What sides of you do you show? PART 1

Hey Guys & Gals!

It's been a while since a had a good diatribe about acting. For those who don't know I spent last year & change really supporting other actors development. Helping them find their niches, picking out their best photos & reel footage, but most importantly learning about who they are, their natural essence, their strengths in expression, what they put out to the world and ultimately the type of work they want to be attracting. Together with getting specific and detailed and clearing out the clutter - We would implement ideas and I saw the ones that did the work for themselves get more opportunities.

In doing so I realized I haven't ever fully committed to doing the work PROPERLY for myself. I was making sure my clients were accountable, but no one was holding me accountable for my own career goals with acting. I did a half-ass version of it, and it would show in every headshot session I took, no matter how good the photographer was, there was a part of me missing.

As an Artist, I think we all have this underlying force that drives us to be liked or at the very least understood, so the pressure of a headshot session really puts a magnifying glass on that - and the pressure to get it right usually creates the opposite outcome. Worries include: I don't want to look ugly or fake or standoffish or overly confident etc etc etc - then what do you get? Someone disconnected & stuck in their head with a fake smile on their face. Basically, you have 2 seconds to make an impression on a gatekeeper for a potential job through a 2"X 3" photo on a computer screen. If you don't make a strong enough impression you don't get a second click of a button to see your reel footage, nevermind a third click to be invited to an audition. So essentially that leaves thousands of talented actors out there jobless and never seen because their headshot didn't make a good enough impression.

So I have decided to take my own advice and create an action plan. I got a camera for Christmas and decided I could just practice on myself and develop some character Archetype ideas before investing in yet another round of headshots. And to my surprise, I got some pretty good stuff! I like the word Archetype because it reminds me of classic storytelling - There's always the Ingenue, the Love interest, The Protagonist, the Villian, in most stories - However, now we see it's more interesting if someone has layers in their work. And I can go in to a whole tangent on that - but this is where our core selves come in, to make that Archetype a Human Being. And a unique human being that other people can relate to but only we can bring to the table.

Which brings me to my First Archetype JENNIFER

Jennifer is an east-coast girl with sass, edge and attitude. She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder from a tough upbringing. She's a bartender & rock & roll music lover. She doesn't trust easily but is loyal to a fault when she loves you. If there is a tough situation ahead, Jennifer doesn't cower in fear, she takes on the challenge and she stands up to fight.

I wanted to try on Jennifer first because she is a close version me and people I grew up around. Every BOLD WORD is an inner truth for NICOLE, the real me. She is also pretty natural as well, and not afraid to look bad. So technically speaking, with not knowing my camera that well, it seemed to be the easiest option to try.

I was recently using an exercise DALLAS TRAVERS teaches in her class called THE ACTORS BUSINESS BLUEPRINT, and I was reminded of the philosophy of researching backward. A few of my Target shows are stylized - fantasy Dramas. THE WALKING DEAD, VAMPIRE DIARIES & THE ORIGINALS - They are all shot in the southeast and it made sense that someone like JENNIFER may be a type of role that could pop up on those kinds of shows at some point.

So who would Jennifer's alter ego be on THE WALKING DEAD?

How about this girl? - I see her as confident, strong willed, the fixer, and maybe even love interest
I'm not wearing a lot of makeup - because on this show the characters are usually dressed in dirt.



And I could take it a step further and go a little darker - This chick looks a bit more fierce like she is in the middle of it already. You can tell she has been fighting for her life and she is good at killing zombies by now. The fear she used to have is gone.



Then there is the Vampire Diaries & The Originals (same creators)- These shows have roles who could be a Vampire, A Witch, A Werewolf, A Hybrid Vamp/Werewolf or even a mere Human. So either of the 2 above could probably work. But to take it a step further in tone of the show - I know these shows are CW and a bit more fill with "PRETTY" people. Meaning they make sure you are looking pretty hot covered in blood

So Below you can see there is a bit more hair & makeup going on, it's still on the natural side but Vampires tend to be attractive, sexualized, & confident beings because they can't be easily killed.



And how about a fiery, tough werewolf who grew up in the bayou? - she'd be a bit more country maybe even trashy so why not really let that chip on her shoulder and roots in her hair show for this one. But Werewolves are loyal and protective of their pack - and I think that comes through in my eyes in this one - This says GO AHEAD I will take a bullet for my brother!



So this is a fun project that I have been working on this the Holidays. I got a few more characters in the can I will share. Now I have to give credit where credit is due. These self-portraits would not be as clean and complete without the amazing retouching skills of James Rhodimer who also happens to be an awesome photography and filmmaker I have always trusted with my face! lol. And I would like to give credit to Peter Hurley Photography as well. Peter has shared some of his techniques and tips online and it has really helped me to understand how to capture what it is that has been missing for me both behind and in front of the camera.

I would love to hear your thoughts about these shots and the shots still to come. Also share if you have any character suggestions, favorite photographers, or even if you want to share your own experience posing for headshots. Sharing is caring and we can all learn from each other.

Comment below!

xo - Nicole

YO HO YO HO an Actor's Life for me!

Hey guys & gals!

February 2015!? WHAAAAAAAT?! Things have been picking up lately. 2 auditions today! That hasn't happened in a while for me. I haven't been one of those actors that's blessed with multiple auditions a day or a week for that matter. But I am starting to see that shift, finally. The past few months besides the Holidays, I have been getting out for commercials more than ever. I would like to think it's something I have control of, but if you have been pursuing any creative career there are sooooo many factors which are out of our control. College Degrees don't necessarily matter, internships aren't the way to work your way up, but connections and relationships do, HEAVILY. It doesn't even matter if you have representation or not if your Reps don't have relationships with people who can help you get seen for work. Luckily, I have spent time in multiple areas of this business. Some days I can get down on myself thinking I have wasted a lot of time in casting or assisting someone and let myself lose focus on my career and that's why I don't have some of the credits I would like to have by now. I could even use that excuse and put the blame on romantic relationships I have had, that were definitely cause for distraction. AT THE END OF THE DAY, That's on me. There is no room to be victim or blame circumstances outside of myself, and the truth is if I haven't had those experiences I wouldn't be the person or the actress with the knowledge and depth that I have now. PERIOD. And doesn't that give me a little bit more of an interesting story to share than being a trust fund kid using nepotism to get jobs. Hey, I would take that fate, and enjoy the easy ride, but I will no longer allow myself to think my path was wrong. I am where I am. And it's proven to be a pretty good place. Because I have really good trusting relationships with others. Most projects I shoot now are by invitation from people I have worked with before, most of my commercial auditions are from my boss at a casting company I work with part time. I finally found a manager through a mutual friend who has the same goals for me as I do for myself. And has been sending my picture out to all the shows I would love to work on.

The only thing I can control in life is me, my reactions to things, my thoughts about things, my focus, my distraction, my gratitude, my preparedness, the lessons I learn, the opportunities I recognize and my attitude from day to day. I don't have control over whether my face is the perfect face for someone's project, and there are a lot of actors who change their features to try to be. If I were to ever do that it would have to be to create the perfect face for myself because any time we choose to make ourselves change for others only, it is bound to be met with disappointment or regret and resentment. That goes for anything in life, doesn't it? All I can do is do what I do, look the way I look, and trust that if it's meant for me it will be. I can give it a little bit more of a magically nudge with my visioning and affirm my belief in myself that this or something better is for me, and I have actually booked jobs that way believe it or not.

2 Lessons learned and nuggets I would like to share with any other actors. First: Sometimes we don't see ourselves the way others do, and it's okay to ride that wave to see where it goes. I wouldn't cast myself as a mom, because I am not one, I think of myself as more of a wacky aunt yet a few of my more recent auditions are showing me otherwise. I just booked a commercial that I will be shooting this month as a MOM. So yes, I do have that in me. Why not embrace that, and get paid for it?! So last night I went out and bought a few "mommy shirts" at Target so I will feel more like that character when these auditions pop up. Second: DON'T take Sudafed before an audition, unless you are auditioning for a drug addict role, haha, because it made me really jittery and you never want to come off nervous in an audition or look like a coke head for that matter. My sinuses were clear but it didn't help me feel grounded. Hopefully it wasn't noticeable to anyone other than me, but the camera usually sees all. So word to the wise, stay clear until after your audition.

