Well, Hi! My goodness where to begin? It seems my life has been full of full circles in the past few months. What I am most present to is returning to a job situation that is so close yet so far to what I want to do.....Casting. I am creating jobs for other actors which distracts from me getting my own. It's an act of service that I love. And I have found a new talent in director that I would like to explore, but at the cost of irritation, stress, self sacrificing, distraction and burn out - So really who am I serving in that state. I am in an immediate bad mood when dealing with this part of the commercial world. Things feel out of integrity, Judgmental, and fear based controlling not at all what I have been working to be a stand for. So I made a very scary yet powerful decision to be DONE! Never again, will I be doing this job for these people. AHHHHH. Sweet freedom.
They aren't bad people, outside of working with them I adore and respect them and can even accept their imperfections but to be connected in this way just doesn't work! Its dis-empowering in ways, and I have noticed a definite pattern in every time I make forward motion with my acting one of these jobs pop up. My fear and lack mentality get the better of me thinking I NEED it. When really They NEED me, that is a major shift that I am starting to understand in own your worth in Business. I have always just taken what was being offered. How pathetic is that. But It's a lesson, this time around I was given an opportunity to stand up for myself like never before, see through the bullshit, get screwed over and state ONCE AND FOR ALL, I am done. If I don't claim my worth who else will. This is for sure for the good of all. They need a type A personality that can school there asses, and I need to follow my heart.
Which brings me to Europe. Europe for sure has my heart. I was recently brought there by the director of my last film Goetz Neumman with IN THE NIGHT. I ironically and so perfectly played a character named Jane going through a very similar work situation. This was for sure a dream come true. To work on a creative project with a higher purpose in Europe. We did they ADR and VO work in Cologne Germany, which is a sweet Beautiful place. And the icing I got a few days off the Explore Paris which has been a life long dream. I have a Love hate relationship with Paris, mostly love. Paris has it's way with you, you can't control it just like any passionate love affair.
Speaking of....my next full circle, I have been spending lots of time with my ex, it's started before I left for Europe and he was completely up my ass the whole time I was gone with I miss you's and I love you's, everything I always wanted to hear. And I'm sure I have said on more than a few occasions I was done with this situation too. But he is like a new man. Literally. The potential I saw in Him, he is allowing himself to be. And this time around I like my own reflect in him a lot more. Not to say we haven't had little bumps in the road in the past few weeks but it's was mostly past conditions and habits we had resurfacing so we could work through it in a new and healthy way. It's been Nice and I'm trying to keep myself in trust and openness to whatever it is while being true to me. We are both very career passionate and focused people and both get distracted in relationship and other obligations that take us away from our heart jobs. But we both have soooo much talent and expression to share with the world. I think we both need to learn that choosing ours first isn't a bad thing, it's actually necessary to choose EVERYONE ELSE. I can at least speak for myself at this point.
I don't need to act to serve my ego anymore As I am only interested in roles & stories that will move, inspire, and heal. Those are hard to come by. So in the meantime I choose to continue my serve at Cafe Gratitude. A place of Love, Good company, and community support and encouragement. A place your spirit and worth grows! And not too mention the really healthy amazing food. And lastly my folks. This is very personal but if we can't be transparent and truthful how are we ever really connecting....through masks. That no longer interests me.
I cut off my dad after my trip back home working on the Sandler movie, we got into a big fight I was set off to the brick of insanity a place he is mostly and a place I haven't been pushed to in years. I moved across the country to escape it and heal. But it's hard to go back and not divert backwards. He's my biggest teacher in holding a seat in LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. But sometimes there is nothing to be done but let go. So that is what I had to choose, I couldn't listen to more lies, or grandiosity, bitterness, or regret any longer. I was done. Especially with the delusion most of all. I explained it all in a letter. He read it was able to understand some of it but not all. My mother was making strides with herself removing herself form the insanity and chaos as well. She was becoming more positive and self loving. Until around thanksgiving. She picked him up from some other crazy persons house and brought him to an out patient center that specializes in mental/emotional ailments. I have been asking him to get help for years, and this time demanded it if he ever wanted his daughter back. well they finally did it and apparently it saved his life. My dad had a stroke 20 years ago and was put on the wrong medication to balance his brain not to mention the continued prescriptions that I'm sure don't mix well for high blood pressure anxiety pain etc...you name it, they can "medicate it" My mom has fallen victim to her own version of this too. But This was actually making my dad's brain deteriorate his frontal lobe. Which low and behold, affect communication, rationality and personality, and oddly enough an injury another dear friend recently endured and is starting to recover from.
Well my dad no sooner checks out and comes home for Thanksgiving almost a new man and my mom goes in a week later. She tried to quick her meds cold turkey and it sent her into a tailspin. I spoke with her today and she sounds good she's coming home tomorrow. Times like these it's hard to be so far away, and times like these it's probably the best thing for my heart. another irony....the day my mom checked in was the day that a cried my face off at an audition playing a mother just diagnosed with an un-treatable disease. Weird. We are all so closely connected and fuel for each other.
Well That's the swell I have been surfing. I'm finding more loving healthy detachment from it all. As in not falling in the rabbit hole behind. I trust with every obstacle and seemed roadblock hurt and disappointment, we are being giving a chance to clear what no longer serves and come out better. My parents can have a second chance at health if they choose it, I can follow my heart if I choose. We all have a choice to make ourselves happy. Keeping ourselves truthful and healthy, mentally, spiritually, emotional, and physically in a huge part of it.
You can't save the world until you save yourself!
Much Love!
xo-Me
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Malibu Days 16
May 14th, my best guy friend in high schools bday. He made me tougher, he gave me my first lessons as a therapist and he challenged me at every turn, nutured my rebellion, and but would protect me to the death. He's someone I can always count on and I don't acknowledge him enough. He loves me even when I piss him off by not calling him back and his relentlessness will eventually meet an opportune moment for me to catch up with him. He's one of those friends that no matter how much time goes by we'll be exactly where we left off, not in life but in our connection. I love those relationships, I have a few of them, and I'm so grateful for them. Because life happens, we grow in and away from each other but if we can always go back and always be unconditional with that fine line of attachment and detachment I think you have something really honoring and special with that person.
Happy birthday to my brutha from another mutha!
Then there's the other significant man in my life who seems to be an attachment from other life times at this point with what we are teaching each other as mirrors. The TALK, The talk was decided to be on the phone. on my way into work...we got a lot covered but still felt incomplete and a bit icky when I got there, so another round! Oi. It sometimes seems never ending, haha and maybe it's not meant to be, but in the past it was a lot easier to just cut someone out of my life for years or if not ever! so a to be continued on the never ending clearing....
And the 3rd significant man these days, my earth angel, show ups for some grub and a hug, just another reminder my life is still in total alignment, I'm not sure why I created him in this role for me, and why the universe offered this magnet energy to bring us to the same place at the same time, but he completely shows up when needed....kinda like Nanny Mcfee, "When you need me but do not want me I must stay, when you want me but no longer need me, I must go!" there's a pill to swallow eh? I have served as nanny a few times myself!
At any rate, i want to acknowledge natures little gifts thats she leaves us as keepsakes...shells, nuts, flowers, feathers....a lot of girls at work wear feathers in their hair and on earring, Lizzy one of the waitresses makes them. I LOVE THEM, SHE IS AMAZING!, even a few guys that come in have particated in honoring the air and our winged friends. I'm an air sign so it's a no brain attraction for me. There's little gems in each one of these men that I can take away with me, along with anyone else I have encountered or connected with. If we take them time to look, we all have gems, and gifts and trinkets inside waiting to be discovered and cherished like a treasure box.
treat yourself to some beauty and magic and cock feathers...i mean rooster.
www.adornyourselfgoddess.com
I have been told I have quite the pirate BOOTY myself! hehehe
xo-me
Happy birthday to my brutha from another mutha!
Then there's the other significant man in my life who seems to be an attachment from other life times at this point with what we are teaching each other as mirrors. The TALK, The talk was decided to be on the phone. on my way into work...we got a lot covered but still felt incomplete and a bit icky when I got there, so another round! Oi. It sometimes seems never ending, haha and maybe it's not meant to be, but in the past it was a lot easier to just cut someone out of my life for years or if not ever! so a to be continued on the never ending clearing....
And the 3rd significant man these days, my earth angel, show ups for some grub and a hug, just another reminder my life is still in total alignment, I'm not sure why I created him in this role for me, and why the universe offered this magnet energy to bring us to the same place at the same time, but he completely shows up when needed....kinda like Nanny Mcfee, "When you need me but do not want me I must stay, when you want me but no longer need me, I must go!" there's a pill to swallow eh? I have served as nanny a few times myself!
At any rate, i want to acknowledge natures little gifts thats she leaves us as keepsakes...shells, nuts, flowers, feathers....a lot of girls at work wear feathers in their hair and on earring, Lizzy one of the waitresses makes them. I LOVE THEM, SHE IS AMAZING!, even a few guys that come in have particated in honoring the air and our winged friends. I'm an air sign so it's a no brain attraction for me. There's little gems in each one of these men that I can take away with me, along with anyone else I have encountered or connected with. If we take them time to look, we all have gems, and gifts and trinkets inside waiting to be discovered and cherished like a treasure box.
treat yourself to some beauty and magic and cock feathers...i mean rooster.
www.adornyourselfgoddess.com
I have been told I have quite the pirate BOOTY myself! hehehe
xo-me
Malibu Days 15
Oooh, Friday the 13th!
Took all day to research DMV stuff I have to figure out how to renew my license before I leave and try to get an appointment but can't get appointment until I can get a day off!!! There's the rub.
Hmmmm. in the story of Lack of Time, That's a story the ex would use a lot, also my own personal favorite (sarcasm) this one has been with me since Pops went to Jail and mom had to file bankruptcy, "there's isn't enough!"
I know better now...but it still keeps in, God good clearings at work lately....felt pretty charged and juicey all evening, past few days prior was feeling like I was already removing myself energetically a little bit from the cafe, ready for the change and the new, but there's is still some fear surrounding it of not knowing fully what I'm getting into, and I feel like my purpose there is bigger than just extras casting.....not sure what but that's the gut talking.
Been hearing ALOT of Bill withers! He is so amazing! I met his daughter who is also extremely gifted. Another ex connect. I've been haunted by a music man about a music man....haha story of my life, cause my daddy was a music man, wonder if I'm gonna marry a music man? lol NOT IF I"M NOT A GLUTTON! But my dancing hips get the better of me at times....speaking of, and we closed at work an impromtu catwalk started by accident when me and another co-worker realized we were taking the same steps in timing to the music and mirroring each other with a head bop crossing paths, we stopped for a moment and caught on and made it intentional....it was awesome, and fun! I'd encourage all of you to find your inner sassy runway model self and strut your stuff and strike a pose surrounded by windows with friends....it's liberating.
