredom.
I myself have fallen down this road for all these reasons and have seen other women do the same. Currently, I have a school girl crush, a baby making crush, a slight fix it crush, and finally the unattainable crush. Oh the fix I'm in. Now, I could look at that and say "damn I'm fickle", or I could look at that and say "Wow, I'm totally in the moment and open to lots of possibility", or I could dig a little deeper and say "well this serves as a great distraction from the one I'm trying to forget". Truth is, its all of it and more. But on a brand new level what I'm most proud of myself to discover is my awareness of the behavior and what each one of these men represent for me, now.
The School Girl Crush - is so innocent, and I don't really imagine it going anywhere, but I have such a Love and respect for this person. I'm entertained at times when we get to play in the same sand box and annoyed when he tries to take my toy away without asking, or decides next recess he's gonna go play with a different girl instead and not even look at me. And I'd rather chasing him around and throw a dodge ball at his head then make-out with him. In fact it would probably be comical if we tried. My inner child, teenager and adult is being stretched. My ego is being put in check. And there is always a change in mood with every breeze so no bad feelings linger. It's sweet. Because it starts with just innocent love. But sometimes he still makes me pout! Like Peter and Tinkerbell - only this Peter is starting to grow up sadly.
The Baby Making Crush - being in your 30's the clock is ticking whether you hear it or not. And this man is just so Divinely Beautiful and has such a graceful energy that anytime he comes into my work all the girls swoon a little bit. He's has the gentleness you'd want in your baby's daddy to hold your child, but also pretty features to ensure good genes, and hot arms you wouldn't mind wrapping around you. This is a yummy man. And as soon as he walks into your world your hormones go into overdrive! All of a sudden all the females start going into ALFA mode to get his attention. He's serves a primal purpose and instinct. It's a powerful seed he carries after all. But then his almost too perfect that we question if he might not be gay....but who cares he'd still make a beautiful baby, and even gay men need eggs!!!
The Slight Fix it Crush - Who says reverse psychology doesn't work!? It's a human condition to always want what we know isn't good for us! It's starts as curiosity at times, like putting your hand on a hot stove top just to get burned but you'll probably do it again just to make sure it still hurts. Why are we such gluttons some times? Like eating so much we have to unbutton our pants or Staying up too late when we know we have to wake up early? Weird right? So why do woman have this fascination with taking in strays, or helping the wounded bird, or restoring a heart back to health? Cause we can! It's a beautiful gift of nurturing that we are granted with by nature. We heal and we love to heal, we give live- that's one of our basic functions and urges however that LIFE might manifests - whether stray dog, having a baby, inspiring the artist with our naked body or teaching a man how to love - it's all giving life. So the fix it guy can be so attractive the more unattractive he is on paper. What a great project to create something out of nothing, or tidy up a big mess! The mess i came across recently besides all my ex boyfriends happened to tell me he knows nothing about sex, doesn't have a lot of money, has never loved a good girl and I probably would like him anywway....wow what a sell huh? well then why did a perk up a little when I saw him today? Cause of the little glutton in me....who I would think by now has learned her lesson!
And finally my favorite the Unattainable Crush! Another human condition...wanting what we can't have, the forbidden fruit. I took a bite of the apple and it keeps leading me back to the same damn tree even when I choose to take a new path. This one isn't only unattainable it's also an unexplainable connection which makes the whole thing a lot more confusing, and therefore a lot more appealing....of course. So basically I'M FUCKED. It engages my mind, when I get to analyze every "sign", "look", "coincidence", "gesture", and "word", it engages my body because all the build up of thoughts gives me heat flashes and nerves and sweaty palms and excess energy that is bottled up in a body repressing Words that "shouldn't be said" and actions that "should be takin" and Spirit because there is the belief of "synchronicity", leading me to him. Like he was a master magician who put a spell into the cosmos and I let love lead me to him. So here we are. Two spirits listening to intuition. And now what?! NOTHING?! All, that build up for nothing?! I can't even rip his clothes off when he gives me a cute mischievous grin? NO FAIR!!! I can't play out the dreams I have had of him outside of my head even when the bread crumbs actually lead him to me, and he noticed me first, and our eyes linger a little too long with no words whenever we are in the same room, and our bodies are draw to each other like magnets but are forced to repel in opposite directions- like we are in oncoming traffic trying to avoid a head on collision, when our communication is more primal and animalistic with more physical and energetic speaking . Words literally turn into sounds and vibrations more so than actual sentences. But really....This is all my creation and in truth I really have no idea what his creation is. I could be just some random chick he bumps into sometimes. But it sure feels and sounds entertaining doesn't it? It gets the adrenaline pumping, it gets the visioning flowing, it helps me to see the magic of the universe and proof our thoughts actually do create things. And it gives me this big old intriging story to tell myself without any actual responsibility, or commitment to its outcome or resolution. Even though there is that part of me that hates cliffhanger movies, and wants an ending, preferrably and happy ending. But at any rate, its like free rollercoaster ride! Only if you go on it too many times you'll get sick. (mostly manifested emotionally and mentally) And with unattainable (ie, significant other or doesn't "crush" you back), if you attach yourself to any outcome or even take the ride to crazytown (coined phrase from my roomie) more than you should, it's asking for hurt and sickness isn't it?
The biggest lesson from all of these little crushes along the way are never having expectations otherwise you are sure to be disappointed and it's better to allow for pleasant surprises, i think. I'm mean CRUSH....got it's name CRUSH from somewhere. One person usually ends up CRUSHED in the end. We can't control how other people receive us. But we can control how we receive them and react to there actions and inactions. I can choose to be hurt, take things personal, be disappointed, have highs and lows from expectations, or I can choose to let these amazing men SHINE for me to see the beauty of it all and guide me to all the qualities I want and can cherish in my soulmate. To enjoy all these little moments as moments with no attachment and see my freedom from them as my gift to play and create right now. Then I elevate from "crush" to LOVE. Yes, that can be a big scary word. But there's no scary second meaning to love but more love. What we attach to it becomes scary. In non-attachment & pure love, I can connect and vision and appreciate and acknowledge and learn more from them about my own psyche and levels of spirit and physical body. It's like I get to experience them as different color paint puddles. And I have this blank canvas right now to surrender to, and jut allow the inspiration of each of these colors to help me create and manifest the most amazing piece of art I can express through my heart brush! I can love them and appreciate them, and learn from them just by them simply showing up as blue, red, yellow, and green - throw in some God/Goddess White and viola - I AM MY OWN TRUE LOVE AND MASTERPIECE!
(although some good sex along he way would be nice too! hehe)
BEING LOVE
xo - me
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