Here's a nice little send off from my college professor Jim Beauregard that brightens my day when I hear it from him! And I would like to extend that favor.

You're #1, stay wonderful!
xo-me

From Leading Lesbian to Junkie

So there comes a time in a girls life when she wears masks to get by in the world and compartmentalizes the different parts of herself on purpose. And there's other times when other's project masks on us, whether we like/agree with them or not. LA especially is a town, I think, that is mostly run by first impressions. Image is everything...literally. BE A NICHE or chance not being noticed at all. Which I gotta admit, being in my 30s now, I don't mind that at all. I've been dubbed a lot of different images by others. The aspiring actress, The casting director, The hostess with the most-est, that guy's girl who got away, that other guys crazy ex he got away from, the supportive friend, the flaky hippy chick, the over stretched producers assistant, the willful daughter, and the estranged California cousin. And in Acting, the working class victim or crazy girl from 2000-2005, the lesbian/bisexual from about 2004-2009, the druggie/stripper from 2010-present. In fact, I happen to be one casting director's go to junkie. I have been brought in straight to call backs after booking my first role with him as a junkie. Hence the first impression. And in the meantime, I am shooting reel to show my lighter comedic side. I'm a bit sugary and salty in real life and want to bring that to my "acting niche". But part of playing the game is making sure I'm letting that shine through when people meet me too.

Now in real life...here's the thing. I am a complex multifaceted person! I am a gemini, I am from the east coast, I grew up on the back of a Harley, I have a soft spot for musicians because my dad was one, I am highly emotionally expressive and need to release it either through art or calling someone out on their bullshit, I am very in tune with my inner child and she gets really excited about bubbles and butterflies and magic, I am a feminine lady with grace who shields a masculine sword. I will not ask you to change a light-bulb for me or even my tire I have AAA. My point is I can be your biggest cheerleader or your dark Angel of karma & lessons. So do not get attached the one version of me that you enjoy. Accept all of me or you will be disappointed. And I am willing to bet I am not the only one with this kind of request in life. Doesn't it suck when you feel misunderstood because of someone else's assumptions or judgments? I will be the first to admit I have judged others the same way. If you show me you are a drunk hot-mess the first time I meet you, you can easily be that forever in my eyes, unless I see other wise. If you lie to me and I catch it, because I always will, now I just assigned you the mask of not to be trusted. And if your awesome upon our first meeting, you will be awesome always, even if you have a bad day unless you turn into a d%*k. Just sayin'. haha.

So maybe we can all work on our judgements and assumptions of others and ourselves for that matter and allow each other the benefit of the doubt. It's a lesson I have been getting all year! Really all my life if I'm completely honest. And I was wayyyy better with acceptance when I was working at my Be Love hippy vegan restaurant. But alas, still a work in progress ya'll.

And this just in, I just got a call that I booked the Junkie girl role, yet again! Woot!

Here's to wearing the mask we choose just in time for Halloween!
xo-me

Reminding me of me!

Hello Long lost friends!

Wow! Has is really been since 2012? Needlessly to say too much has happened to put it ALL in one blog. Since June 2012....hmmm Highlights...

Worked at Cafe Gratitude Venice
Tried waitressing it didn't work out
Got really into kundalini yoga
Got a new Amazing roommate
Started to work for a Line Producer and still kept cafe job
Booked a few movies
Dated a bit
Shot a few pitch videos for characters I wanted to attract
Got a different Manager
Saw Fleetwood Mac live!
Left the assistant job
Got back together with the ex that I probably said in a past blog I would never get back with....love is a funny thing
Started a monthly update for acting, kinda like a blog!
My father passed away and I almost lost my mother the same night, quite a life game changer
Cue, therapy - east coast for almost a year - funeral planning, lots of hospital visits, life flashing before my eyes but also getting to connect with my family and learn more about our history.
Enter fixer, take care of business take charge oldest child get shit done to make things better somehow and get mom set up with care and healing and peace. The assistant jobs came in handy there
Being shown how lucky at the support and community I have on both coasts
Falling more in love and depending on my strong and caring man, while our past, fears and scars being triggered left and right from my emotional trauma. Cue more therapy and being patient with ourselves
Seeing my roommate finding the man of her dreams who is worthy of her love and
getting him as a new roommate
My dad wrote a goodbye song through me from spirit
Back in town, manager wasn't working out - NEED TO AUDITION!! Get a new one!
Starting working at music venue
Went to Maui
Hit Mid 30s! ekkk
Hid in a cave licking my wounds for 2 months after coming back to cali
Met my boyfriends parents....adorable
Dog watching a 15 year earth angel
Working at a theater program for inner city kids, which i love
Got new pictures!
Hit a few CD workshops
Had some full circle moments that help heal past issues with said boyfriend
Faced a fear and sang on stage and in videos with my man
Got to be in change of fun and games at roomies wedding shower
Basically living with boyfriend....but not...yet
Started a heart project to honor my dad's music
My auntie I haven't seen in 30 years came to visit Cali!
Roomies are married, need to move
Now we are talking about moving with each other
Saw Paul McCartney Live!
Still waiting for some damn auditions, and questioning my life decisions
My car got side swiped while parked - hit & run. book
A crackhead almost fought me because I said good morning to her. also booooo
Learning to let & surrender more, and learning it again, and again, and again
The doggy I was watching just past away and i'm a little heart broken
My mom had her new life birthday at 55!
I'm selling things getting ready to move in with my man! Big news, Big step after the on/off journey we have had the last 4 years. We made it a to a year anniversary for the first time this go around! 2 feet in!

so yeah.....that's about it! Now we are caught up! Love ya's! Make everyday count. The last life cycle I had where I experienced a lot of death in my life was right before I met my BE LOVE community. Transformation people! Death before Rebirth. If you don't do it willingly the universe will do it for you. But now what? haha - A wise woman told me to be still and allow things to be shown to me. So that's what I am intending to do. And blog more....and enjoy the rebirthing....but reading my last blog posted about MAKE BELIEVE was a good reminder of who I was, and that magical child that is always inside me, and I can always imagine things to be better!

Peace & stillness, ya'll
xo-me

Make Believe

Wow, I just had an epiphany because of a friends status update! She said "it's all make believe, isn't it?" And it got me thinking of MAKE BELIEVE....All those stories are stories of Magic and transformation. They entertain us as children but as we grow up we are taught that they aren't real, that we can never become a real queen or king, that we'll never find our prince or true love, that there are no Knights or wizards that can save us from monsters, or people trying to tempt you with poisoned apples.

I thought about this briefly, and got struck with this new awareness....MAKE BELIEVE - is really.....MAKING OURSELVES BELIEVE....AND THEN IT'S TRUE! The Good and the "bad". WE CREATE IT! Every thought and story we make up projects out into our reality! (which I knew from "The Secret and Law of Attraction" But Now, I see how I am writing my own faerytale. And I can see I AM CREATING it being filled with magic and love and transformation, and a kingdom of happy fulfilled divinely inspired people.
However, I've met my fair share of poisoned apples, and had to face some dragons along the way. I have transformed beyond the effects of the darkness, and I will continue to do so in my land of Make Believe. Unleashed by breaking the dark spell hanging over my choices and environment, I get to become my powerful, beautiful, and complete self! A radiant heart open queen who inspires greatness in her court.

What a gift! I get to tell my own story! MAKE BELIEVE, huh? Interesting how we all had it backwards, eh? BELIEVE...MAKE!

Once Upon a Time, In a land filled with Palms and an Ocean Breeze.....
To Be Continued
xo - Me

Reflection from 32 to 33!

Wow! I am 33 years old today! Time flies when your having fun eh? I really want to start my day sharing and reflecting on what has come to me this past year and the growth and opportunities and dreams I was able to create. I have realized my connection to the cosmos and the moon/solar eclipse in gemini has DEFINITELY affected me in the past few weeks. I have fallen asleep to how amazing my life has actually been this past year. We have been conditioned to be insatiable and focusing on lack, and I just want to APOLOGIZE to myself and anyone I've encountered the past few weeks for viewing my world without my rose colored glasses. I am committed to being the energy spark, the positive force, and cheerleader of LOVE.