At any rate, not something to strut to but sway to....here's a few favorites....sing & groove along and share them with someone. enjoy in depth in simplicity!
http://youtu.be/tIdIqbv7SPo
http://youtu.be/HaVXfHZv50Y
http://youtu.be/g3hBYTkI-sE
singin, hummin, swayin, groovin
xo-me
Took all day to research DMV stuff I have to figure out how to renew my license before I leave and try to get an appointment but can't get appointment until I can get a day off!!! There's the rub.
Hmmmm. in the story of Lack of Time, That's a story the ex would use a lot, also my own personal favorite (sarcasm) this one has been with me since Pops went to Jail and mom had to file bankruptcy, "there's isn't enough!"
I know better now...but it still keeps in, God good clearings at work lately....felt pretty charged and juicey all evening, past few days prior was feeling like I was already removing myself energetically a little bit from the cafe, ready for the change and the new, but there's is still some fear surrounding it of not knowing fully what I'm getting into, and I feel like my purpose there is bigger than just extras casting.....not sure what but that's the gut talking.
Been hearing ALOT of Bill withers! He is so amazing! I met his daughter who is also extremely gifted. Another ex connect. I've been haunted by a music man about a music man....haha story of my life, cause my daddy was a music man, wonder if I'm gonna marry a music man? lol NOT IF I"M NOT A GLUTTON! But my dancing hips get the better of me at times....speaking of, and we closed at work an impromtu catwalk started by accident when me and another co-worker realized we were taking the same steps in timing to the music and mirroring each other with a head bop crossing paths, we stopped for a moment and caught on and made it intentional....it was awesome, and fun! I'd encourage all of you to find your inner sassy runway model self and strut your stuff and strike a pose surrounded by windows with friends....it's liberating.
At any rate, not something to strut to but sway to....here's a few favorites....sing & groove along and share them with someone. enjoy in depth in simplicity!
http://youtu.be/tIdIqbv7SPo
http://youtu.be/HaVXfHZv50Y
http://youtu.be/g3hBYTkI-sE
singin, hummin, swayin, groovin
xo-me
Malibu Days 14
DAY 14
"Think of the one area where you find discomfort, Nicole, and that's where you ripe growth." TUT The Universe.
Well, shit! I know, but shiiiiiit, really more growing!!! haha Can't I just be a lazy flower for a season, just kinda sway around in the breeze and bask in to sun and get all the water I need without asking?!! No...oh.
Speaking of flowers! DAY OFF FINALLY! Sunny beautiful day to take in the Jasmine stars on the porch while I journaled and water the whole yard....got to connect to the roses! I LOVE ROSES! They are so AMAZING and cool. All flowers are cool. But roses actually help you raise your vibrations. STOP A SMELL THE ROSES, is a saying for a reason. What I like about them is how they are beautiful in a bunch and with different colors or just stand alone. They are strong a delicate at the same time. There peddles are soft and scented and can fall easily if they are in full bloom but they also have a strong steady stem, and torns for protection. I LOVE THEIR DUALITY and totally relate to it!
And right at that moment what was giving me discomfort was the person who didnt think of me as a rose girl but a tulip girl.....Tulip only bloom once a year, when they open they are very vibrant and brightly colored but they fall just as quickly as they shine, and don't come out of hiding for another year.....hmmmm it's interested that he picked that flower for me, because during the time he was with me i guess he only did see me shine once at my LA premiere for Leading Ladies. But those traits I would relate heavily to him with love and his heart. I tend to be the opposite in that arena. So yes, discomfort with a request for more talking possibly in person, and making the time, wondering if it's worth it or needed.
And second discomfort...extras casting, for the money, 3rd discomfort. Working through it. Moving through it. Facing it all. Here we go!!!! I guess in a way I'm going back behind the scenes and in a sense becoming that Tulip after all. 11 more days to be the rose!!!
Stop by and take a wiff
xo-me
"Think of the one area where you find discomfort, Nicole, and that's where you ripe growth." TUT The Universe.
Well, shit! I know, but shiiiiiit, really more growing!!! haha Can't I just be a lazy flower for a season, just kinda sway around in the breeze and bask in to sun and get all the water I need without asking?!! No...oh.
Speaking of flowers! DAY OFF FINALLY! Sunny beautiful day to take in the Jasmine stars on the porch while I journaled and water the whole yard....got to connect to the roses! I LOVE ROSES! They are so AMAZING and cool. All flowers are cool. But roses actually help you raise your vibrations. STOP A SMELL THE ROSES, is a saying for a reason. What I like about them is how they are beautiful in a bunch and with different colors or just stand alone. They are strong a delicate at the same time. There peddles are soft and scented and can fall easily if they are in full bloom but they also have a strong steady stem, and torns for protection. I LOVE THEIR DUALITY and totally relate to it!
And right at that moment what was giving me discomfort was the person who didnt think of me as a rose girl but a tulip girl.....Tulip only bloom once a year, when they open they are very vibrant and brightly colored but they fall just as quickly as they shine, and don't come out of hiding for another year.....hmmmm it's interested that he picked that flower for me, because during the time he was with me i guess he only did see me shine once at my LA premiere for Leading Ladies. But those traits I would relate heavily to him with love and his heart. I tend to be the opposite in that arena. So yes, discomfort with a request for more talking possibly in person, and making the time, wondering if it's worth it or needed.
And second discomfort...extras casting, for the money, 3rd discomfort. Working through it. Moving through it. Facing it all. Here we go!!!! I guess in a way I'm going back behind the scenes and in a sense becoming that Tulip after all. 11 more days to be the rose!!!
Stop by and take a wiff
xo-me
Malibu Days 13
Adjustment day according to Lousie Hay and her numbers and colors book. Part of my hippy numerology spiritual awareness fun! Certain colors and numbers carry different vibrations. Kinda makes sense with really considering making this HUGE change of job and location, some adjustments would need to be made.
I could feel the stress creep in, the fact that I have a full plate already and there's some important things to get too before leaving! Like renewing my driver's liscense before I leave since it expires this year on my birthday which is 3 days after I leave for Atlanta. Another birthday out of town too which is weird! Last time was for my movie Leading Ladies, and that was completely magical, have been Letting Love lead me ever since!
Time for list making!!! Gratitude list and To Do list...Definitely grateful for the raise and the adventure! It seems like its really gonna happen and can and should!
A bird pooped on my chest, a tiny little orange poop that smelled like berries....good luck right??!!
Couldn't sleep at all last night after putting in 2 weeks notice so many emotions and thoughts have been taking over, especially regarding a psychic reading I got, that had a lot of changes predicted in my life and a lot of traveling. hmmmm. but she also said someone from my past was going mess with my energy and I have to protect myself from that? The ex? the old boss? was this the right choice? I have never left a job I loved before! ever!!! I met Tim Robbins at work for crying out loud!!! This place is radd! But My paycheck isn't getting me ahead. I don't want money to rule my thoughts or get into lack but my cousin was the one that put it to me best! The universe just offered to hand you $12,000.00, Are you really not gonna take it?!
WOW, I really almost was not gonna take it! Something else my psychic lady told me, Don't give away your opportunity to someone else, you tend to do that! AND I DO!!! I love TALKING UP OTHER PEOPLE, I'm good at it! But I neglect doing it for myself! Or someone will ask for a Actor and I'll pass them a Actor instead of say Yah, I'm a actor!!! Just as one example.
If you want the best reading of your life!!!
CALL HER EMAIL HER NOW! I have gone to her 3 times and she's been spot on about everything thus far!!!
Dr. Carole Carbonne!
http://www.pastlives.net/Contact.html
Do it! She'll rock your world!
xo-me
I could feel the stress creep in, the fact that I have a full plate already and there's some important things to get too before leaving! Like renewing my driver's liscense before I leave since it expires this year on my birthday which is 3 days after I leave for Atlanta. Another birthday out of town too which is weird! Last time was for my movie Leading Ladies, and that was completely magical, have been Letting Love lead me ever since!
Time for list making!!! Gratitude list and To Do list...Definitely grateful for the raise and the adventure! It seems like its really gonna happen and can and should!
A bird pooped on my chest, a tiny little orange poop that smelled like berries....good luck right??!!
Couldn't sleep at all last night after putting in 2 weeks notice so many emotions and thoughts have been taking over, especially regarding a psychic reading I got, that had a lot of changes predicted in my life and a lot of traveling. hmmmm. but she also said someone from my past was going mess with my energy and I have to protect myself from that? The ex? the old boss? was this the right choice? I have never left a job I loved before! ever!!! I met Tim Robbins at work for crying out loud!!! This place is radd! But My paycheck isn't getting me ahead. I don't want money to rule my thoughts or get into lack but my cousin was the one that put it to me best! The universe just offered to hand you $12,000.00, Are you really not gonna take it?!
WOW, I really almost was not gonna take it! Something else my psychic lady told me, Don't give away your opportunity to someone else, you tend to do that! AND I DO!!! I love TALKING UP OTHER PEOPLE, I'm good at it! But I neglect doing it for myself! Or someone will ask for a Actor and I'll pass them a Actor instead of say Yah, I'm a actor!!! Just as one example.
If you want the best reading of your life!!!
CALL HER EMAIL HER NOW! I have gone to her 3 times and she's been spot on about everything thus far!!!
Dr. Carole Carbonne!
http://www.pastlives.net/Contact.html
Do it! She'll rock your world!
xo-me
Monday, May 9, 2011
Malibu Days 11 & 12
DAY 11 & 12
From Peach cobbler to Atlanta Georgia....literally.
Before I went to work sunday I made the Peach cobbler I had been wanting to attempt. It actually gave me a really interesting view of the layers of human emotions but peeling the peaches. Peaches are so delicate and bruise easily and so are we, even if we hae armor that makes it seem like we are tough, everything we hear and see affects us in someway. Sometimes the bruise id just on the surface and some are wayyyy deep and you don't even see it at skin level.
So the next day I wake to text offering me a job for 3 times what i make now at the cafe. AHHH. Awesome, wait by when!? The 2oth??!! But I'm HOUSESITTING UNTIL THE 24th and my Bosses are in Italy until the 18th!!! This is great money but not my ideal job in the entertainment industry, it's pretty stressful, and I love my life at the cafe and the people but I do miss having some more creativity, and the tips are nice but I am just paying my bills, this job would help me buy a car!!! AHHHH. What the hell do I do???
Um, go to work! And sit with it. I mention it to a few peeps, they all say it's a great opportunity, but I'm feeling guilty cause I want to leave everything in good shape, it's already hard to cover shifts with all of us, if I leave it would be even worse, I have animals lives in my hand and seemingly no one else can take over for me, this is the type of work that used to really stress me out and turn me into a bitch, do I really want to go back? But it's a new place, new people, Ive been wanting to travel. Lordy, the crazy brain at work.
