Malibu Days 2

DAY TWO:
So it was a rough start this morning but I decided to go to the workshop after all. Again it was a fever sweats, nose blowing, coughy night, but I'm almost glad it's hitting me so hard so fast cause I know I'm processing stuff quicker. Another thought I had ever since my friend asked me to dance at her show, my awareness of how disconnected with my physical world I have been lately. I'm eating better than ever at my new job, but not dancing or working out regularly and now I'm not even compinsating with sex...which truely makes a big a difference for me to have some physical release!

At any rate, It was mad windy outside this morning which gave me Gate trouble with walking the dogs and getting them settle before leaving, I was "running out of time" quickly. And all these voices were talking to me through this whole getting situated and ready process. You shouldnt go, maybe this is a sign to stay, you already read the book anyway if you leave the dogs inside by themselves your gonna have to clean poop etc. Anything to resist potential transformation or growth!

At this point I'm coming to turns with feeling like shit, and I'm being called to show up even if that means I show up late. I'm practicing my trust in divine timing. I also have the awareness that its the end of the month and a fear that cops are gonna be meeting their quotas so I have to be extra alert on the road especially since I'm borrowing a car. All of this is my mind and emotions before 9am mind you, and this is cliff notes!

I'm not as tuned into the beautiful drive down the coast as I'd like, or the music on the radio. what the hell is wrong with me? Thank god I dont get sick often anymore cause it's like my fairy light is out! Like there's no postive spark right now, and it's not very fun or inspiring.

I had quite a release today in our share not so much what I shared but AI think the awareness around what I shared. Cause I have been pretty open about my past and daddy drama in my upbringing. But the effect that it had on me with the story I created around money and aboundance and actually speaking that out loud in a microphone to mostly strangers and new friends through tears, when I've been playing the role of happy, welcoming, nothing's wrong in my world hostess girl full of love and open arms for hugs! Was this going to distort their image of me, or would it make me more human? Would they pitty me? or would they be glad that I'm not perfect! I've had to put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong since I was 5 years old! That's a role I mastered and probably why I'm such a good actress! "I'm okay with everything and nothing."

At first it was an act. But in recent work on myself I have come to fake it until I made it. I literally have gone from everything to scrapping by to nothing, to just enough, to more than ever but unhappy so spending it as fast as it came in, to scrapping by again, to trusting and manifesting what I needed to turn up, to getting rid of everything on purpose and releasing attachments, to starting over and having days of getting by just enough and having to ask for help or shopping at the dollar store for food to 2 months of being comfortable again, then back and forth and FINALLY I'm not prentending I'm okay anymore!!! It's not comfortable! I'm sick.."sick" of having this block that I can't get past!

Block number one. MY DAD SOLD DRUGS!! This gave me beliefs and views around money that aren't really positive such as you have to hustle to get it, You can have everything and have it ripped away, Money equals drama and violence and hurt and craziness, people are jealous of you when you have it, people use you for it, If I have it I'm spoiled and don't deserve it, if we dont have it there's stress and depression and anger, money took away my dad, money equals happiness temporarily. Which also makes it hard for me to fullfill my creative passions because I didnt get a good example for trusting that. My dad is an amazing singer songwriter, who doesnt trust that gift and made the choices he made, so there's part of me who is afraid to go after the acting 100 % as well.

Casting jobs and other cash jobs were like my drug money. Fast cash in quick spirtz but dont have to be tied down to it! I also have no idea how to put a dollar value on my worth. That seems odd to me cause what I do is show up as me, I'm the gift, the messenger, it's not like here's how much my productions cost and here's my commission, so all I ever do is accept what is offered but ultimately I'm always left feeling like I'm not getting my worth. I put 100 % in whatever I am doing until I start feeling unappreciated, then I either lash out or check out. It happens in work and relationships.

Todays workshop was a great reminder of all these things and helped me be clear about my first 2 days here and my experience. It was amazing to hear everyone shares and just have that realization that we are not alone, that we can all relate to each other on some level. There is for sure I reason I'm sick and therefore more vulnerable now, it's another round of transformation. The last few weeks I have been on top of the world, loving my job and the people I'm surrounded with but also acutely aware of the things that don't feel so hot or the people that arent playing in my sandbox anymore. But what keeps coming up obviously after writing the last blog is I'm still living with a judge in my head! THAT MAKE WRONG NAYSAYER. THE EGO. THE LACK & FEAR MENTALTY. That is what's blocking me. Yes, I am speaking more authentically and truthfully, yes I am facing fears regardless of outcome, yes I work with people who inspire me and acknowledge greatness in me everyday, yes I get to be of service and have my work in alignment witha higher purpose...but there is still clutter the clear and some excess baggage to recycle into something more useful and sustainable and non-toxic. WOAHHH. All those 13's and 23's and 555's and 888's are appearing for a reason.

I knew just hearing Matthew & Terces Take and spin on their own ideas with a community of people to contribute experience would be a powerful gift. Just to simply be reminded on gratitude, is such a great tool to have. I started shifting to the darkside A bit, which manifested from not feeling loved and supported or understood to physical illness and exhaustion. But if I didnt get run down, maybe I wouldnt have seeked some more guidence and had these revelations that I'm hoping I retain after the cold meds wear off!

DAY TWO: Abounding River Tomorrow.
Homework tonight was give some form of supply to a stranger, make a list of all forms of abundance in your life, take on a apology, notice where your making up somethings wrong....which I think I did in my Blogs, pretty exensively! The first two will have to wait until morning. Since I no longer want to create myself as sick!

Another reminder. Ask, believe, recieve - thoughts create things - the power of I AM....
I have been using the term "I'm fighting a cold" the past few days - well then I'm fighting my health right?? How about I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL - I AM (ALSO) LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND I AM LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED.

I am grateful for these opportunities to grow!
xo-me