I think with my personal year end and rebirth, I have been experiencing Major adjusting, releasing, and creating. So regaining my new bar rings, regaining my new vision, reclaiming my Love & gratitude and self worth and after sifting through the rubble of what I could make wrong or uncomfortable or "i haven't accomplished yet" - I AM BACK! I have gained new awareness, new strength, and new hopes and dreams.....there is so much to be proud of myself for and grateful for. I am blessed with AMAZING people in My life, a great Job, a rad apartment and roommate (my cousin), escapes to Malibu, a working car, healthy food, creative expression, and dreams coming true! What more could a girl ask for....

To bring you all up to speed and to remind myself I have actually been super productive this year with creating the life that I want.....Let's start from May 26th, 2011 There I was just turning 32....

I was in Atlanta, Just left my cafe gratitude community which I adored but felt like I need to revisit the film industry and make more money...I took a job extras casting...not my favorite job, but the money I was promised was right! I had plans, and goals for the money I was bringing in...Long story short after a week of remembering why I don't like the job, sweating in HOTLANTA, and being a lighthouse for my own and the business's KOOKOO came....

My old boss and friend and personal Saviour at the time Kristan Berona with a better offer, Extras coordinating and stand in on a HAPPY MADISON FILM...A dream come true! I have always always wanted to work with and see Adam Sandler work. The man is a comedic and business genius in my eyes, and I got paid a little more than I would have, I got to spend time with my family (which always has it's life lessons) and I didn't get to finish the whole film because I had my own film to come home to....


IN THE NIGHT, my role of Jane a ghost writer who wants to be an actress and writes a story about artist trust and following there full potential, literally paralleling myself. It was a great 3 day experience! Intense amount of material to get through but it was great to play and express, and challenge myself with the character, amount of material and myself! (Months later, This same project later fulfilled another dream of european travel!!! My amazing Director Goetz Neumann and his incredible family took me in! I got to go to Germany, France and Amsterdamn, to continue work on the film!!! I have been manifesting Paris for years!! and it finally happen!!!) When I got back Mass....

My roommate moved, which was in her highest as she got a great job. I gave my cousin my room to stay in while I was gone and she stayed which allowed us to strengthen our bond. I was able to get a car FINALLY, and the Cafe was able to take me back! I was able to come back to my Malibu housesitting job....then reconnect to what was....a few months later I found myself housing another cousin, which had it's advantages and challenges but was a great reflection for me to look at where I felt I was lacking in career (because of his interest in starting in it) and my compassion for my male relationships (I hadn't lived with a man in 5 years) and patience and tolerance for those starting to going through their own transformations (both my cousins had to go through the similar releasing and shedding the east coast ad embrace to new and improved parts of themselves), and in general sharing my space, and what I need to feel comfortable and energetically sound. Another to be continued arrived...

A relationship I left, before the summer, resurfaced. My mirror, the reflection of my highest and worst self. Our bond is really unexplainable and the lessons and self discovery attached to our connection seems limitless, which doesn't always leave room for feeling great. So I have experienced many ups and downs with him, and 7 months later a lie severed our bond & trust. I have come to know about myself through this that I can not be with someone who does not allow me to trust my own inner power and intuition because of his own fears. I questioned myself. I didn't trust myself, so I couldn't trust him, and he didn't feel trusted, and then acted untrust worthy....but it's a weird situation of what came first the chicken or the egg. We have both discovered our old wounds, and help each other reveal them and hopefully continue to grow and heal them either on our own or with each other. This is the first time in a long time, I am attempting a friendship after a break up...And this has a whole new sense of challenges but I have discovered, now that I am living in my new awareness and commitment to Love, that its harder to try and NOT love him and be with out him, then to Love & forgive him anyway, however he shows up in my life. That's Compassion, That's unconditional love, that's truly loving myself.....The other way felt like torture, even though this way can sometimes be uncomfortable.

My lessons in love and community have definitely come from my job at the cafe and the amazing beings I am surrounded by that always hold me at my best....I need to make a list!

I definitely have Cafe Gratitude friends (all of you) to thank in supporting my heart & spirit & body transformation along the way.

From my friends and connection at the cafe....

Matty & Avasa Love for bringing me back to the dancer within me, by asking me to perform with them a few times....it's such a powerful spiritual practice for me that I let lay dormant too much, not too mention there music completely shifts me back into joy if I fall out of it....and...

I took a spiritual journey With Trent Farmer, who's practice was formerly called 8,000 arrows, and is going through a new transformation it's one. But from it I was given a morning ritual for grounding and focus, that I stuck with for 3-4 months steadily just missing a handful of times, breathing work & mediation etc. This expanded into....


Kundalini classes at Golden Bridge yoga, since cafe employees get a rad discount. A teacher Tej, and the teachings of Yogi Bhajan has changed my life! I started to not only take class but incorporate kundalini into my morning ritual, what a way to start my days!!! "Every women is a goddess" "Women in America have two choices, to be a goddess or a prostitute."

Where I discovered I was whoring myself and my services a bit was with a particular work situation. Casting. And just taking whatever was being offered, I never really found the strength to request/demand my worth. And the relationship suffered from that. I ended out feeling cheated, and like I was associated with a lack of integrity, or another truth can say it was a big misunderstanding. But I know what my gut said then, and its GET OUT. It was no longer in either of our best interests to stay working together...we both of to grow individually, it became codependent and an added stress in my life with little pay off. I lost trust and didn't feel appreciated in this relationship, and needed some space to find forgiveness on a human level. I didn't allow my feminine strength to serve me, I didn't portray myself as a goddess not to be underestimated!!! so that's on me.....

In sharing about feminine strengths in Kundalini with co-worker/friend Jordanna, she thankfully turned me on to The PAX Program from Alison Armstrong. I gained so much knowledge and understanding while I was in relationship and after about the differences between men and women, and what my personal feminine POWERS are. The gifts I have to share with my people! I AM BLISS, LOVE, WHOLENESS AND WORTHINESS - This is what I want to inspire in all I touch!

From there, another inspiring Gemini friend for sooooooo many reasons Alysse Fischer sparked a convo with me about a reading with Adrienne Fodor! Adrienne gave me some of the most revealing information of my life of where I was having blocks in career and love and my own worth. I received priceless advice from her and new goals to accomplish for my higher self especially in my business....and from one of Adrienne's suggestions and again the wisdom of my friend Alysse came....my new stylist.

I took on project "Getting Nikki's groove back" with friend and stylist Shannon Skillern, perfectly timed by the Universe with the Break-up, to find my best looks and working on my outer self, I forgot how the image I project, reflects & enhances my confidence and grace in the world. Not too mention a necessity in the business I am choosing to be a part of. Birds plum there feathers....so should I!

With my new improved inner self and outer self, it was time again to revisit my actor self. With all the new experiences, lessons, and growth I had since the Quirky, Flirty, Vulnerable me....I knew I had transformed into something new, and it's was time to discover that, to not be misunderstood when I walked into an audition. I took My Manager Sherry's niche workshop again - I have grown into Strong-willed, Authentic, and Vivacious! The Perfect fuel for my next goal....

With my new found confidence, fully expressed look, and Niche in tact, I booked an appointment with a Photographer I have been wanting to shoot with for over a year, Jenn Hoffman! Where I wasn't trusting my gut before, and listening to others, I took a stand and wasn't afraid to make the INVESTMENT in myself! Working with Jenn and her Hair and makeup artist Leslie Roderiguez was one of the best experiences of my life! And I got great shots the show me looking my best! Needless to say, the ones who steered me wrong before, were really happy with them....another lesson in trust my gut!