I decided when I got home to put it out there first to the friend I am housesitting for, if she has someone who can replace me and I don't have to stress anyone or force it then, it's meant to be and I go, if not then this is crazy making and the wrong thing for me!
Well I get a ton of emails back the next morning....how's this for sycronicity? My friend knows a woman in Atlanta who works in production and knows the shows I'll be working on and the guy I'd be working for happens to walk into this woman's office and tells her the whole story while she is chatting with my friend about it as well!!! what?! She talks him into pushing a few days so I can finish out my housesitting gig which technically ends the 23rd, we all discovered. And That gave me 2 weeks to the day notice to my job at the cafe. And the cherry on top.....that night a new tenant was moving into the studio downstairs where I'm housesitting and guess where she is from??? ATLANTA!!!
The universe has completely conspired into creating something!!! It's a money discussion but it's also blind faith! All those signs HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING....this feels bigger than me.
Oh, and an extra little side note. When I first started dating my ex that I was in the middle of clearing with....I had another job offer with this guy for atlanta, but it fell through, if it did happen I never would have been in that relationship....in someways that sounds GREAT, but in others I can't imagine not learning on the lessons that came from this one. It made us both peel back some skins and see the bruises, hopefully someday we'll get to the sweet, warm and fulfilling part, like the peach cobbler!
xo-me
From Peach cobbler to Atlanta Georgia....literally.
Before I went to work sunday I made the Peach cobbler I had been wanting to attempt. It actually gave me a really interesting view of the layers of human emotions but peeling the peaches. Peaches are so delicate and bruise easily and so are we, even if we hae armor that makes it seem like we are tough, everything we hear and see affects us in someway. Sometimes the bruise id just on the surface and some are wayyyy deep and you don't even see it at skin level.
So the next day I wake to text offering me a job for 3 times what i make now at the cafe. AHHH. Awesome, wait by when!? The 2oth??!! But I'm HOUSESITTING UNTIL THE 24th and my Bosses are in Italy until the 18th!!! This is great money but not my ideal job in the entertainment industry, it's pretty stressful, and I love my life at the cafe and the people but I do miss having some more creativity, and the tips are nice but I am just paying my bills, this job would help me buy a car!!! AHHHH. What the hell do I do???
Um, go to work! And sit with it. I mention it to a few peeps, they all say it's a great opportunity, but I'm feeling guilty cause I want to leave everything in good shape, it's already hard to cover shifts with all of us, if I leave it would be even worse, I have animals lives in my hand and seemingly no one else can take over for me, this is the type of work that used to really stress me out and turn me into a bitch, do I really want to go back? But it's a new place, new people, Ive been wanting to travel. Lordy, the crazy brain at work.
I decided when I got home to put it out there first to the friend I am housesitting for, if she has someone who can replace me and I don't have to stress anyone or force it then, it's meant to be and I go, if not then this is crazy making and the wrong thing for me!
Well I get a ton of emails back the next morning....how's this for sycronicity? My friend knows a woman in Atlanta who works in production and knows the shows I'll be working on and the guy I'd be working for happens to walk into this woman's office and tells her the whole story while she is chatting with my friend about it as well!!! what?! She talks him into pushing a few days so I can finish out my housesitting gig which technically ends the 23rd, we all discovered. And That gave me 2 weeks to the day notice to my job at the cafe. And the cherry on top.....that night a new tenant was moving into the studio downstairs where I'm housesitting and guess where she is from??? ATLANTA!!!
The universe has completely conspired into creating something!!! It's a money discussion but it's also blind faith! All those signs HAVE TO MEAN SOMETHING....this feels bigger than me.
Oh, and an extra little side note. When I first started dating my ex that I was in the middle of clearing with....I had another job offer with this guy for atlanta, but it fell through, if it did happen I never would have been in that relationship....in someways that sounds GREAT, but in others I can't imagine not learning on the lessons that came from this one. It made us both peel back some skins and see the bruises, hopefully someday we'll get to the sweet, warm and fulfilling part, like the peach cobbler!
xo-me
Malibu Days 9 & 10
Day 9 & 10 in Bu:
wow, I'm going backwards to catch up on the day to day and things that were only a week ago feel like light years ago! It's a trip how that can happen eh? I'd like to think it's because I am more in the moment these days, as opposed to short term memory less or early dementia! ekkk
LOTS of processing okay, so the show NIGHT! Facing the ex. Let's just say he got a bit more sideswiped than I assumed I'd be. He didn't know I was going to be dancing so it sent him down a little tail-spin. But it prompted an email, that turned into about 8 emails and four days of us going back and forth, creating stories and assumptions about the other, defending ourselves, taking ownerships, making apologies, facing the mirror looking back at us, and finally coming to the conclusion that we both want to the same thing to be understood, appreciated and loved. either in each others lives or at a distance to be determined but at least acknowledging the greatness in each other and not feel the hurt we have both been carrying around. How we were going to get there? Was space and perhaps more communication and stopping THE PISSING CONTEST!
And with that I'm acknowledging the big beautiful Ocean View from the balcony in Malibu! Thank you ocean for our HUGE pot to piss in, drink from, get nourished by, and feed our eyes with beauty and lungs with life!! It reminds me of an expression that I heard growing up. When feeling lack, we say (at least on the east coast) "I don't have a pot to piss in?!" So dig one, find one, make one, animals don't need pots! Why do we? Imagine if we all really walked around with our pissing pots?! Wouldn't that be strange and smelly!
DAY 10
My last "clearing letter" got a response, so made that call too! And wow! It's amazing what separation mentality and negitive assumptions can create in our worlds. This was a situation that if handled with love and trust from the beginning by all parties involved could have saved us all alot of pain, frustration, and misunderstanding. I finally took my power into my own hands, owned my shit, and offered to hold space, and what I came away with was love and acceptance for someone who I have been making wrong for 9 months without even knowing them because I thought they were making me wrong! Both from stories we heard from other people or made up to fill in the gaps. We never got to meet to find out for ourselves. WOW! Talk about eye openning. This person was actually very cool and lovely and I think she was pleasantly surprised that she got the same impression from me!
I remember there was a misty morning and a foggy night in the Malibu canyons a few days ago and I wanted to pay acknowledgment to that image because it made me reflect on the idea of the unknown, like there's something just beyond what we can see, either physically or by our limited perception. I feel like my eyes have been looking through new glasses the past few years and i just got a new prescription the past few months are are even better and I wondered still what was next? I have felt on another level I came full circle with some intentions I put out there and it was a time for new vision but what?! The mist and fog was there to remind me it will be revealed in due time the fog always lifts!
Yehhh, peeing, I mean seeing more clearly!
xo-me
wow, I'm going backwards to catch up on the day to day and things that were only a week ago feel like light years ago! It's a trip how that can happen eh? I'd like to think it's because I am more in the moment these days, as opposed to short term memory less or early dementia! ekkk
LOTS of processing okay, so the show NIGHT! Facing the ex. Let's just say he got a bit more sideswiped than I assumed I'd be. He didn't know I was going to be dancing so it sent him down a little tail-spin. But it prompted an email, that turned into about 8 emails and four days of us going back and forth, creating stories and assumptions about the other, defending ourselves, taking ownerships, making apologies, facing the mirror looking back at us, and finally coming to the conclusion that we both want to the same thing to be understood, appreciated and loved. either in each others lives or at a distance to be determined but at least acknowledging the greatness in each other and not feel the hurt we have both been carrying around. How we were going to get there? Was space and perhaps more communication and stopping THE PISSING CONTEST!
And with that I'm acknowledging the big beautiful Ocean View from the balcony in Malibu! Thank you ocean for our HUGE pot to piss in, drink from, get nourished by, and feed our eyes with beauty and lungs with life!! It reminds me of an expression that I heard growing up. When feeling lack, we say (at least on the east coast) "I don't have a pot to piss in?!" So dig one, find one, make one, animals don't need pots! Why do we? Imagine if we all really walked around with our pissing pots?! Wouldn't that be strange and smelly!
DAY 10
My last "clearing letter" got a response, so made that call too! And wow! It's amazing what separation mentality and negitive assumptions can create in our worlds. This was a situation that if handled with love and trust from the beginning by all parties involved could have saved us all alot of pain, frustration, and misunderstanding. I finally took my power into my own hands, owned my shit, and offered to hold space, and what I came away with was love and acceptance for someone who I have been making wrong for 9 months without even knowing them because I thought they were making me wrong! Both from stories we heard from other people or made up to fill in the gaps. We never got to meet to find out for ourselves. WOW! Talk about eye openning. This person was actually very cool and lovely and I think she was pleasantly surprised that she got the same impression from me!
I remember there was a misty morning and a foggy night in the Malibu canyons a few days ago and I wanted to pay acknowledgment to that image because it made me reflect on the idea of the unknown, like there's something just beyond what we can see, either physically or by our limited perception. I feel like my eyes have been looking through new glasses the past few years and i just got a new prescription the past few months are are even better and I wondered still what was next? I have felt on another level I came full circle with some intentions I put out there and it was a time for new vision but what?! The mist and fog was there to remind me it will be revealed in due time the fog always lifts!
Yehhh, peeing, I mean seeing more clearly!
xo-me
Sunday, May 8, 2011
malibu day 7 & 8
DAY 7 & DAY 8
It's the birthday party show at the exes venue and I'm dancing! I got my outfit yesterday then went to another friends bday and broke my no food week with a kind bar earlier in the day while on errands and finally with I am fortified (veggies & quinao) as well as I am energized (greens juice) at the party. Didnt sit too well, probably could have eased into it more.
But that was yesterday, this day was a big day for me, first time seeing the ex in 2 months. I was nervous, I was nervous about being so vulnerable emotional and physically and dancing for the first time in front of a bunch of people that I work with that are my new friends. and to top it off I have no idea what to expect with myself and how I'm going to feel walking into those doors again.
Oh, and did I mention a MAJOR POOPER SCOOPER EVENT HAPPENED THIS MORNING, A clearing letter WAYYYYY over due in connection to said EX, it felt SOOOO GOOD. Like a huge weight had been lifted and I think that's why when I showed up I felt good, I felt like I had my power back, and my community around me, helped me feel safe and held, and my roomie wished me luck and my cousin came to support. I felt great!
This morning while I was journaling preparing myself for the evening, planning my out fit details, doing some more dancing & yoga, treating myself to a chai tea and a cookie, since I planned to juice the rest of the day given I'd be wearing little shorts, I heard a tractor in the distance it was clearing a path...it was kinda of loud and annoying as it was also driving the dog crazy....but then as I journaled I realized it didn't really stop and for the amount of time it took me to finish a small page I turned around and there was a big clearing, like a good size yard!!! The crows were having a field days diving and bouncing around the clearing, but I was shocked that just like that all those plants and bushes and flowers were gone? How many little creatures lost their homes or hiding place from bigger creatures like hawks and coyotes? We humans have such a capacity to destroy things and take things without any acknowledgement of the ripple effect. We are all one, with people, animals, and plants. we are all part of the same source and energy and all need each other to make this thing we call life work. And I'm so glad I get to dance to the music wizards who message speaks this out loud!
