oooooh, I'm in a sick feeling place tonight after being in such a loving and supportive transformational environment most of the day. Our feeling place is strange and doesnt always make sense but when we really listen to ourselves there's tremendous inner wisdom. Sometime's we need a reflection or reminder to nudge it out of ourselves.
I attended a workshop called the New View of Love with cafe gratitude, and I offered myself as a volunteer. 2 things came up for me there. Why am I volunteering when this month was supposed to be about ME? And if I'm choosing to do something for someone else why am I not putting energy into something that pays? Okay on the surface when I listen to my head that's what it looks like. But when I follow my heart and trust the signs that have been layed out in front of me, the heart said, I needed to be there. I knew I'd learn something just by being present. AND WOAH DID I???!!!
I was put in a very interesting new place, because I was holding space for people as a volunteer but was instructed to hold it in a whole new way. Me, nikki in everyday life, with every relationship can get sucked into personalizing someone else's process and journey. I have this innate "need" to fix, nuture, teach or help heal that other person. Okay, well that just cued more vomit! haha And perfect timing. I recognize that now as my need not theirs. Especially when they don't ask for it! It was a coping mechanism I created as a little girl and when I could see the world I lived in wasn't always safe or authentic and I needed to find ways to passively control to feel safe.
I also saw the beauty in my parents they didn't see or fully realize in themselves and it was a way of trying to pull that out of them, which then turned to me performing for them to show them. Yes, I perform because I love it, but they also made me that, and I used to be fearless, but then I tapped into how the rest of world opperates and functions on fear and judgments and how my dad never fully committed to himself and his art because he was focused on money being a separate thing and mom put all her creative energy into creating a CREATIVE husband & children.
But today I was asked to observe more than share, and my mind wouldn't quit today. With every ""clearing" and every "share" of others I had to be conscious of and release what ideas, judgments, solutions I'd come up with in my mind. Because their only mine. They might not benefit them, and they might but they weren't asking me for it. It wasn't my place. And what A LOAD OFF MY LIFE. To realize it's not ABOUT ME. It's not about SAVING. It's not about shutting off my truth either but really being present to whats going on in my mind and what my place is for another person and any given situation. Sometimes we are just the obverver, sometimes supporter, and sometimes teacher. The teacher was triggered cause I felt what some of these other beings have felt, I had things I could have shared but didnt, couldnt really, I had a few things that I did when there was an inviation the share, But you get me going and I can talk for hours about my journey of transformation and healing...obviously.
What I took on today was that it is really about how we see things. I can choose to see something as missing from a person or I could choose the see all there strengths and gifts, I could choose to feel lack because I dont have a car or I could choose to take it as a gift, because I'm being green, I meet & observe new people in all walks of liFe that I wouldnt normally be exposed to, I'm spending less money...somtimes, it's teaching me to plan better and be more intentional about my day, I am being taught how to recieve when others offer me rides, and giving them a chance to give.
I also walked away with another amazing gift of "clearing". It's basically a question and acknowledgement game. So I get asked a question: like this for example, "what's keeping me from service work right now? 1." my answer would be 2, "I feel like my heart is in the idea of service work but I worry about making money and finding that balance of being in service to myself and others." So they mirror me 3. and say. "Okay, what I'm hearing is that your heart is in service work but what is keeping you from it is your worry's about making money and finding balance of being in service to yourself and others." That the first part. But it's great cause it really gives you a clear mirror when someone repeats your own words back to you. You can literally HEAR yourself.
2nd part is ask 4., "how does that make you feel?" 5. i answer, "I feel guilty and selfish if I'm not being of service and frustrated and obligated to do jobs for money that my heart might not be into." They 6. repeat that to you. you breath it out and let that go. And 7. the next question turns it around. It might be something like "what do you want to be acknowledged for?" my answer 8. is "I want to be acknowledged for my creative gifts and my ability to see and inspire other peoples creativity and recognizing their own lights." And 9. then they acknowledge you for that and add even more of the good they see in you. its powerful stuff!
my Tink light is very dim right now. Which I'm a bit sad about cause it was such a love high today in Topanga, lots of sharing and hummingbirds and butterflies. And my carrot cake got lots of props...which see, I was judging before hand. But..err had to puke again. Lordy, I'll be glad when this passes.
Oh, a big one that came up was resistance. I had a bit of resistance even getting there today, cause I had to get there super early, and take off work last night, and find the right bus, and pay for a cab the rest of the way, and ask myself is this going against my 30 day committment. But my heart felt it was right, even nessessary. But that voice in my head that's always running, sometimes noticeably and other times not, was nagging at me...nah, nonono, obligations, pain in the ass, etc. And what we should all do is look that in the face and run with it. Be a rebel against yourself. I'm really wanting to start facing things I'm scared off, or resistant to at the very least acknowledge it and explore what its about. I'm not gonna jump in a crate with snakes, but at least ask why that fear is there. But if I listened to the nagger, I wouldn't be as aware & clear of half these things I'm sharing today!
But it's probably why my head is hurting so much right now. The nagger is pissed at me for ignoring it. Well thank you nagger for the good you did me when I needed it but I dont need you anymore, I am all grown up and safe and can make my own way listening to my heart now! So take a perminant vacation. You deserve it!
I guess that goes for my nagging to. I apologise to anyone in my life that I may have been that voice to, where I kept you from trusting your own choices and process, where I offered advice or "counsiling" where it wasnt asked for or needed, and if you ever needed to just be heard and I wasnt able to hold the space properly for you. If that is the case. I Screwed up and I will own that and say I will make it a focus to be mindful of that side of myself. Thank you for listening and understanding I'm human. Let's applaud eachother for our mistakes! yippie!
Here's to A Healthy & Vital Tomorrow.
I love you guys, I really really do, and I'm gratful for the connection I have to you in my life. You make me real!
Be Love by Letting love Always LEAD
xo-me
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