Also with getting my groove back, I feel like I have to give some credit to POF, of all things. POF, otherwise known as Plenty of Fish, an online dating site. This sounds hilarious I'm sure and after a few days of being on it I was ready to delete myself, as it can be a bit intense and find yourself soliciting attention you don't actually want. However, after day 3 upon almost hitting the delete button, I had an epiphany...why not just receive the messages being offered? I didn't need to go on dates with men I didn't want to just because they were writing me, I didn't even need to respond, but I could give myself the opportunity to receive compliments and acknowledge and connection with strangers who I felt inclined to speak to. What a powerful practice, and lovely medicine to receive after a breakup, I didn't realized how starved i was of acknowledgment and compliments in my last relationship until I was getting it from strangers! And one stranger in particular had caught my eye and my healing heart and charge my creative fingers to virtually connect and share ourselves. I have made an adorable innocent connection with someone I have almost deleted...a man who already sees me and holds me in my highest. We have such a nice kindred spirit connection and both bring unique experiences to the table that seem to already be inspiring, conquering, supporting, healing, and teaching each other with. This is very much feeling like a wooing centuries old, and I have no idea what it will turn into, but I know I have at the very least made a new amazing healthy friendship filled with possibility. Not too mention the other men who are doing amazing inspiring things that I could connect with and appreciate and learn from.

Speaking of connecting I have had some blasts from my past too, it's amazing how when you close doors others open, and with my new and improved view of the men in my life a few important friends have come back. My long time friend James Rhodimer, (co-created, ex roommate, margarita buddy,) and I ran into each other at a coffee shop one day, and it was like years were never lost. How I missed him! Another reflection where ego, misunderstanding, and stubbornness or negative energy of others can get in the way of great potential and connection. We had that, and we allowed someone to create chaos between us sadly. But alas, we had to grow apart to grow too I guess, and we have. We've both been up to great things. And now we are both supporting each other again in new great things! He's the reason I finally have My demos reels, proof that I am actually acting sometimes! haha Not too mention the finishing touches on my amazing Adrienne Fodor Photos, as well as some projects in the making....APOCALYPTIC PLAYGROUND & ELEVEN...stay tuned...extra bonus same day and time running into my buddy Norm, great writer/director who was the first one to see and speak my VIVAciousness! which suck with me!

In the spirit of getting myself out there! Although its nice to meet new people and try to date again, I don't want to loose focus on my career ambitious especially now with my ducks in order. One thing that came up in my reading is that I do have some reservations around acting and what have also come up is that it's not all that I want to do. I want to write and direct as well. I want to produce. Casting in the past has given my great experience and knowledge in working with actors, and the trusty seeker in me (which tends to come out mostly in my relationships...haha you've been warned) is a great gift in coaching actors to be more authentic. So where do I find myself....

My college professor Jim Beauregard, who talked me into becoming an actor in the first place brought me back to teach a class about surviving LA as an actor. Working with those students was a magical experience for my and was a beautiful full circle to remember how far I have come. My Ideal women can down talk me and think I should be further in my career, I should have more money, I could have accomplished more in 10 years if only I wasn't distracted by boys or jobs or WHATEVER. THAT BITCH CAN SHUT THAT FUCK UP!!! hahaha....The reward of knowing everything I have learned and experienced helped those kids, stretched those kids, gave new knowledge and inspiration to those kids, and brought my teacher to joyful tears introducing me, That was one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt like a contribution! I am inspired to continue to be a contribution in those ways and ways I don't even know about yet....

And someone who has also been a contribution on and off to my personal development spiritually is my spiritual counselor Renee Starr, who I have been seeing a agin for a few weeks. She has been a great guide for me in healing my codependency issues and discovering my self worth and hearts desires. I have received boundless tools form her over the years that has helped me make wiser choices, and greater understanding of myself. It's been great to have this kind of support and encouragement in my life as well. And we have plans of dismantling my fears and blocks, like facing debt for example as well as creating new business ventures

There was also some back and forth for another possible job in mass, but it fell through, I was excited about the idea of the money it would bring in, much like last summer, working with the same people I admire and respect, however I also had commitments here I would need to break, Malibu pet sitting, cafe gratitude, and myself with all my acting materials I just got in order, so it felt like the universe was testing my integrity somewhat here. So I made a choice...something I realized my ex was such a big mirror for me about, I was always telling him to JUST MAKE A CHOICE...well I had been living my life just letting things happen to me, being pulled where the wind would take me, and just saying yes without much forethought out of fear or lack, and as much as that kind of freespiritness is great so is it detrimental if for the wrong reasons. So I decided to make a choice and choose my first commitments, If I was to get the phone call I was waiting for and keeping people hanging about I would say thank you I appreciate it and I would love to but I am not available until my prior commitments are complete and in good shape. Otherwise if it didn't come, I would trust that I am meant to stay in Cali for the summer for something more suited for me. Well the phone call never came! Interesting huh? I made a choice I felt good about the choice. I'm telling the universe I am ready for the new and improved and bigger opportunities. I am here and open for My Audition for DEXTER and projects on the same LEVEL, and to go on a date with a guy who tells me how beautiful and stunning am am, I am appreciated my side job that allows me time alone receiving puppy love and malibu sun, I am committed to nurturing my relationships that I have here, I am excited and thankful to transition into Cafe Gratitude Venice and work closer to home and meet and grow with a whole new community, and I am open to whatever contribution I am meant to make that is for my highest and the highest for all I encounter.

I can contribute to the cafe by being open arms and welcoming I can contribute to my friends by being there biggest fans and cheerleader I can contribute to my family by reminding them how loved and appreciated they are MORE I can contribute to the men in my life but dropping my sword and seeing how amazing and helpful and supportive they are and allow them to provide for me! They like to hear yes!!! I can contribute to myself by allowing myself to receive and ask for help, and nurture my queen qualities and express my creative gifts. I can contribute to the world by continuing to teach, support, create, and give love when ever there is an opportunity, where ever I go, and with whoever I encounter.

Here's to the amazing run with 32, I am looking forward and upward for 33! I can't wait for the Great Journey that lays before me!

special shout outs to those who were not yet mentioned but have been with me through thick and thin for years, not only this one, who I love and adore and need to acknowledge... Jenny S, Savannah, Shannon V, Carolyn, Robin, Jennifer C, Christine R, Chris Sista, Jay Preston, Mike Darling and my amazing Family. My life would look completely different without you and its a life I probably wouldn't like....haha Love you!

ps...my peeps are amazing you should check them out!! www.cafegratitudela.com www.adriennefodor.com www.facebook.com/AlysseFischerMusic www.facebook.com/pages/Savannahs-Soulgarden/151388171538529 www.lotustar.net/ www.avasamattylove.bandcamp.com/ www.chrissista.com/ www.brashstudios.com/ www.jaypreston.com/ www.renrobot.com/ www.jennhoffmanphotography.com/ www.facebook.com/pages/Robb-Entertainment-Niche-Workshop/186209444816012 www.facebook.com/joeleckelsmusic <> I'm off to enjoy another new personal year!!!! Woooohooooo xo-me

Casting, and Europe and Love OH MY...

Well, Hi! My goodness where to begin? It seems my life has been full of full circles in the past few months. What I am most present to is returning to a job situation that is so close yet so far to what I want to do.....Casting. I am creating jobs for other actors which distracts from me getting my own. It's an act of service that I love. And I have found a new talent in director that I would like to explore, but at the cost of irritation, stress, self sacrificing, distraction and burn out - So really who am I serving in that state. I am in an immediate bad mood when dealing with this part of the commercial world. Things feel out of integrity, Judgmental, and fear based controlling not at all what I have been working to be a stand for. So I made a very scary yet powerful decision to be DONE! Never again, will I be doing this job for these people. AHHHHH. Sweet freedom.

They aren't bad people, outside of working with them I adore and respect them and can even accept their imperfections but to be connected in this way just doesn't work! Its dis-empowering in ways, and I have noticed a definite pattern in every time I make forward motion with my acting one of these jobs pop up. My fear and lack mentality get the better of me thinking I NEED it. When really They NEED me, that is a major shift that I am starting to understand in own your worth in Business. I have always just taken what was being offered. How pathetic is that. But It's a lesson, this time around I was given an opportunity to stand up for myself like never before, see through the bullshit, get screwed over and state ONCE AND FOR ALL, I am done. If I don't claim my worth who else will. This is for sure for the good of all. They need a type A personality that can school there asses, and I need to follow my heart.