Avasa and Matty Love. Check them out! http://avasamattylove.bandcamp.com/
After we celebrated Matty's bday I got a I AM Luscious To Go with MACA....to get my Mojo going of course, and a little magic on top with the I AM MYSTICAL - a yummy lil coconut macorroon!
I was greeted by a hug and awkwardness, but A second hug as well...more on that later
When in Doubt Dance it out!
xo-me
It's the birthday party show at the exes venue and I'm dancing! I got my outfit yesterday then went to another friends bday and broke my no food week with a kind bar earlier in the day while on errands and finally with I am fortified (veggies & quinao) as well as I am energized (greens juice) at the party. Didnt sit too well, probably could have eased into it more.
But that was yesterday, this day was a big day for me, first time seeing the ex in 2 months. I was nervous, I was nervous about being so vulnerable emotional and physically and dancing for the first time in front of a bunch of people that I work with that are my new friends. and to top it off I have no idea what to expect with myself and how I'm going to feel walking into those doors again.
Oh, and did I mention a MAJOR POOPER SCOOPER EVENT HAPPENED THIS MORNING, A clearing letter WAYYYYY over due in connection to said EX, it felt SOOOO GOOD. Like a huge weight had been lifted and I think that's why when I showed up I felt good, I felt like I had my power back, and my community around me, helped me feel safe and held, and my roomie wished me luck and my cousin came to support. I felt great!
This morning while I was journaling preparing myself for the evening, planning my out fit details, doing some more dancing & yoga, treating myself to a chai tea and a cookie, since I planned to juice the rest of the day given I'd be wearing little shorts, I heard a tractor in the distance it was clearing a path...it was kinda of loud and annoying as it was also driving the dog crazy....but then as I journaled I realized it didn't really stop and for the amount of time it took me to finish a small page I turned around and there was a big clearing, like a good size yard!!! The crows were having a field days diving and bouncing around the clearing, but I was shocked that just like that all those plants and bushes and flowers were gone? How many little creatures lost their homes or hiding place from bigger creatures like hawks and coyotes? We humans have such a capacity to destroy things and take things without any acknowledgement of the ripple effect. We are all one, with people, animals, and plants. we are all part of the same source and energy and all need each other to make this thing we call life work. And I'm so glad I get to dance to the music wizards who message speaks this out loud!
Avasa and Matty Love. Check them out! http://avasamattylove.bandcamp.com/
After we celebrated Matty's bday I got a I AM Luscious To Go with MACA....to get my Mojo going of course, and a little magic on top with the I AM MYSTICAL - a yummy lil coconut macorroon!
I was greeted by a hug and awkwardness, but A second hug as well...more on that later
When in Doubt Dance it out!
xo-me
malibu day 6 thru...
DAY 6 malibu: Day 4 juicing
Today I had an interesting thought which started with the dogs. So here is my nature connect as well. One is a yelper. which he can get a little carried away with sometimes. a bit of a diva, haha ever have one of those people in your life that just never stops talking like silence scares them? Or just really like the sound of their own voice, or gossip, or crazy make situations in their heads until they have to brain drain all over you! yep...me too, and I'm sure if we are willing to look at ourselves we can see where we may have been one or more of these Divas! haha So I came to the realization that this little dog, and all these types of people or situations that cause us aggravation or difficulty is just a lesson in unconditional love, and that is exactly what dogs represent. They could be treated like shit or like gold, you can be late walking them or feeding, you can leave them outside all the time, but they are still gonna love you the same! it's amazing! they are magnificent special creatures, and we should feel truly blessed to have them around to remind us how love worthy we are even when we can be neglectful or selfish at times!
And the other thought I had on dogs, which came from one of those difficult moments of accidents on the floor or the corner of a couch! lol I can laugh now....But walking them and how over stimulated they get with all the smells and sounds and lil creatures to chase and places to piss on territory, that often they forget it's potty time. so they is in their own house. How many of us have shit on ourselves? Figuratively speaking. Or, Have been so consumed with outside, out there, other people's shit to smell that we forget or neglect to take care of our own......oi guilty.
I'm recalling a song that went like this..."put on your shit kickers and kick some shit!" OH AND I MISS FOOD - CRASHING after soups, cheated with half a banana that I split with the parrot, and got a I am Berry sweet at work. That's pretty much a fruit smoothie, is that the same as juicing???
HAPPY POOTER SCOOPERING!
XO-ME
Today I had an interesting thought which started with the dogs. So here is my nature connect as well. One is a yelper. which he can get a little carried away with sometimes. a bit of a diva, haha ever have one of those people in your life that just never stops talking like silence scares them? Or just really like the sound of their own voice, or gossip, or crazy make situations in their heads until they have to brain drain all over you! yep...me too, and I'm sure if we are willing to look at ourselves we can see where we may have been one or more of these Divas! haha So I came to the realization that this little dog, and all these types of people or situations that cause us aggravation or difficulty is just a lesson in unconditional love, and that is exactly what dogs represent. They could be treated like shit or like gold, you can be late walking them or feeding, you can leave them outside all the time, but they are still gonna love you the same! it's amazing! they are magnificent special creatures, and we should feel truly blessed to have them around to remind us how love worthy we are even when we can be neglectful or selfish at times!
And the other thought I had on dogs, which came from one of those difficult moments of accidents on the floor or the corner of a couch! lol I can laugh now....But walking them and how over stimulated they get with all the smells and sounds and lil creatures to chase and places to piss on territory, that often they forget it's potty time. so they is in their own house. How many of us have shit on ourselves? Figuratively speaking. Or, Have been so consumed with outside, out there, other people's shit to smell that we forget or neglect to take care of our own......oi guilty.
I'm recalling a song that went like this..."put on your shit kickers and kick some shit!" OH AND I MISS FOOD - CRASHING after soups, cheated with half a banana that I split with the parrot, and got a I am Berry sweet at work. That's pretty much a fruit smoothie, is that the same as juicing???
HAPPY POOTER SCOOPERING!
XO-ME
malibu days 5 thru.....catch up
oh boy, got some catching up to do!
DAY five BU: Day 3 Juicing
I had to get up super early for an employee meeting WITH NO COFFEE! Wow, I did it thought! Green tea, and those Naked drinks were saving my life. All I could think about during my hour between meeting and start of my shift was getting a coffee and a scone and journaling, that's like my favorite thing to do! Lord I'm so made for France! But in my journal without my coffee I discovered I had some unsolved feelings to clear with some people, interesting how coughing up phlem, juice cleansing and shedding some layers at a workshop can open up the dark side so quickly eh?
No sooner do I write but then in the flesh walks into my view my first clearing. Perfect. And the stories that were created by both of us, were talked about and released and we can move on seeing the greatness in each other without the misunderstandings sweet! it's that easy when both people are up for it!
Taurus NEW MOON: Great powerful energy in creating your wishes. especially around money, relationship, biz, jobs, new behavior, things that you have wanted for a long time are easily manifested during this moon. Thank you friends at work that shared this! Went to pick up my dancing boots for the show.....errrr at my exes venue, thats something else that's coming to be worked through. I wish that wasn't distracting me so much from getting my intentions done. but releasing it is part of new behaviors I suppose, and juicing is taking better care of my body!
Today I connected to the green mountains on my drive in to hollywood from malibu. They are gorgeous and change there radiance throughout the day depending on where the sun is, which made me think of lighting in films for some reason, light and shadow are such a huge part of how we view things, it can make things more beautiful or even scary, then you can go deeper into that on a whole spiritual/emotional level. The lighter the mood the more frivolous and fun, the darker the mood the more heavy, serious, and emotional. But just like the mountains, there's beauty and necessity for all of it!
xo-me
DAY five BU: Day 3 Juicing
I had to get up super early for an employee meeting WITH NO COFFEE! Wow, I did it thought! Green tea, and those Naked drinks were saving my life. All I could think about during my hour between meeting and start of my shift was getting a coffee and a scone and journaling, that's like my favorite thing to do! Lord I'm so made for France! But in my journal without my coffee I discovered I had some unsolved feelings to clear with some people, interesting how coughing up phlem, juice cleansing and shedding some layers at a workshop can open up the dark side so quickly eh?
No sooner do I write but then in the flesh walks into my view my first clearing. Perfect. And the stories that were created by both of us, were talked about and released and we can move on seeing the greatness in each other without the misunderstandings sweet! it's that easy when both people are up for it!
Taurus NEW MOON: Great powerful energy in creating your wishes. especially around money, relationship, biz, jobs, new behavior, things that you have wanted for a long time are easily manifested during this moon. Thank you friends at work that shared this! Went to pick up my dancing boots for the show.....errrr at my exes venue, thats something else that's coming to be worked through. I wish that wasn't distracting me so much from getting my intentions done. but releasing it is part of new behaviors I suppose, and juicing is taking better care of my body!
Today I connected to the green mountains on my drive in to hollywood from malibu. They are gorgeous and change there radiance throughout the day depending on where the sun is, which made me think of lighting in films for some reason, light and shadow are such a huge part of how we view things, it can make things more beautiful or even scary, then you can go deeper into that on a whole spiritual/emotional level. The lighter the mood the more frivolous and fun, the darker the mood the more heavy, serious, and emotional. But just like the mountains, there's beauty and necessity for all of it!
xo-me
Monday, May 2, 2011
Malibu Days 4
Felt a lot better today. More human and connected to me body, my head however was feeling a bit loopy. So day two of juicing which means day two of no coffee. oi, today was a little tougher in that depo, just that morning habit of having something warm in my hand....ahhhh, well I'm not even gonna entertain "that drought" either. haha Anyway, got through most of the day fine with a few exceptions. Like moving a little slower than normal, had a few clearings which I wasnt really expecting, one left me hanging a bit, which I'm gonna sit with for a minute cause I'm too tired try to write an email right now. surprisingly I wasnt really feeling hungry until after my shift when I usually eat my meal so instead I got two juices, I AM ENERGIZED AND I AM WORTHY, and 2 SOUPS - Cause I'm deciding that it's okay if the soups aren't chucky. I made that up!
So i drank the soup when I got back to the Bu. It was such an amazingly gorgeous perfect day out today. And warm tonight too! The Stars in Malibu are radd! I like how if you look at the constellations you can see a white light connecting them if you really look closely. I always think of our freckles and beauty marks as our body constellations like the divines little stamp that we are all part of the same stuff and I'm sure if we look hard enough we can see that same light connecting us all.....although that thought gave me some peace my tummy is feeling a little queezy. could be adding the soup, the talk about the food, the dancing I did tonight, or the fact the I probably should eat something.....before I go downhill further, I think I should hit the hay.
