This is when "be careful what you wish for" comes in handy. BE SPECIFIC! haha Things come in all kinds of forms. There is no good or bad right? But sometimes they can feel that way. Did you think I crapped out on the blog? Just another thing I wouldn't finish? Well......plllsibslle (that's me sticking my childlike tongue out at you!) I just really crazy busy past few days.
Remember me bitching about being bored and unfulfilled? Or was I just thinking that? Bang! I had Dance rehearsals, 2 call-backs, and Casting work, eating up all of my hours, oh and of course a final straw for THE BOY DETOX. It's been a whirlwind of not enough sleep mixed with fun, creativity, study, and connection. Connection to my body, words on a page, emotion, other people, and my self most of all. I'm seeing more signs pointing me in the right direction. And away from what or who aren't for my greater good at the moment.
I was given compliments, and appreciated for all of my efforts. It's nice when that happens. And what I realize is it comes with the territory of being true to yourself. It naturally happens. People struggle and try to force others to give us this gratification all the time. I've done it time and time again. I was doing it last week! We all feel owed something. Well guess what, we got to give it to ourselves first! And if we fill ourselves up with our own joy and abundance and love then we aren't needy on other people to give it to us. The extra is icing!
Although I still need to learn how to receive. I said no to money. Huh? yeah, right! For casting I set out a certain amount of days and rates, well we did an extra day. I didn't keep up or realize it so when my client asked how much more does she owe I said oh no we're fine...in retrospect, she did owe me one more day.....SHIT!!! My fault though. I've been scattered. That's that grown up, responsible, feeling worthy, thing I'm still trying to get a handle on! haha Frick!
I found myself feeling little sparks of jealousy too. Not a nice place to be. A place I haven't had to be in a long time. Mostly because I haven't been in a relationship for a long time. Weird how something so wonderful looking can bring out the worst in people. Well, it was really a conversation that was just confirmation for what I was already feeling, and my intuition was telling me. But maybe there is a fine line of too much truth. The truth will set you free right? Ok, that's true now that I know what I know I'm freeing myself from a potential disaster with the gypsy boy. I thought it was done already but we had one more go around and I was quickly reminded why I left the first time. He uses his dick to escape reality, and sometimes it's with 3 women at a time and sometimes it's just in his head with a girl he sees at a Diner. Either way, I am in no mood to be put in a box and taken out when it's convenient to play with me. I am a little angry. Which makes me also acknowledge my actually feelings. I love and adore this man. We are friends. We are free spirits who appreciate and respect that of each other but "being" together makes those qualities a little more complicated. So before I can no longer Love and Adore him. I have to fly away again. Because my heart is too fragile.
I Felt on top of the world in my last post, and my energy quickly deflated after a too many details convo, less than great sex, and lack of sleep. WHY???? Again, where in my soul did this feel like a good idea? Is the orgasm really worth it? Well it doesn't matter actually cause once the sexual connection starts flat lining, I know our expiration date has come. It usually takes 2 week increments before he ventures off. I think I got a little extra this time, a few bonus rounds. Oh well NOBODY is souring my milk anymore. Oh and after what I'm assuming was our first & last LOVERS breakfast here's something interesting, I saw Bill Compton at said Diner eating by himself....For those who don't get the reference, only a character in one of my favorite TV shows running besides the Flight of the Concords....he's THE Vampire from TRUE BLOOD.
Confirmation to stay focused on my path. And then the kicker, I decide to hit the beach to clear my muddled brain and emotions to the sea and sand. I also planned to read over my call-back script in an attempt to make up for the lost hours from the night and morning of, too much TRUTH. Well who do I walk into but the 48 year old computer chair guy, my new coffee shop therapy client from a few nights ago. He went surfing this particular morning and I somehow found myself roaming on his same path. OH BOY! haha I mean truly at this point all I could do was laugh, if there were bushes close by I would have dove into them, but there were not. So I found laughter to be the next best thing. But it was nice to see my counsel not going to waste. He heeded my advice and got back on his board after a year to connect back with mother earth and himself. And you know that is actually a beautiful mirror image about what I was going to do for myself. So really, it was perfect. huh. I'm just realizing that.
Am I finally trusting my own intuition? Sweet!
Oh, man I still haven't called back the sweet engineer....geez nice guys do always finish last! Okay....I will text him now to apologize...and preface THIS IS NOT A BOOTY CALL at 12:37am
I affirm:
I am creative!
I am whole!
I am abundant!
I am loved and loving!
I am grateful!
How about you???
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