Which brings me to Europe. Europe for sure has my heart. I was recently brought there by the director of my last film Goetz Neumman with IN THE NIGHT. I ironically and so perfectly played a character named Jane going through a very similar work situation. This was for sure a dream come true. To work on a creative project with a higher purpose in Europe. We did they ADR and VO work in Cologne Germany, which is a sweet Beautiful place. And the icing I got a few days off the Explore Paris which has been a life long dream. I have a Love hate relationship with Paris, mostly love. Paris has it's way with you, you can't control it just like any passionate love affair.

Speaking of....my next full circle, I have been spending lots of time with my ex, it's started before I left for Europe and he was completely up my ass the whole time I was gone with I miss you's and I love you's, everything I always wanted to hear. And I'm sure I have said on more than a few occasions I was done with this situation too. But he is like a new man. Literally. The potential I saw in Him, he is allowing himself to be. And this time around I like my own reflect in him a lot more. Not to say we haven't had little bumps in the road in the past few weeks but it's was mostly past conditions and habits we had resurfacing so we could work through it in a new and healthy way. It's been Nice and I'm trying to keep myself in trust and openness to whatever it is while being true to me. We are both very career passionate and focused people and both get distracted in relationship and other obligations that take us away from our heart jobs. But we both have soooo much talent and expression to share with the world. I think we both need to learn that choosing ours first isn't a bad thing, it's actually necessary to choose EVERYONE ELSE. I can at least speak for myself at this point.

I don't need to act to serve my ego anymore As I am only interested in roles & stories that will move, inspire, and heal. Those are hard to come by. So in the meantime I choose to continue my serve at Cafe Gratitude. A place of Love, Good company, and community support and encouragement. A place your spirit and worth grows! And not too mention the really healthy amazing food. And lastly my folks. This is very personal but if we can't be transparent and truthful how are we ever really connecting....through masks. That no longer interests me.

I cut off my dad after my trip back home working on the Sandler movie, we got into a big fight I was set off to the brick of insanity a place he is mostly and a place I haven't been pushed to in years. I moved across the country to escape it and heal. But it's hard to go back and not divert backwards. He's my biggest teacher in holding a seat in LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. But sometimes there is nothing to be done but let go. So that is what I had to choose, I couldn't listen to more lies, or grandiosity, bitterness, or regret any longer. I was done. Especially with the delusion most of all. I explained it all in a letter. He read it was able to understand some of it but not all. My mother was making strides with herself removing herself form the insanity and chaos as well. She was becoming more positive and self loving. Until around thanksgiving. She picked him up from some other crazy persons house and brought him to an out patient center that specializes in mental/emotional ailments. I have been asking him to get help for years, and this time demanded it if he ever wanted his daughter back. well they finally did it and apparently it saved his life. My dad had a stroke 20 years ago and was put on the wrong medication to balance his brain not to mention the continued prescriptions that I'm sure don't mix well for high blood pressure anxiety pain etc...you name it, they can "medicate it" My mom has fallen victim to her own version of this too. But This was actually making my dad's brain deteriorate his frontal lobe. Which low and behold, affect communication, rationality and personality, and oddly enough an injury another dear friend recently endured and is starting to recover from.

Well my dad no sooner checks out and comes home for Thanksgiving almost a new man and my mom goes in a week later. She tried to quick her meds cold turkey and it sent her into a tailspin. I spoke with her today and she sounds good she's coming home tomorrow. Times like these it's hard to be so far away, and times like these it's probably the best thing for my heart. another irony....the day my mom checked in was the day that a cried my face off at an audition playing a mother just diagnosed with an un-treatable disease. Weird. We are all so closely connected and fuel for each other.

Well That's the swell I have been surfing. I'm finding more loving healthy detachment from it all. As in not falling in the rabbit hole behind. I trust with every obstacle and seemed roadblock hurt and disappointment, we are being giving a chance to clear what no longer serves and come out better. My parents can have a second chance at health if they choose it, I can follow my heart if I choose. We all have a choice to make ourselves happy. Keeping ourselves truthful and healthy, mentally, spiritually, emotional, and physically in a huge part of it.

You can't save the world until you save yourself!
Much Love!
xo-Me

Malibu Days 17 & 18

To be continued

Malibu Days 16

May 14th, my best guy friend in high schools bday. He made me tougher, he gave me my first lessons as a therapist and he challenged me at every turn, nutured my rebellion, and but would protect me to the death. He's someone I can always count on and I don't acknowledge him enough. He loves me even when I piss him off by not calling him back and his relentlessness will eventually meet an opportune moment for me to catch up with him. He's one of those friends that no matter how much time goes by we'll be exactly where we left off, not in life but in our connection. I love those relationships, I have a few of them, and I'm so grateful for them. Because life happens, we grow in and away from each other but if we can always go back and always be unconditional with that fine line of attachment and detachment I think you have something really honoring and special with that person.

Happy birthday to my brutha from another mutha!

Then there's the other significant man in my life who seems to be an attachment from other life times at this point with what we are teaching each other as mirrors. The TALK, The talk was decided to be on the phone. on my way into work...we got a lot covered but still felt incomplete and a bit icky when I got there, so another round! Oi. It sometimes seems never ending, haha and maybe it's not meant to be, but in the past it was a lot easier to just cut someone out of my life for years or if not ever! so a to be continued on the never ending clearing....

And the 3rd significant man these days, my earth angel, show ups for some grub and a hug, just another reminder my life is still in total alignment, I'm not sure why I created him in this role for me, and why the universe offered this magnet energy to bring us to the same place at the same time, but he completely shows up when needed....kinda like Nanny Mcfee, "When you need me but do not want me I must stay, when you want me but no longer need me, I must go!" there's a pill to swallow eh? I have served as nanny a few times myself!

At any rate, i want to acknowledge natures little gifts thats she leaves us as keepsakes...shells, nuts, flowers, feathers....a lot of girls at work wear feathers in their hair and on earring, Lizzy one of the waitresses makes them. I LOVE THEM, SHE IS AMAZING!, even a few guys that come in have particated in honoring the air and our winged friends. I'm an air sign so it's a no brain attraction for me. There's little gems in each one of these men that I can take away with me, along with anyone else I have encountered or connected with. If we take them time to look, we all have gems, and gifts and trinkets inside waiting to be discovered and cherished like a treasure box.

treat yourself to some beauty and magic and cock feathers...i mean rooster.
www.adornyourselfgoddess.com

I have been told I have quite the pirate BOOTY myself! hehehe
xo-me

Malibu Days 15

Oooh, Friday the 13th!

Took all day to research DMV stuff I have to figure out how to renew my license before I leave and try to get an appointment but can't get appointment until I can get a day off!!! There's the rub.

Hmmmm. in the story of Lack of Time, That's a story the ex would use a lot, also my own personal favorite (sarcasm) this one has been with me since Pops went to Jail and mom had to file bankruptcy, "there's isn't enough!"

I know better now...but it still keeps in, God good clearings at work lately....felt pretty charged and juicey all evening, past few days prior was feeling like I was already removing myself energetically a little bit from the cafe, ready for the change and the new, but there's is still some fear surrounding it of not knowing fully what I'm getting into, and I feel like my purpose there is bigger than just extras casting.....not sure what but that's the gut talking.

Been hearing ALOT of Bill withers! He is so amazing! I met his daughter who is also extremely gifted. Another ex connect. I've been haunted by a music man about a music man....haha story of my life, cause my daddy was a music man, wonder if I'm gonna marry a music man? lol NOT IF I"M NOT A GLUTTON! But my dancing hips get the better of me at times....speaking of, and we closed at work an impromtu catwalk started by accident when me and another co-worker realized we were taking the same steps in timing to the music and mirroring each other with a head bop crossing paths, we stopped for a moment and caught on and made it intentional....it was awesome, and fun! I'd encourage all of you to find your inner sassy runway model self and strut your stuff and strike a pose surrounded by windows with friends....it's liberating.