Goodnight, enjoy that stars, and realize you are one!!!
xo-me
So i drank the soup when I got back to the Bu. It was such an amazingly gorgeous perfect day out today. And warm tonight too! The Stars in Malibu are radd! I like how if you look at the constellations you can see a white light connecting them if you really look closely. I always think of our freckles and beauty marks as our body constellations like the divines little stamp that we are all part of the same stuff and I'm sure if we look hard enough we can see that same light connecting us all.....although that thought gave me some peace my tummy is feeling a little queezy. could be adding the soup, the talk about the food, the dancing I did tonight, or the fact the I probably should eat something.....before I go downhill further, I think I should hit the hay.
Goodnight, enjoy that stars, and realize you are one!!!
xo-me
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Malibu Days 3
Quickly cause I'd like to sleep...
I woke up to more crazy wind today - the freedom and breathlessness strong winds can create is pretty rad. It's like the earh is exhaling for you.
Went to day two of the workshop and was thankful feeling better. Still coughing and dealing with the nose but I really felt some of the wakenings shifted things in my body.
Terces invited me to take on juicing for a week with her club. It's amazing ASK AND IT IS GIVEN. Wasnt I just talking about wanting to take on a challenge or focus. This one is a toughy cause it's gonna take away two things I really like and think I need everyday. COFFEE & FOOD!
I battled that inner demon this morning right away, I had to pretend my Green tea was coffee. I hope green tea is excempt!!! yikes. Well this is the way I'm doing it. I happened to get some juices from whole foods at lluch break the day before so I happened to be covered. But watching others eat, makes me want to eat, even if I'm not hungry it will make me think of my options for later. this is going to be interesting.
I danced twice today. My friend was inspired to dance to a piano play in the group on our lunch break, and it inspired me to join after. weeee fun, but woah stamina needs some exercise! yes, I've been under the weather but man... got me nervous for friday. Just danced to out the 6 songs on my friends CD and felt amazing and silly all at once.
Did I mention the coyote yesterday? They symbolize magic/trickery/strategy. pretty cool eh? oh, also I went home to pay my rent check (without any fear of having the money!) and one of my plants was all wilted since I hadn't been watered in days. I brought it back with me to where I'm housesitting to nurse it and I gave it a bunch of water and sat it next to another thriving basil plant and sang to it, "come back". It's came back!!! And I dont even have a disney princeless voice BTW. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND ABUNDANT AND SUPPORTED!!! I guess I could say come back....
Yeah, I danced twice today!
Recounted my blessings, was able to enjoy the view of the ocean on my ride, gave a random stranger a dollar, got through a day without coffee, and even play a little rusty dusty guitar.
Now I rest
Be healthy, be love, be abundance!
xo-me
I woke up to more crazy wind today - the freedom and breathlessness strong winds can create is pretty rad. It's like the earh is exhaling for you.
Went to day two of the workshop and was thankful feeling better. Still coughing and dealing with the nose but I really felt some of the wakenings shifted things in my body.
Terces invited me to take on juicing for a week with her club. It's amazing ASK AND IT IS GIVEN. Wasnt I just talking about wanting to take on a challenge or focus. This one is a toughy cause it's gonna take away two things I really like and think I need everyday. COFFEE & FOOD!
I battled that inner demon this morning right away, I had to pretend my Green tea was coffee. I hope green tea is excempt!!! yikes. Well this is the way I'm doing it. I happened to get some juices from whole foods at lluch break the day before so I happened to be covered. But watching others eat, makes me want to eat, even if I'm not hungry it will make me think of my options for later. this is going to be interesting.
I danced twice today. My friend was inspired to dance to a piano play in the group on our lunch break, and it inspired me to join after. weeee fun, but woah stamina needs some exercise! yes, I've been under the weather but man... got me nervous for friday. Just danced to out the 6 songs on my friends CD and felt amazing and silly all at once.
Did I mention the coyote yesterday? They symbolize magic/trickery/strategy. pretty cool eh? oh, also I went home to pay my rent check (without any fear of having the money!) and one of my plants was all wilted since I hadn't been watered in days. I brought it back with me to where I'm housesitting to nurse it and I gave it a bunch of water and sat it next to another thriving basil plant and sang to it, "come back". It's came back!!! And I dont even have a disney princeless voice BTW. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND ABUNDANT AND SUPPORTED!!! I guess I could say come back....
Yeah, I danced twice today!
Recounted my blessings, was able to enjoy the view of the ocean on my ride, gave a random stranger a dollar, got through a day without coffee, and even play a little rusty dusty guitar.
Now I rest
Be healthy, be love, be abundance!
xo-me
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Malibu Days 2
DAY TWO:
So it was a rough start this morning but I decided to go to the workshop after all. Again it was a fever sweats, nose blowing, coughy night, but I'm almost glad it's hitting me so hard so fast cause I know I'm processing stuff quicker. Another thought I had ever since my friend asked me to dance at her show, my awareness of how disconnected with my physical world I have been lately. I'm eating better than ever at my new job, but not dancing or working out regularly and now I'm not even compinsating with sex...which truely makes a big a difference for me to have some physical release!
At any rate, It was mad windy outside this morning which gave me Gate trouble with walking the dogs and getting them settle before leaving, I was "running out of time" quickly. And all these voices were talking to me through this whole getting situated and ready process. You shouldnt go, maybe this is a sign to stay, you already read the book anyway if you leave the dogs inside by themselves your gonna have to clean poop etc. Anything to resist potential transformation or growth!
At this point I'm coming to turns with feeling like shit, and I'm being called to show up even if that means I show up late. I'm practicing my trust in divine timing. I also have the awareness that its the end of the month and a fear that cops are gonna be meeting their quotas so I have to be extra alert on the road especially since I'm borrowing a car. All of this is my mind and emotions before 9am mind you, and this is cliff notes!
I'm not as tuned into the beautiful drive down the coast as I'd like, or the music on the radio. what the hell is wrong with me? Thank god I dont get sick often anymore cause it's like my fairy light is out! Like there's no postive spark right now, and it's not very fun or inspiring.
I had quite a release today in our share not so much what I shared but AI think the awareness around what I shared. Cause I have been pretty open about my past and daddy drama in my upbringing. But the effect that it had on me with the story I created around money and aboundance and actually speaking that out loud in a microphone to mostly strangers and new friends through tears, when I've been playing the role of happy, welcoming, nothing's wrong in my world hostess girl full of love and open arms for hugs! Was this going to distort their image of me, or would it make me more human? Would they pitty me? or would they be glad that I'm not perfect! I've had to put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong since I was 5 years old! That's a role I mastered and probably why I'm such a good actress! "I'm okay with everything and nothing."
At first it was an act. But in recent work on myself I have come to fake it until I made it. I literally have gone from everything to scrapping by to nothing, to just enough, to more than ever but unhappy so spending it as fast as it came in, to scrapping by again, to trusting and manifesting what I needed to turn up, to getting rid of everything on purpose and releasing attachments, to starting over and having days of getting by just enough and having to ask for help or shopping at the dollar store for food to 2 months of being comfortable again, then back and forth and FINALLY I'm not prentending I'm okay anymore!!! It's not comfortable! I'm sick.."sick" of having this block that I can't get past!
Block number one. MY DAD SOLD DRUGS!! This gave me beliefs and views around money that aren't really positive such as you have to hustle to get it, You can have everything and have it ripped away, Money equals drama and violence and hurt and craziness, people are jealous of you when you have it, people use you for it, If I have it I'm spoiled and don't deserve it, if we dont have it there's stress and depression and anger, money took away my dad, money equals happiness temporarily. Which also makes it hard for me to fullfill my creative passions because I didnt get a good example for trusting that. My dad is an amazing singer songwriter, who doesnt trust that gift and made the choices he made, so there's part of me who is afraid to go after the acting 100 % as well.
Casting jobs and other cash jobs were like my drug money. Fast cash in quick spirtz but dont have to be tied down to it! I also have no idea how to put a dollar value on my worth. That seems odd to me cause what I do is show up as me, I'm the gift, the messenger, it's not like here's how much my productions cost and here's my commission, so all I ever do is accept what is offered but ultimately I'm always left feeling like I'm not getting my worth. I put 100 % in whatever I am doing until I start feeling unappreciated, then I either lash out or check out. It happens in work and relationships.
Todays workshop was a great reminder of all these things and helped me be clear about my first 2 days here and my experience. It was amazing to hear everyone shares and just have that realization that we are not alone, that we can all relate to each other on some level. There is for sure I reason I'm sick and therefore more vulnerable now, it's another round of transformation. The last few weeks I have been on top of the world, loving my job and the people I'm surrounded with but also acutely aware of the things that don't feel so hot or the people that arent playing in my sandbox anymore. But what keeps coming up obviously after writing the last blog is I'm still living with a judge in my head! THAT MAKE WRONG NAYSAYER. THE EGO. THE LACK & FEAR MENTALTY. That is what's blocking me. Yes, I am speaking more authentically and truthfully, yes I am facing fears regardless of outcome, yes I work with people who inspire me and acknowledge greatness in me everyday, yes I get to be of service and have my work in alignment witha higher purpose...but there is still clutter the clear and some excess baggage to recycle into something more useful and sustainable and non-toxic. WOAHHH. All those 13's and 23's and 555's and 888's are appearing for a reason.
I knew just hearing Matthew & Terces Take and spin on their own ideas with a community of people to contribute experience would be a powerful gift. Just to simply be reminded on gratitude, is such a great tool to have. I started shifting to the darkside A bit, which manifested from not feeling loved and supported or understood to physical illness and exhaustion. But if I didnt get run down, maybe I wouldnt have seeked some more guidence and had these revelations that I'm hoping I retain after the cold meds wear off!
DAY TWO: Abounding River Tomorrow.
Homework tonight was give some form of supply to a stranger, make a list of all forms of abundance in your life, take on a apology, notice where your making up somethings wrong....which I think I did in my Blogs, pretty exensively! The first two will have to wait until morning. Since I no longer want to create myself as sick!
Another reminder. Ask, believe, recieve - thoughts create things - the power of I AM....
I have been using the term "I'm fighting a cold" the past few days - well then I'm fighting my health right?? How about I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL - I AM (ALSO) LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND I AM LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED.
I am grateful for these opportunities to grow!
xo-me
So it was a rough start this morning but I decided to go to the workshop after all. Again it was a fever sweats, nose blowing, coughy night, but I'm almost glad it's hitting me so hard so fast cause I know I'm processing stuff quicker. Another thought I had ever since my friend asked me to dance at her show, my awareness of how disconnected with my physical world I have been lately. I'm eating better than ever at my new job, but not dancing or working out regularly and now I'm not even compinsating with sex...which truely makes a big a difference for me to have some physical release!
