Okay, this is a trip. My friend who does body work, gave my half a treatment last night, and boy did I need it! I could feel things releasing instantly like never before. i/e if she was working around my heart I could feel something let go in my ovaries, magical. knots became visions of a few people or situations in my life that I have held on too. A major block I took on from my dad who never truely followed his dream to be a singer/songwriter. Here I am at 30 too afraid to sing the songs I write in front of my friends. It's not my trauma, it's his. I may not even need to sing for me, my passion in life was always dancing, then acting this has been an interesting release for my expression and gave our relationship a connection but I'm wondering if I'm processing through my DAD's stuff...for him. Cause he doesn't know how. I know this is very metaphysical.
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It's trippy. We take shit on from the womb. I have attracted people and situations, even acting roles I have gotten based on emotional processing I needed to work though with out realizing it at first. The past few years I caught on, but don't know how to stop it. I guess that's the point, we don't. It comes up and out when your are ready for it. So no matter how confused you are in the moment, how hurt you are right now, how perplexed you are by Someone Else's actions....take a breath, rise above yourself from a higher perspective and trust that you are right where you need to be, you are dealing with the lessons you need. And tomorrow you'll be a little more clear.
I can tell you how many mirrors and Karmic situations I have gotten myself into but it's a novel! Here's one recent one. This involves my friend who was a booty call or at least acted like one almost a year ago. I judged him, assumed the worst from him, and didn't take him seriously, I felt used and needed to prove I was better than the way he treated me and blew him and his dirty jokes off. (pun no longer intended-haha) Well we've been shifting our relationship and actually listen to each other more, have respect for each other's opinions and he called me out! Of all people in my life! Talk about Karma. I gave him shit cause he was such a player, and here I am with the last two guys I had interest in and I was physical with them both in same time period. I was being a player, playing the guy game, without realizing it.
I told him I was about to PENIS DETOX again. He said why? I said cause the 2 guys I was interested in aren't working out, and he said well that's probably your problem. I didn't get it at first. He asks Do they know about each other? I said well I haven't been hiding anything but it also never came up. Which I'm realizing is really the same thing, and I know better, and I hate when it's happened to me and here I am doing it.....why? I never gave either one of then a fair shot. I was half-assing it. So much so that I let a few "other" kisses in between but alas those were very short lived, like hours if that. Why the 2? Because One was close and one was far, one was familiar and the other new, one was more a physical connection the other mental. But then I compared them and tried to find the missing links, and they started to shift, emotions seeped in where they weren't before, physical gels better with him now, but now our schedules don't match....this dating thing is tricky stuff. So of course I was frustrated! I did it to myself! And I'm sure they felt it in my tone or a criticism or in their intuition at some point. I don't know if they were boinking anyone else at the time but that's not the point. I wasn't being completely authentic especially with myself. There's the problem!
I do that in my career too. Juggle options, interests. I feel like I'm interested in so many things that I haven't put 100% effort into just one never mind any of them. So of course I'll only get so far at it. Jack of all trades MASTER of none. REALLY good at a few, okay at others, but I wonder why I'm living paycheck to paycheck. As soon as I get the ball rolling I get distracted and dart in another direction. Is it fear, or boredom, or just my Gemini nature. I'm not sure. Is it an addiction to debt or fear of success? So I've been told by a few spiritual advisers. Is it because I was shown how not to follow my dream in childhood but encouraged to keep chasing it in some way? Could be....but when I was younger, like teens, I was fearless! I could manifest anything I wanted. Until boys!
Boys distracted me, and I hate saying it because I feel like I'm confirming it in some way. But there it is. I'd attract the guys who needed me to better them in some way which would distract me from my self. Like mom with Dad. I'm shifting that. Doing my best to avoid those co-dependent relationships and it has seem to tip the scales in a way that now I look like the mess. I don't like that! But it is revealing what I need to take care of. Which has needed to happen for years. It's amazing what the universe shows you when you pay attention. Like a car is a symbol about how you lead your life. Before my accident and literally crashing in to wall I'd get tickets to a point that I got a boot, had to go to court for a few, fought one and the cop actually showed up! Out of the 8 people my cop shows up! haha Now that I have a car again. An old ticket resurfaced, there's a threat to my license and I took off the mirror to my friend car. Residual shit from the past haunting me so I can take care of it and be done with it! There is so much symbolism and parallels in my past with facing these situations.
Last night after my treatment I went to a coffee shop. I giggled at a guy who got really excited over a comfy chair. It sparked a conversation, which is not unlike me with strangers, especially when the strangers do most of the talking and I listen with an open heart. I seem to put people at ease with divulging their problems. I also hear them, relate to them on some level, and naturally give counsel or at least encouragement. It truly never fails, wherever I go!
Well this particular man spoke of a lot of my interests and we seem to be in similar financial boats and career cross roads. He was also handsome in an older guy form, witty, and flirtatious two more qualities I appreciate and can step up to bat for. And when he said he played the guitar....well shit, here I go again, okay the past few months actually year or so I'm attracting musicians into my life. I'm writing music I do nothing with....musicians...dad...okay, you following me? So he asks if I want to go to a movie, I say sure....I just recently watched YES MAN so why not.
Well we never went to the movie, he played me a few songs, while I pet his BLACK LAB (me and my exes dogs) and he layed on his bed while I sat in a chair like his therapist. Weird. Then of course he's a man so he wanted to spoon or kiss me or more and I had to fend off his advances after I did the math on his age. He's about my mom's age with my dad's creativity and abundance issues, and I WAS MAKING HIM FEEL GREAT JUST TALKING TO HIM....his words. what?! hahaha My life can not be more of a comedy of errors lately.
Okay in a way it's a gift but it's also a curse because I have no idea how to curb it or put off the vibe that my office hours are closed. I know this is in some way part of my light work. But I'm not entirely ready yet. I guess I am because it already naturally happens and sometimes I say things and I know they must be channeled because my life in many ways does not reflect my brilliant advice, but I guess what I would like is for it not get convoluted into my romantic relationships anymore, or distract me from my own personal goals. I need a balance. I want my own reflection in my mirror, so whoever I attract now I want to show me what I need to see as much as I show them what they need to see, and I'm getting glimmers of that. My San Diego boy, who has since gone back to his cave showed me the importance of goal setting. So here goes.
I'm going to take some classes in PR/Marketing starting next week, so I understand more of the business part of the BIZ,
Finish my BA so something IS finished in my life,
After my BA, Masters in Expressive Arts Therapy, to use all my talents to work with kids, artists and others who need to find their expression,
Record my songs with a friend who offered just to do it,
Keep dancing and create my own projects, Dance Evoke Videos,
Write a chapter a week of my book,
Get new photos,
Build a Acting website,
Cut new demo reel,
Become more financially free,
Say no when I need to,
Help those who are in need and appreciate it,
Stay with flow and trust it,
Stop working for free unless it's for myself, or charity I believe in,
ACT in projects I believe in!,
Get my own apartment,
Pay off car within 6 months,
Write a Gratitude List every morning with my morning pages,
Keep my heart open and intuition strong to attract and recognize whoever is meant to be my perfect reflection of LOVE!
ahhhhhhh, that feels good!
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