At any rate, not something to strut to but sway to....here's a few favorites....sing & groove along and share them with someone. enjoy in depth in simplicity!

http://youtu.be/tIdIqbv7SPo

http://youtu.be/HaVXfHZv50Y

http://youtu.be/g3hBYTkI-sE

singin, hummin, swayin, groovin
xo-me

Malibu Days 14

DAY 14

"Think of the one area where you find discomfort, Nicole, and that's where you ripe growth." TUT The Universe.

Well, shit! I know, but shiiiiiit, really more growing!!! haha Can't I just be a lazy flower for a season, just kinda sway around in the breeze and bask in to sun and get all the water I need without asking?!! No...oh.

Speaking of flowers! DAY OFF FINALLY! Sunny beautiful day to take in the Jasmine stars on the porch while I journaled and water the whole yard....got to connect to the roses! I LOVE ROSES! They are so AMAZING and cool. All flowers are cool. But roses actually help you raise your vibrations. STOP A SMELL THE ROSES, is a saying for a reason. What I like about them is how they are beautiful in a bunch and with different colors or just stand alone. They are strong a delicate at the same time. There peddles are soft and scented and can fall easily if they are in full bloom but they also have a strong steady stem, and torns for protection. I LOVE THEIR DUALITY and totally relate to it!

And right at that moment what was giving me discomfort was the person who didnt think of me as a rose girl but a tulip girl.....Tulip only bloom once a year, when they open they are very vibrant and brightly colored but they fall just as quickly as they shine, and don't come out of hiding for another year.....hmmmm it's interested that he picked that flower for me, because during the time he was with me i guess he only did see me shine once at my LA premiere for Leading Ladies. But those traits I would relate heavily to him with love and his heart. I tend to be the opposite in that arena. So yes, discomfort with a request for more talking possibly in person, and making the time, wondering if it's worth it or needed.

And second discomfort...extras casting, for the money, 3rd discomfort. Working through it. Moving through it. Facing it all. Here we go!!!! I guess in a way I'm going back behind the scenes and in a sense becoming that Tulip after all. 11 more days to be the rose!!!

Stop by and take a wiff
xo-me

Malibu Days 13

Adjustment day according to Lousie Hay and her numbers and colors book. Part of my hippy numerology spiritual awareness fun! Certain colors and numbers carry different vibrations. Kinda makes sense with really considering making this HUGE change of job and location, some adjustments would need to be made.

I could feel the stress creep in, the fact that I have a full plate already and there's some important things to get too before leaving! Like renewing my driver's liscense before I leave since it expires this year on my birthday which is 3 days after I leave for Atlanta. Another birthday out of town too which is weird! Last time was for my movie Leading Ladies, and that was completely magical, have been Letting Love lead me ever since!

Time for list making!!! Gratitude list and To Do list...Definitely grateful for the raise and the adventure! It seems like its really gonna happen and can and should!

A bird pooped on my chest, a tiny little orange poop that smelled like berries....good luck right??!!

Couldn't sleep at all last night after putting in 2 weeks notice so many emotions and thoughts have been taking over, especially regarding a psychic reading I got, that had a lot of changes predicted in my life and a lot of traveling. hmmmm. but she also said someone from my past was going mess with my energy and I have to protect myself from that? The ex? the old boss? was this the right choice? I have never left a job I loved before! ever!!! I met Tim Robbins at work for crying out loud!!! This place is radd! But My paycheck isn't getting me ahead. I don't want money to rule my thoughts or get into lack but my cousin was the one that put it to me best! The universe just offered to hand you $12,000.00, Are you really not gonna take it?!

WOW, I really almost was not gonna take it! Something else my psychic lady told me, Don't give away your opportunity to someone else, you tend to do that! AND I DO!!! I love TALKING UP OTHER PEOPLE, I'm good at it! But I neglect doing it for myself! Or someone will ask for a Actor and I'll pass them a Actor instead of say Yah, I'm a actor!!! Just as one example.

If you want the best reading of your life!!!
CALL HER EMAIL HER NOW! I have gone to her 3 times and she's been spot on about everything thus far!!!

Dr. Carole Carbonne!
http://www.pastlives.net/Contact.html

Do it! She'll rock your world!
xo-me

Malibu Days 11 & 12

DAY 11 & 12

From Peach cobbler to Atlanta Georgia....literally.

Before I went to work sunday I made the Peach cobbler I had been wanting to attempt. It actually gave me a really interesting view of the layers of human emotions but peeling the peaches. Peaches are so delicate and bruise easily and so are we, even if we hae armor that makes it seem like we are tough, everything we hear and see affects us in someway. Sometimes the bruise id just on the surface and some are wayyyy deep and you don't even see it at skin level.

So the next day I wake to text offering me a job for 3 times what i make now at the cafe. AHHH. Awesome, wait by when!? The 2oth??!! But I'm HOUSESITTING UNTIL THE 24th and my Bosses are in Italy until the 18th!!! This is great money but not my ideal job in the entertainment industry, it's pretty stressful, and I love my life at the cafe and the people but I do miss having some more creativity, and the tips are nice but I am just paying my bills, this job would help me buy a car!!! AHHHH. What the hell do I do???

Um, go to work! And sit with it. I mention it to a few peeps, they all say it's a great opportunity, but I'm feeling guilty cause I want to leave everything in good shape, it's already hard to cover shifts with all of us, if I leave it would be even worse, I have animals lives in my hand and seemingly no one else can take over for me, this is the type of work that used to really stress me out and turn me into a bitch, do I really want to go back? But it's a new place, new people, Ive been wanting to travel. Lordy, the crazy brain at work.

I decided when I got home to put it out there first to the friend I am housesitting for, if she has someone who can replace me and I don't have to stress anyone or force it then, it's meant to be and I go, if not then this is crazy making and the wrong thing for me!

Well I get a ton of emails back the next morning....how's this for sycronicity? My friend knows a woman in Atlanta who works in production and knows the shows I'll be working on and the guy I'd be working for happens to walk into this woman's office and tells her the whole story while she is chatting with my friend about it as well!!! what?! She talks him into pushing a few days so I can finish out my housesitting gig which technically ends the 23rd, we all discovered. And That gave me 2 weeks to the day notice to my job at the cafe. And the cherry on top.....that night a new tenant was moving into the studio downstairs where I'm housesitting and guess where she is from??? ATLANTA!!!

The universe has completely conspired into creating something!!! It's a money discussion but it's also blind faith! All those signs HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING....this feels bigger than me.

Oh, and an extra little side note. When I first started dating my ex that I was in the middle of clearing with....I had another job offer with this guy for atlanta, but it fell through, if it did happen I never would have been in that relationship....in someways that sounds GREAT, but in others I can't imagine not learning on the lessons that came from this one. It made us both peel back some skins and see the bruises, hopefully someday we'll get to the sweet, warm and fulfilling part, like the peach cobbler!

xo-me

Malibu Days 9 & 10

Day 9 & 10 in Bu:

wow, I'm going backwards to catch up on the day to day and things that were only a week ago feel like light years ago! It's a trip how that can happen eh? I'd like to think it's because I am more in the moment these days, as opposed to short term memory less or early dementia! ekkk

LOTS of processing okay, so the show NIGHT! Facing the ex. Let's just say he got a bit more sideswiped than I assumed I'd be. He didn't know I was going to be dancing so it sent him down a little tail-spin. But it prompted an email, that turned into about 8 emails and four days of us going back and forth, creating stories and assumptions about the other, defending ourselves, taking ownerships, making apologies, facing the mirror looking back at us, and finally coming to the conclusion that we both want to the same thing to be understood, appreciated and loved. either in each others lives or at a distance to be determined but at least acknowledging the greatness in each other and not feel the hurt we have both been carrying around. How we were going to get there? Was space and perhaps more communication and stopping THE PISSING CONTEST!

And with that I'm acknowledging the big beautiful Ocean View from the balcony in Malibu! Thank you ocean for our HUGE pot to piss in, drink from, get nourished by, and feed our eyes with beauty and lungs with life!! It reminds me of an expression that I heard growing up. When feeling lack, we say (at least on the east coast) "I don't have a pot to piss in?!" So dig one, find one, make one, animals don't need pots! Why do we? Imagine if we all really walked around with our pissing pots?! Wouldn't that be strange and smelly!