At any rate, It was mad windy outside this morning which gave me Gate trouble with walking the dogs and getting them settle before leaving, I was "running out of time" quickly. And all these voices were talking to me through this whole getting situated and ready process. You shouldnt go, maybe this is a sign to stay, you already read the book anyway if you leave the dogs inside by themselves your gonna have to clean poop etc. Anything to resist potential transformation or growth!
At this point I'm coming to turns with feeling like shit, and I'm being called to show up even if that means I show up late. I'm practicing my trust in divine timing. I also have the awareness that its the end of the month and a fear that cops are gonna be meeting their quotas so I have to be extra alert on the road especially since I'm borrowing a car. All of this is my mind and emotions before 9am mind you, and this is cliff notes!
I'm not as tuned into the beautiful drive down the coast as I'd like, or the music on the radio. what the hell is wrong with me? Thank god I dont get sick often anymore cause it's like my fairy light is out! Like there's no postive spark right now, and it's not very fun or inspiring.
I had quite a release today in our share not so much what I shared but AI think the awareness around what I shared. Cause I have been pretty open about my past and daddy drama in my upbringing. But the effect that it had on me with the story I created around money and aboundance and actually speaking that out loud in a microphone to mostly strangers and new friends through tears, when I've been playing the role of happy, welcoming, nothing's wrong in my world hostess girl full of love and open arms for hugs! Was this going to distort their image of me, or would it make me more human? Would they pitty me? or would they be glad that I'm not perfect! I've had to put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong since I was 5 years old! That's a role I mastered and probably why I'm such a good actress! "I'm okay with everything and nothing."
At first it was an act. But in recent work on myself I have come to fake it until I made it. I literally have gone from everything to scrapping by to nothing, to just enough, to more than ever but unhappy so spending it as fast as it came in, to scrapping by again, to trusting and manifesting what I needed to turn up, to getting rid of everything on purpose and releasing attachments, to starting over and having days of getting by just enough and having to ask for help or shopping at the dollar store for food to 2 months of being comfortable again, then back and forth and FINALLY I'm not prentending I'm okay anymore!!! It's not comfortable! I'm sick.."sick" of having this block that I can't get past!
Block number one. MY DAD SOLD DRUGS!! This gave me beliefs and views around money that aren't really positive such as you have to hustle to get it, You can have everything and have it ripped away, Money equals drama and violence and hurt and craziness, people are jealous of you when you have it, people use you for it, If I have it I'm spoiled and don't deserve it, if we dont have it there's stress and depression and anger, money took away my dad, money equals happiness temporarily. Which also makes it hard for me to fullfill my creative passions because I didnt get a good example for trusting that. My dad is an amazing singer songwriter, who doesnt trust that gift and made the choices he made, so there's part of me who is afraid to go after the acting 100 % as well.
Casting jobs and other cash jobs were like my drug money. Fast cash in quick spirtz but dont have to be tied down to it! I also have no idea how to put a dollar value on my worth. That seems odd to me cause what I do is show up as me, I'm the gift, the messenger, it's not like here's how much my productions cost and here's my commission, so all I ever do is accept what is offered but ultimately I'm always left feeling like I'm not getting my worth. I put 100 % in whatever I am doing until I start feeling unappreciated, then I either lash out or check out. It happens in work and relationships.
Todays workshop was a great reminder of all these things and helped me be clear about my first 2 days here and my experience. It was amazing to hear everyone shares and just have that realization that we are not alone, that we can all relate to each other on some level. There is for sure I reason I'm sick and therefore more vulnerable now, it's another round of transformation. The last few weeks I have been on top of the world, loving my job and the people I'm surrounded with but also acutely aware of the things that don't feel so hot or the people that arent playing in my sandbox anymore. But what keeps coming up obviously after writing the last blog is I'm still living with a judge in my head! THAT MAKE WRONG NAYSAYER. THE EGO. THE LACK & FEAR MENTALTY. That is what's blocking me. Yes, I am speaking more authentically and truthfully, yes I am facing fears regardless of outcome, yes I work with people who inspire me and acknowledge greatness in me everyday, yes I get to be of service and have my work in alignment witha higher purpose...but there is still clutter the clear and some excess baggage to recycle into something more useful and sustainable and non-toxic. WOAHHH. All those 13's and 23's and 555's and 888's are appearing for a reason.
I knew just hearing Matthew & Terces Take and spin on their own ideas with a community of people to contribute experience would be a powerful gift. Just to simply be reminded on gratitude, is such a great tool to have. I started shifting to the darkside A bit, which manifested from not feeling loved and supported or understood to physical illness and exhaustion. But if I didnt get run down, maybe I wouldnt have seeked some more guidence and had these revelations that I'm hoping I retain after the cold meds wear off!
DAY TWO: Abounding River Tomorrow.
Homework tonight was give some form of supply to a stranger, make a list of all forms of abundance in your life, take on a apology, notice where your making up somethings wrong....which I think I did in my Blogs, pretty exensively! The first two will have to wait until morning. Since I no longer want to create myself as sick!
Another reminder. Ask, believe, recieve - thoughts create things - the power of I AM....
I have been using the term "I'm fighting a cold" the past few days - well then I'm fighting my health right?? How about I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL, I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL - I AM (ALSO) LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED. I AM HEALTHY AND VITAL AND I AM LOVED, APPRECIATED AND SUPPORTED.
I am grateful for these opportunities to grow!
xo-me
Malibu Days 1.5
DAY .5:
So I recently started housesitting in malibu. 4 doggies and 2 birds. And I'm here for almost a month. 27 days actually, well 27.5. And I thought this would be the perfect time to take on a new practice or challenge like I have done in the past. For instance, I could dance every day I'm here since there's a studio downstairs, I could start writing a book idea, I could quit coffee, I could do another round of "A wish can change your life." etc etc. What I was inspired by right away walking into this house again, was the view of nature.
The green hills, the view of the ocean, the trees, birds, dogs, but could I find 27 things, or focus on just one everyday? Would I have "enough" time to dedicate focus on this between work and travel and time to sleep? Which tail spins me into, "Fuck, why do I have to work so much while I'm here this is a perfect opportunity to focus on myself with no distractions but there's not "enough" hostesses to cover my shifts." "I told them if I get sick they're screwed" and "what's gonna happen when I have to shoot my movie in august?" "I say yes too much, and I'm not appreciated, other people are selfish and only think about themselves" How did I get here??? Blame blame worry worry making wrong making wrong! eeeewww. Literally from having a heart expanding moment at the 20 birds that are dancing in the sky passing each other through trees to nest to air, seeming like they are working together for the same goal. My focus goes from that BEAUTY OF NATURE to MAKING WRONG & LACK OF HUMANS.
The evening gets better with holding space and sharing talks, and a reminder of gratitude, then I have a glass of wine and stay up a bit too late but I justify it with my day off upon waking. So I have the whole day, to clear my body and mind like I'm on some zen retreat!
DAY ONE:
So much for sleeping in. Up at the alarm of a small dog's "pay attention to me" bark. But really, he knew something I didnt. I had to wake up to get the maid, and his body was used to the timing, mine wasnt, nor my cell phone alarm. Not 3 minutes later at 7:45am. Giving me roughly 5.5 hours of rest the doorbell rings. Immediately, I remember my pick up the maid duty, feel guilty I slept too late and check my phone for the time and see that's t early. Thankfully she just happened to get a ride today so she was early, and I didnt have to fully admit I set my alarm wrong or forgot, the universe and a little dog were on my side today.
So I stayed up. Wanted to make the most of my day off, I dont have many now working at the cafe. So first task pee, then take dogs out to pee, then coffee then feed everyone and sit in the sun with the journal, find some books to read, dance today, go to the market etc. I did get sun, and I did journal but while I was outside enjoying the ocean and the sun and the birds again, my throat started to itch. And realized I was stuffed up when I woke up. I had been considering a workshop called Abounding River through work, and wasnt sure if I "needed" to do it since already did the workbook on my own and partly with the roomie. I invited her along, but she wasn't interested, which put me in a tailspin of a previous conversation we had where we both admitted to making things up and judging or feeling like we were judged from the other, that I obviously havent completely let go of yet. My story turned into she hates where I work! When it could have been she's tired and just got back from a trip...or anything else for that matter.
But still easily triggered into my "make wrong" place these days, now my nose is runny but that post nasal drip runny so its also making my throat hurt more, and my energy is really low, so now dancing is less appealing and then I get mad at myself cause I have to get my ass moving before my friends show next week where I'll be "moving art" as part of their show, I don't want to be a disappointment or look bad and I have something to prove since my ex will be there cause he works there, but why should I care anyway, which brings up all those residual feelings of hurt and disgust and lack of appreciation, and wanting to be more evolved then still being angry with him! AND GOOD LORD! How did I get here?! Where did the love go?! Love for myself, and all these people attached to my icky stories.
I got to reading, and journaling, and grocery store then decided to knap, maybe I was just a little sleep deprived. Nope FULL ON SICK! FUCK! Fever sweats, cough, stuffy nose, yuckiness SHIIITTTT. Who's gonna cover me, I can't GIVE shifts away as it is. I'm screwed, the cafe is screwed, I'm gonna be miserable at work, I'm gonna be a shitty hostess feeling like this! ahhhhhhh. OKAY. breath, TEXT. 4 text messages go out, zero replies back before I go back to sleep my worst fear realized....and I was "RIGHT"!
I woke up, still no response from anyone...the excuses I had made up for everyone to feed my rightness and ego, and the story I recreate is "I help everyone and no one helps me!" yaddah yaddah. When I pulled into a parking space for work. Oh yeah! THAT'S RIGHT HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GRATITUDE FOR HAVING A CAR TO DRIVE WHILE HOUSESITTING, How about being grateful for my health when I have it, since that is always something I neglect and take for granted.....but back to where I was going with parking, I reach for my phone and see I'm early, so I'm going sit and meditate my sickness and frustration away, think of my affirmations from Louise Hay and my symptoms! But wait I have a Text? From another host? She can cover?~! ahhhh Figures I'm already at work. Why did I just get it? It came through mid night last night. Either it took this long for reception to catch up being closer to hollywood, Or I was literally blinded by what I thought the truth was gonna be according to my presumption and judgements. So who's the asshole?! Yep Me! Take full responsibly. And a valuable lesson.
Let's make a commitment to assuming the best in ourselves and others instead of the worst. Which is all I ever really wanted in my last relationship too but we just couldn't give that to each other cause we still had baggage to unpack. And here it is showing up again so I can clean house Physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Also I worked most of my day. But thankfully my manager let me go early. I also found out I got a dollar raise, a host raise! yehhh! I got home and slept 7 hours, through sweats, coughs, blowing nose etc. Day off tomorrow, workshop or no workshop? That is the question. I contemplated it's worth of my "sick time" in my 2 hour break from slumber, I'll decide in the morning.....