DAY 10

My last "clearing letter" got a response, so made that call too! And wow! It's amazing what separation mentality and negitive assumptions can create in our worlds. This was a situation that if handled with love and trust from the beginning by all parties involved could have saved us all alot of pain, frustration, and misunderstanding. I finally took my power into my own hands, owned my shit, and offered to hold space, and what I came away with was love and acceptance for someone who I have been making wrong for 9 months without even knowing them because I thought they were making me wrong! Both from stories we heard from other people or made up to fill in the gaps. We never got to meet to find out for ourselves. WOW! Talk about eye openning. This person was actually very cool and lovely and I think she was pleasantly surprised that she got the same impression from me!

I remember there was a misty morning and a foggy night in the Malibu canyons a few days ago and I wanted to pay acknowledgment to that image because it made me reflect on the idea of the unknown, like there's something just beyond what we can see, either physically or by our limited perception. I feel like my eyes have been looking through new glasses the past few years and i just got a new prescription the past few months are are even better and I wondered still what was next? I have felt on another level I came full circle with some intentions I put out there and it was a time for new vision but what?! The mist and fog was there to remind me it will be revealed in due time the fog always lifts!

Yehhh, peeing, I mean seeing more clearly!
xo-me

malibu day 7 & 8

DAY 7 & DAY 8

It's the birthday party show at the exes venue and I'm dancing! I got my outfit yesterday then went to another friends bday and broke my no food week with a kind bar earlier in the day while on errands and finally with I am fortified (veggies & quinao) as well as I am energized (greens juice) at the party. Didnt sit too well, probably could have eased into it more.

But that was yesterday, this day was a big day for me, first time seeing the ex in 2 months. I was nervous, I was nervous about being so vulnerable emotional and physically and dancing for the first time in front of a bunch of people that I work with that are my new friends. and to top it off I have no idea what to expect with myself and how I'm going to feel walking into those doors again.

Oh, and did I mention a MAJOR POOPER SCOOPER EVENT HAPPENED THIS MORNING, A clearing letter WAYYYYY over due in connection to said EX, it felt SOOOO GOOD. Like a huge weight had been lifted and I think that's why when I showed up I felt good, I felt like I had my power back, and my community around me, helped me feel safe and held, and my roomie wished me luck and my cousin came to support. I felt great!

This morning while I was journaling preparing myself for the evening, planning my out fit details, doing some more dancing & yoga, treating myself to a chai tea and a cookie, since I planned to juice the rest of the day given I'd be wearing little shorts, I heard a tractor in the distance it was clearing a path...it was kinda of loud and annoying as it was also driving the dog crazy....but then as I journaled I realized it didn't really stop and for the amount of time it took me to finish a small page I turned around and there was a big clearing, like a good size yard!!! The crows were having a field days diving and bouncing around the clearing, but I was shocked that just like that all those plants and bushes and flowers were gone? How many little creatures lost their homes or hiding place from bigger creatures like hawks and coyotes? We humans have such a capacity to destroy things and take things without any acknowledgement of the ripple effect. We are all one, with people, animals, and plants. we are all part of the same source and energy and all need each other to make this thing we call life work. And I'm so glad I get to dance to the music wizards who message speaks this out loud!

Avasa and Matty Love. Check them out! http://avasamattylove.bandcamp.com/

After we celebrated Matty's bday I got a I AM Luscious To Go with MACA....to get my Mojo going of course, and a little magic on top with the I AM MYSTICAL - a yummy lil coconut macorroon!

I was greeted by a hug and awkwardness, but A second hug as well...more on that later

When in Doubt Dance it out!
xo-me

malibu day 6 thru...

DAY 6 malibu: Day 4 juicing

Today I had an interesting thought which started with the dogs. So here is my nature connect as well. One is a yelper. which he can get a little carried away with sometimes. a bit of a diva, haha ever have one of those people in your life that just never stops talking like silence scares them? Or just really like the sound of their own voice, or gossip, or crazy make situations in their heads until they have to brain drain all over you! yep...me too, and I'm sure if we are willing to look at ourselves we can see where we may have been one or more of these Divas! haha So I came to the realization that this little dog, and all these types of people or situations that cause us aggravation or difficulty is just a lesson in unconditional love, and that is exactly what dogs represent. They could be treated like shit or like gold, you can be late walking them or feeding, you can leave them outside all the time, but they are still gonna love you the same! it's amazing! they are magnificent special creatures, and we should feel truly blessed to have them around to remind us how love worthy we are even when we can be neglectful or selfish at times!

And the other thought I had on dogs, which came from one of those difficult moments of accidents on the floor or the corner of a couch! lol I can laugh now....But walking them and how over stimulated they get with all the smells and sounds and lil creatures to chase and places to piss on territory, that often they forget it's potty time. so they is in their own house. How many of us have shit on ourselves? Figuratively speaking. Or, Have been so consumed with outside, out there, other people's shit to smell that we forget or neglect to take care of our own......oi guilty.

I'm recalling a song that went like this..."put on your shit kickers and kick some shit!" OH AND I MISS FOOD - CRASHING after soups, cheated with half a banana that I split with the parrot, and got a I am Berry sweet at work. That's pretty much a fruit smoothie, is that the same as juicing???


HAPPY POOTER SCOOPERING!
XO-ME

malibu days 5 thru.....catch up

oh boy, got some catching up to do!

DAY five BU: Day 3 Juicing

I had to get up super early for an employee meeting WITH NO COFFEE! Wow, I did it thought! Green tea, and those Naked drinks were saving my life. All I could think about during my hour between meeting and start of my shift was getting a coffee and a scone and journaling, that's like my favorite thing to do! Lord I'm so made for France! But in my journal without my coffee I discovered I had some unsolved feelings to clear with some people, interesting how coughing up phlem, juice cleansing and shedding some layers at a workshop can open up the dark side so quickly eh?

No sooner do I write but then in the flesh walks into my view my first clearing. Perfect. And the stories that were created by both of us, were talked about and released and we can move on seeing the greatness in each other without the misunderstandings sweet! it's that easy when both people are up for it!

Taurus NEW MOON: Great powerful energy in creating your wishes. especially around money, relationship, biz, jobs, new behavior, things that you have wanted for a long time are easily manifested during this moon. Thank you friends at work that shared this! Went to pick up my dancing boots for the show.....errrr at my exes venue, thats something else that's coming to be worked through. I wish that wasn't distracting me so much from getting my intentions done. but releasing it is part of new behaviors I suppose, and juicing is taking better care of my body!

Today I connected to the green mountains on my drive in to hollywood from malibu. They are gorgeous and change there radiance throughout the day depending on where the sun is, which made me think of lighting in films for some reason, light and shadow are such a huge part of how we view things, it can make things more beautiful or even scary, then you can go deeper into that on a whole spiritual/emotional level. The lighter the mood the more frivolous and fun, the darker the mood the more heavy, serious, and emotional. But just like the mountains, there's beauty and necessity for all of it!

xo-me

Malibu Days 4

Felt a lot better today. More human and connected to me body, my head however was feeling a bit loopy. So day two of juicing which means day two of no coffee. oi, today was a little tougher in that depo, just that morning habit of having something warm in my hand....ahhhh, well I'm not even gonna entertain "that drought" either. haha Anyway, got through most of the day fine with a few exceptions. Like moving a little slower than normal, had a few clearings which I wasnt really expecting, one left me hanging a bit, which I'm gonna sit with for a minute cause I'm too tired try to write an email right now. surprisingly I wasnt really feeling hungry until after my shift when I usually eat my meal so instead I got two juices, I AM ENERGIZED AND I AM WORTHY, and 2 SOUPS - Cause I'm deciding that it's okay if the soups aren't chucky. I made that up!

So i drank the soup when I got back to the Bu. It was such an amazingly gorgeous perfect day out today. And warm tonight too! The Stars in Malibu are radd! I like how if you look at the constellations you can see a white light connecting them if you really look closely. I always think of our freckles and beauty marks as our body constellations like the divines little stamp that we are all part of the same stuff and I'm sure if we look hard enough we can see that same light connecting us all.....although that thought gave me some peace my tummy is feeling a little queezy. could be adding the soup, the talk about the food, the dancing I did tonight, or the fact the I probably should eat something.....before I go downhill further, I think I should hit the hay.

Goodnight, enjoy that stars, and realize you are one!!!
xo-me

Malibu Days 3

Quickly cause I'd like to sleep...

I woke up to more crazy wind today - the freedom and breathlessness strong winds can create is pretty rad. It's like the earh is exhaling for you.

Went to day two of the workshop and was thankful feeling better. Still coughing and dealing with the nose but I really felt some of the wakenings shifted things in my body.

Terces invited me to take on juicing for a week with her club. It's amazing ASK AND IT IS GIVEN. Wasnt I just talking about wanting to take on a challenge or focus. This one is a toughy cause it's gonna take away two things I really like and think I need everyday. COFFEE & FOOD!

I battled that inner demon this morning right away, I had to pretend my Green tea was coffee. I hope green tea is excempt!!! yikes. Well this is the way I'm doing it. I happened to get some juices from whole foods at lluch break the day before so I happened to be covered. But watching others eat, makes me want to eat, even if I'm not hungry it will make me think of my options for later. this is going to be interesting.

I danced twice today. My friend was inspired to dance to a piano play in the group on our lunch break, and it inspired me to join after. weeee fun, but woah stamina needs some exercise! yes, I've been under the weather but man... got me nervous for friday. Just danced to out the 6 songs on my friends CD and felt amazing and silly all at once.

Did I mention the coyote yesterday? They symbolize magic/trickery/strategy. pretty cool eh? oh, also I went home to pay my rent check (without any fear of having the money!) and one of my plants was all wilted since I hadn't been watered in days. I brought it back with me to where I'm housesitting to nurse it and I gave it a bunch of water and sat it next to another thriving basil plant and sang to it, "come back". It's came back!!! And I dont even have a disney princeless voice BTW. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND ABUNDANT AND SUPPORTED!!! I guess I could say come back....

Yeah, I danced twice today!
Recounted my blessings, was able to enjoy the view of the ocean on my ride, gave a random stranger a dollar, got through a day without coffee, and even play a little rusty dusty guitar.

Now I rest
Be healthy, be love, be abundance!
xo-me

Malibu Days 2

DAY TWO:
So it was a rough start this morning but I decided to go to the workshop after all. Again it was a fever sweats, nose blowing, coughy night, but I'm almost glad it's hitting me so hard so fast cause I know I'm processing stuff quicker. Another thought I had ever since my friend asked me to dance at her show, my awareness of how disconnected with my physical world I have been lately. I'm eating better than ever at my new job, but not dancing or working out regularly and now I'm not even compinsating with sex...which truely makes a big a difference for me to have some physical release!

At any rate, It was mad windy outside this morning which gave me Gate trouble with walking the dogs and getting them settle before leaving, I was "running out of time" quickly. And all these voices were talking to me through this whole getting situated and ready process. You shouldnt go, maybe this is a sign to stay, you already read the book anyway if you leave the dogs inside by themselves your gonna have to clean poop etc. Anything to resist potential transformation or growth!

At this point I'm coming to turns with feeling like shit, and I'm being called to show up even if that means I show up late. I'm practicing my trust in divine timing. I also have the awareness that its the end of the month and a fear that cops are gonna be meeting their quotas so I have to be extra alert on the road especially since I'm borrowing a car. All of this is my mind and emotions before 9am mind you, and this is cliff notes!

I'm not as tuned into the beautiful drive down the coast as I'd like, or the music on the radio. what the hell is wrong with me? Thank god I dont get sick often anymore cause it's like my fairy light is out! Like there's no postive spark right now, and it's not very fun or inspiring.

I had quite a release today in our share not so much what I shared but AI think the awareness around what I shared. Cause I have been pretty open about my past and daddy drama in my upbringing. But the effect that it had on me with the story I created around money and aboundance and actually speaking that out loud in a microphone to mostly strangers and new friends through tears, when I've been playing the role of happy, welcoming, nothing's wrong in my world hostess girl full of love and open arms for hugs! Was this going to distort their image of me, or would it make me more human? Would they pitty me? or would they be glad that I'm not perfect! I've had to put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong since I was 5 years old! That's a role I mastered and probably why I'm such a good actress! "I'm okay with everything and nothing."

At first it was an act. But in recent work on myself I have come to fake it until I made it. I literally have gone from everything to scrapping by to nothing, to just enough, to more than ever but unhappy so spending it as fast as it came in, to scrapping by again, to trusting and manifesting what I needed to turn up, to getting rid of everything on purpose and releasing attachments, to starting over and having days of getting by just enough and having to ask for help or shopping at the dollar store for food to 2 months of being comfortable again, then back and forth and FINALLY I'm not prentending I'm okay anymore!!! It's not comfortable! I'm sick.."sick" of having this block that I can't get past!

Block number one. MY DAD SOLD DRUGS!! This gave me beliefs and views around money that aren't really positive such as you have to hustle to get it, You can have everything and have it ripped away, Money equals drama and violence and hurt and craziness, people are jealous of you when you have it, people use you for it, If I have it I'm spoiled and don't deserve it, if we dont have it there's stress and depression and anger, money took away my dad, money equals happiness temporarily. Which also makes it hard for me to fullfill my creative passions because I didnt get a good example for trusting that. My dad is an amazing singer songwriter, who doesnt trust that gift and made the choices he made, so there's part of me who is afraid to go after the acting 100 % as well.

Casting jobs and other cash jobs were like my drug money. Fast cash in quick spirtz but dont have to be tied down to it! I also have no idea how to put a dollar value on my worth. That seems odd to me cause what I do is show up as me, I'm the gift, the messenger, it's not like here's how much my productions cost and here's my commission, so all I ever do is accept what is offered but ultimately I'm always left feeling like I'm not getting my worth. I put 100 % in whatever I am doing until I start feeling unappreciated, then I either lash out or check out. It happens in work and relationships.

Todays workshop was a great reminder of all these things and helped me be clear about my first 2 days here and my experience. It was amazing to hear everyone shares and just have that realization that we are not alone, that we can all relate to each other on some level. There is for sure I reason I'm sick and therefore more vulnerable now, it's another round of transformation. The last few weeks I have been on top of the world, loving my job and the people I'm surrounded with but also acutely aware of the things that don't feel so hot or the people that arent playing in my sandbox anymore. But what keeps coming up obviously after writing the last blog is I'm still living with a judge in my head! THAT MAKE WRONG NAYSAYER. THE EGO. THE LACK & FEAR MENTALTY. That is what's blocking me. Yes, I am speaking more authentically and truthfully, yes I am facing fears regardless of outcome, yes I work with people who inspire me and acknowledge greatness in me everyday, yes I get to be of service and have my work in alignment witha higher purpose...but there is still clutter the clear and some excess baggage to recycle into something more useful and sustainable and non-toxic. WOAHHH. All those 13's and 23's and 555's and 888's are appearing for a reason.

I knew just hearing Matthew & Terces Take and spin on their own ideas with a community of people to contribute experience would be a powerful gift. Just to simply be reminded on gratitude, is such a great tool to have. I started shifting to the darkside A bit, which manifested from not feeling loved and supported or understood to physical illness and exhaustion. But if I didnt get run down, maybe I wouldnt have seeked some more guidence and had these revelations that I'm hoping I retain after the cold meds wear off!

DAY TWO: Abounding River Tomorrow.
Homework tonight was give some form of supply to a stranger, make a list of all forms of abundance in your life, take on a apology, notice where your making up somethings wrong....which I think I did in my Blogs, pretty exensively! The first two will have to wait until morning. Since I no longer want to create myself as sick!

Another reminder. Ask, believe, recieve - thoughts create things - the power of I AM....
I have been using the term "I'm fighting a cold" the past few days - well then I'm fighting my health right?? How about I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL - I AM (ALSO) LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND I AM LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED.

I am grateful for these opportunities to grow!
xo-me