So I recently started housesitting in malibu. 4 doggies and 2 birds. And I'm here for almost a month. 27 days actually, well 27.5. And I thought this would be the perfect time to take on a new practice or challenge like I have done in the past. For instance, I could dance every day I'm here since there's a studio downstairs, I could start writing a book idea, I could quit coffee, I could do another round of "A wish can change your life." etc etc. What I was inspired by right away walking into this house again, was the view of nature.
The green hills, the view of the ocean, the trees, birds, dogs, but could I find 27 things, or focus on just one everyday? Would I have "enough" time to dedicate focus on this between work and travel and time to sleep? Which tail spins me into, "Fuck, why do I have to work so much while I'm here this is a perfect opportunity to focus on myself with no distractions but there's not "enough" hostesses to cover my shifts." "I told them if I get sick they're screwed" and "what's gonna happen when I have to shoot my movie in august?" "I say yes too much, and I'm not appreciated, other people are selfish and only think about themselves" How did I get here??? Blame blame worry worry making wrong making wrong! eeeewww. Literally from having a heart expanding moment at the 20 birds that are dancing in the sky passing each other through trees to nest to air, seeming like they are working together for the same goal. My focus goes from that BEAUTY OF NATURE to MAKING WRONG & LACK OF HUMANS.
The evening gets better with holding space and sharing talks, and a reminder of gratitude, then I have a glass of wine and stay up a bit too late but I justify it with my day off upon waking. So I have the whole day, to clear my body and mind like I'm on some zen retreat!
DAY ONE:
So much for sleeping in. Up at the alarm of a small dog's "pay attention to me" bark. But really, he knew something I didnt. I had to wake up to get the maid, and his body was used to the timing, mine wasnt, nor my cell phone alarm. Not 3 minutes later at 7:45am. Giving me roughly 5.5 hours of rest the doorbell rings. Immediately, I remember my pick up the maid duty, feel guilty I slept too late and check my phone for the time and see that's t early. Thankfully she just happened to get a ride today so she was early, and I didnt have to fully admit I set my alarm wrong or forgot, the universe and a little dog were on my side today.
So I stayed up. Wanted to make the most of my day off, I dont have many now working at the cafe. So first task pee, then take dogs out to pee, then coffee then feed everyone and sit in the sun with the journal, find some books to read, dance today, go to the market etc. I did get sun, and I did journal but while I was outside enjoying the ocean and the sun and the birds again, my throat started to itch. And realized I was stuffed up when I woke up. I had been considering a workshop called Abounding River through work, and wasnt sure if I "needed" to do it since already did the workbook on my own and partly with the roomie. I invited her along, but she wasn't interested, which put me in a tailspin of a previous conversation we had where we both admitted to making things up and judging or feeling like we were judged from the other, that I obviously havent completely let go of yet. My story turned into she hates where I work! When it could have been she's tired and just got back from a trip...or anything else for that matter.
But still easily triggered into my "make wrong" place these days, now my nose is runny but that post nasal drip runny so its also making my throat hurt more, and my energy is really low, so now dancing is less appealing and then I get mad at myself cause I have to get my ass moving before my friends show next week where I'll be "moving art" as part of their show, I don't want to be a disappointment or look bad and I have something to prove since my ex will be there cause he works there, but why should I care anyway, which brings up all those residual feelings of hurt and disgust and lack of appreciation, and wanting to be more evolved then still being angry with him! AND GOOD LORD! How did I get here?! Where did the love go?! Love for myself, and all these people attached to my icky stories.
I got to reading, and journaling, and grocery store then decided to knap, maybe I was just a little sleep deprived. Nope FULL ON SICK! FUCK! Fever sweats, cough, stuffy nose, yuckiness SHIIITTTT. Who's gonna cover me, I can't GIVE shifts away as it is. I'm screwed, the cafe is screwed, I'm gonna be miserable at work, I'm gonna be a shitty hostess feeling like this! ahhhhhhh. OKAY. breath, TEXT. 4 text messages go out, zero replies back before I go back to sleep my worst fear realized....and I was "RIGHT"!
I woke up, still no response from anyone...the excuses I had made up for everyone to feed my rightness and ego, and the story I recreate is "I help everyone and no one helps me!" yaddah yaddah. When I pulled into a parking space for work. Oh yeah! THAT'S RIGHT HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GRATITUDE FOR HAVING A CAR TO DRIVE WHILE HOUSESITTING, How about being grateful for my health when I have it, since that is always something I neglect and take for granted.....but back to where I was going with parking, I reach for my phone and see I'm early, so I'm going sit and meditate my sickness and frustration away, think of my affirmations from Louise Hay and my symptoms! But wait I have a Text? From another host? She can cover?~! ahhhh Figures I'm already at work. Why did I just get it? It came through mid night last night. Either it took this long for reception to catch up being closer to hollywood, Or I was literally blinded by what I thought the truth was gonna be according to my presumption and judgements. So who's the asshole?! Yep Me! Take full responsibly. And a valuable lesson.
Let's make a commitment to assuming the best in ourselves and others instead of the worst. Which is all I ever really wanted in my last relationship too but we just couldn't give that to each other cause we still had baggage to unpack. And here it is showing up again so I can clean house Physically, emotionally, & spiritually. Also I worked most of my day. But thankfully my manager let me go early. I also found out I got a dollar raise, a host raise! yehhh! I got home and slept 7 hours, through sweats, coughs, blowing nose etc. Day off tomorrow, workshop or no workshop? That is the question. I contemplated it's worth of my "sick time" in my 2 hour break from slumber, I'll decide in the morning.....
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Crushes are fun but how long does the fun last?
There are so many different reasons we can develop a crush. Sometimes its the start of a long standing relationship, other times an unexplainable connection, the muse to your next song, or it could even be just out of plain old boredom.
I myself have fallen down this road for all these reasons and have seen other women do the same. Currently, I have a school girl crush, a baby making crush, a slight fix it crush, and finally the unattainable crush. Oh the fix I'm in. Now, I could look at that and say "damn I'm fickle", or I could look at that and say "Wow, I'm totally in the moment and open to lots of possibility", or I could dig a little deeper and say "well this serves as a great distraction from the one I'm trying to forget". Truth is, its all of it and more. But on a brand new level what I'm most proud of myself to discover is my awareness of the behavior and what each one of these men represent for me, now.
The School Girl Crush - is so innocent, and I don't really imagine it going anywhere, but I have such a Love and respect for this person. I'm entertained at times when we get to play in the same sand box and annoyed when he tries to take my toy away without asking, or decides next recess he's gonna go play with a different girl instead and not even look at me. And I'd rather chasing him around and throw a dodge ball at his head then make-out with him. In fact it would probably be comical if we tried. My inner child, teenager and adult is being stretched. My ego is being put in check. And there is always a change in mood with every breeze so no bad feelings linger. It's sweet. Because it starts with just innocent love. But sometimes he still makes me pout! Like Peter and Tinkerbell - only this Peter is starting to grow up sadly.
The Baby Making Crush - being in your 30's the clock is ticking whether you hear it or not. And this man is just so Divinely Beautiful and has such a graceful energy that anytime he comes into my work all the girls swoon a little bit. He's has the gentleness you'd want in your baby's daddy to hold your child, but also pretty features to ensure good genes, and hot arms you wouldn't mind wrapping around you. This is a yummy man. And as soon as he walks into your world your hormones go into overdrive! All of a sudden all the females start going into ALFA mode to get his attention. He's serves a primal purpose and instinct. It's a powerful seed he carries after all. But then his almost too perfect that we question if he might not be gay....but who cares he'd still make a beautiful baby, and even gay men need eggs!!!
The Slight Fix it Crush - Who says reverse psychology doesn't work!? It's a human condition to always want what we know isn't good for us! It's starts as curiosity at times, like putting your hand on a hot stove top just to get burned but you'll probably do it again just to make sure it still hurts. Why are we such gluttons some times? Like eating so much we have to unbutton our pants or Staying up too late when we know we have to wake up early? Weird right? So why do woman have this fascination with taking in strays, or helping the wounded bird, or restoring a heart back to health? Cause we can! It's a beautiful gift of nurturing that we are granted with by nature. We heal and we love to heal, we give live- that's one of our basic functions and urges however that LIFE might manifests - whether stray dog, having a baby, inspiring the artist with our naked body or teaching a man how to love - it's all giving life. So the fix it guy can be so attractive the more unattractive he is on paper. What a great project to create something out of nothing, or tidy up a big mess! The mess i came across recently besides all my ex boyfriends happened to tell me he knows nothing about sex, doesn't have a lot of money, has never loved a good girl and I probably would like him anywway....wow what a sell huh? well then why did a perk up a little when I saw him today? Cause of the little glutton in me....who I would think by now has learned her lesson!
And finally my favorite the Unattainable Crush! Another human condition...wanting what we can't have, the forbidden fruit. I took a bite of the apple and it keeps leading me back to the same damn tree even when I choose to take a new path. This one isn't only unattainable it's also an unexplainable connection which makes the whole thing a lot more confusing, and therefore a lot more appealing....of course. So basically I'M FUCKED. It engages my mind, when I get to analyze every "sign", "look", "coincidence", "gesture", and "word", it engages my body because all the build up of thoughts gives me heat flashes and nerves and sweaty palms and excess energy that is bottled up in a body repressing Words that "shouldn't be said" and actions that "should be takin" and Spirit because there is the belief of "synchronicity", leading me to him. Like he was a master magician who put a spell into the cosmos and I let love lead me to him. So here we are. Two spirits listening to intuition. And now what?! NOTHING?! All, that build up for nothing?! I can't even rip his clothes off when he gives me a cute mischievous grin? NO FAIR!!! I can't play out the dreams I have had of him outside of my head even when the bread crumbs actually lead him to me, and he noticed me first, and our eyes linger a little too long with no words whenever we are in the same room, and our bodies are draw to each other like magnets but are forced to repel in opposite directions- like we are in oncoming traffic trying to avoid a head on collision, when our communication is more primal and animalistic with more physical and energetic speaking . Words literally turn into sounds and vibrations more so than actual sentences. But really....This is all my creation and in truth I really have no idea what his creation is. I could be just some random chick he bumps into sometimes. But it sure feels and sounds entertaining doesn't it? It gets the adrenaline pumping, it gets the visioning flowing, it helps me to see the magic of the universe and proof our thoughts actually do create things. And it gives me this big old intriging story to tell myself without any actual responsibility, or commitment to its outcome or resolution. Even though there is that part of me that hates cliffhanger movies, and wants an ending, preferrably and happy ending. But at any rate, its like free rollercoaster ride! Only if you go on it too many times you'll get sick. (mostly manifested emotionally and mentally) And with unattainable (ie, significant other or doesn't "crush" you back), if you attach yourself to any outcome or even take the ride to crazytown (coined phrase from my roomie) more than you should, it's asking for hurt and sickness isn't it?
The biggest lesson from all of these little crushes along the way are never having expectations otherwise you are sure to be disappointed and it's better to allow for pleasant surprises, i think. I'm mean CRUSH....got it's name CRUSH from somewhere. One person usually ends up CRUSHED in the end. We can't control how other people receive us. But we can control how we receive them and react to there actions and inactions. I can choose to be hurt, take things personal, be disappointed, have highs and lows from expectations, or I can choose to let these amazing men SHINE for me to see the beauty of it all and guide me to all the qualities I want and can cherish in my soulmate. To enjoy all these little moments as moments with no attachment and see my freedom from them as my gift to play and create right now. Then I elevate from "crush" to LOVE. Yes, that can be a big scary word. But there's no scary second meaning to love but more love. What we attach to it becomes scary. In non-attachment & pure love, I can connect and vision and appreciate and acknowledge and learn more from them about my own psyche and levels of spirit and physical body. It's like I get to experience them as different color paint puddles. And I have this blank canvas right now to surrender to, and jut allow the inspiration of each of these colors to help me create and manifest the most amazing piece of art I can express through my heart brush! I can love them and appreciate them, and learn from them just by them simply showing up as blue, red, yellow, and green - throw in some God/Goddess White and viola - I AM MY OWN TRUE LOVE AND MASTERPIECE!
(although some good sex along he way would be nice too! hehe)
BEING LOVE
xo - me
I myself have fallen down this road for all these reasons and have seen other women do the same. Currently, I have a school girl crush, a baby making crush, a slight fix it crush, and finally the unattainable crush. Oh the fix I'm in. Now, I could look at that and say "damn I'm fickle", or I could look at that and say "Wow, I'm totally in the moment and open to lots of possibility", or I could dig a little deeper and say "well this serves as a great distraction from the one I'm trying to forget". Truth is, its all of it and more. But on a brand new level what I'm most proud of myself to discover is my awareness of the behavior and what each one of these men represent for me, now.
The School Girl Crush - is so innocent, and I don't really imagine it going anywhere, but I have such a Love and respect for this person. I'm entertained at times when we get to play in the same sand box and annoyed when he tries to take my toy away without asking, or decides next recess he's gonna go play with a different girl instead and not even look at me. And I'd rather chasing him around and throw a dodge ball at his head then make-out with him. In fact it would probably be comical if we tried. My inner child, teenager and adult is being stretched. My ego is being put in check. And there is always a change in mood with every breeze so no bad feelings linger. It's sweet. Because it starts with just innocent love. But sometimes he still makes me pout! Like Peter and Tinkerbell - only this Peter is starting to grow up sadly.
The Baby Making Crush - being in your 30's the clock is ticking whether you hear it or not. And this man is just so Divinely Beautiful and has such a graceful energy that anytime he comes into my work all the girls swoon a little bit. He's has the gentleness you'd want in your baby's daddy to hold your child, but also pretty features to ensure good genes, and hot arms you wouldn't mind wrapping around you. This is a yummy man. And as soon as he walks into your world your hormones go into overdrive! All of a sudden all the females start going into ALFA mode to get his attention. He's serves a primal purpose and instinct. It's a powerful seed he carries after all. But then his almost too perfect that we question if he might not be gay....but who cares he'd still make a beautiful baby, and even gay men need eggs!!!
The Slight Fix it Crush - Who says reverse psychology doesn't work!? It's a human condition to always want what we know isn't good for us! It's starts as curiosity at times, like putting your hand on a hot stove top just to get burned but you'll probably do it again just to make sure it still hurts. Why are we such gluttons some times? Like eating so much we have to unbutton our pants or Staying up too late when we know we have to wake up early? Weird right? So why do woman have this fascination with taking in strays, or helping the wounded bird, or restoring a heart back to health? Cause we can! It's a beautiful gift of nurturing that we are granted with by nature. We heal and we love to heal, we give live- that's one of our basic functions and urges however that LIFE might manifests - whether stray dog, having a baby, inspiring the artist with our naked body or teaching a man how to love - it's all giving life. So the fix it guy can be so attractive the more unattractive he is on paper. What a great project to create something out of nothing, or tidy up a big mess! The mess i came across recently besides all my ex boyfriends happened to tell me he knows nothing about sex, doesn't have a lot of money, has never loved a good girl and I probably would like him anywway....wow what a sell huh? well then why did a perk up a little when I saw him today? Cause of the little glutton in me....who I would think by now has learned her lesson!
And finally my favorite the Unattainable Crush! Another human condition...wanting what we can't have, the forbidden fruit. I took a bite of the apple and it keeps leading me back to the same damn tree even when I choose to take a new path. This one isn't only unattainable it's also an unexplainable connection which makes the whole thing a lot more confusing, and therefore a lot more appealing....of course. So basically I'M FUCKED. It engages my mind, when I get to analyze every "sign", "look", "coincidence", "gesture", and "word", it engages my body because all the build up of thoughts gives me heat flashes and nerves and sweaty palms and excess energy that is bottled up in a body repressing Words that "shouldn't be said" and actions that "should be takin" and Spirit because there is the belief of "synchronicity", leading me to him. Like he was a master magician who put a spell into the cosmos and I let love lead me to him. So here we are. Two spirits listening to intuition. And now what?! NOTHING?! All, that build up for nothing?! I can't even rip his clothes off when he gives me a cute mischievous grin? NO FAIR!!! I can't play out the dreams I have had of him outside of my head even when the bread crumbs actually lead him to me, and he noticed me first, and our eyes linger a little too long with no words whenever we are in the same room, and our bodies are draw to each other like magnets but are forced to repel in opposite directions- like we are in oncoming traffic trying to avoid a head on collision, when our communication is more primal and animalistic with more physical and energetic speaking . Words literally turn into sounds and vibrations more so than actual sentences. But really....This is all my creation and in truth I really have no idea what his creation is. I could be just some random chick he bumps into sometimes. But it sure feels and sounds entertaining doesn't it? It gets the adrenaline pumping, it gets the visioning flowing, it helps me to see the magic of the universe and proof our thoughts actually do create things. And it gives me this big old intriging story to tell myself without any actual responsibility, or commitment to its outcome or resolution. Even though there is that part of me that hates cliffhanger movies, and wants an ending, preferrably and happy ending. But at any rate, its like free rollercoaster ride! Only if you go on it too many times you'll get sick. (mostly manifested emotionally and mentally) And with unattainable (ie, significant other or doesn't "crush" you back), if you attach yourself to any outcome or even take the ride to crazytown (coined phrase from my roomie) more than you should, it's asking for hurt and sickness isn't it?
The biggest lesson from all of these little crushes along the way are never having expectations otherwise you are sure to be disappointed and it's better to allow for pleasant surprises, i think. I'm mean CRUSH....got it's name CRUSH from somewhere. One person usually ends up CRUSHED in the end. We can't control how other people receive us. But we can control how we receive them and react to there actions and inactions. I can choose to be hurt, take things personal, be disappointed, have highs and lows from expectations, or I can choose to let these amazing men SHINE for me to see the beauty of it all and guide me to all the qualities I want and can cherish in my soulmate. To enjoy all these little moments as moments with no attachment and see my freedom from them as my gift to play and create right now. Then I elevate from "crush" to LOVE. Yes, that can be a big scary word. But there's no scary second meaning to love but more love. What we attach to it becomes scary. In non-attachment & pure love, I can connect and vision and appreciate and acknowledge and learn more from them about my own psyche and levels of spirit and physical body. It's like I get to experience them as different color paint puddles. And I have this blank canvas right now to surrender to, and jut allow the inspiration of each of these colors to help me create and manifest the most amazing piece of art I can express through my heart brush! I can love them and appreciate them, and learn from them just by them simply showing up as blue, red, yellow, and green - throw in some God/Goddess White and viola - I AM MY OWN TRUE LOVE AND MASTERPIECE!
(although some good sex along he way would be nice too! hehe)
BEING LOVE
xo - me
Sunday, April 10, 2011
new dance and dance partner
Oh, breaking up is hard to do. Mostly because I think we fear the unknown, or are afraid to grow beyond what this relationship has taught us to this point or we just like feeling stuck and having something to bitch about. There's so many reasons ranging from guilt to lust to co-dependent but when the jig is up, it's up. The grim reaper to cupids arrow is bound to stop by if both parties are not 100%, for themselves and eachother! Because let's face it, a healthy relationship isnt possible with both those things NOT in alignment. One person always ends up resistant or loving more than the other.
Guess who I am normally? The first week was a doozy the reminders everywhere, look-alike cars, mutual friends, songs, numbers, you name it it shows up and tests your emotions. But I would like to offer a little gift I discovered, if you happen to be going through a breakup, breakdown, loss or random sadness take a trip to my job....cafe gratitude. This has been amazing alchemy for me. Everyday I get to "Clear" bring up my shadow and emotions and release it, and get my consciousness shifted to a higher brighter level and be acknowledged. This was the first time in a breakup that I have ever been around so many people that tell me how much they appreciate me, and how radd I am, how great I look and reminded what amazing men are out there to be discovered. Or women if you roll that way. I have the pleasure of being surrounded by magical, conscious, healing, lightworker beings that happen to also be beautiful. What a gift. The best mirror I could ask for.
Yes, I have had my little emotional upheavals of sadness and anger in the letting go process and that's all that it is, a process. One more transformation of life. One more place I can learn, one more place I can take my love to new level. I need to be angry for a little bit longer, maybe, butit's all good cause I know I deserve 100%. I have been getting a reflection of what I really want, almost daily! I'm worth it! I'm worth the wait!!! And I'm grateful for being here. So, Here we are! Standing at the cliff of transformation. Now what are we going to do with this new experience? LEAP into the unknown and FLY!
Love
me xo
Guess who I am normally? The first week was a doozy the reminders everywhere, look-alike cars, mutual friends, songs, numbers, you name it it shows up and tests your emotions. But I would like to offer a little gift I discovered, if you happen to be going through a breakup, breakdown, loss or random sadness take a trip to my job....cafe gratitude. This has been amazing alchemy for me. Everyday I get to "Clear" bring up my shadow and emotions and release it, and get my consciousness shifted to a higher brighter level and be acknowledged. This was the first time in a breakup that I have ever been around so many people that tell me how much they appreciate me, and how radd I am, how great I look and reminded what amazing men are out there to be discovered. Or women if you roll that way. I have the pleasure of being surrounded by magical, conscious, healing, lightworker beings that happen to also be beautiful. What a gift. The best mirror I could ask for.
Yes, I have had my little emotional upheavals of sadness and anger in the letting go process and that's all that it is, a process. One more transformation of life. One more place I can learn, one more place I can take my love to new level. I need to be angry for a little bit longer, maybe, butit's all good cause I know I deserve 100%. I have been getting a reflection of what I really want, almost daily! I'm worth it! I'm worth the wait!!! And I'm grateful for being here. So, Here we are! Standing at the cliff of transformation. Now what are we going to do with this new experience? LEAP into the unknown and FLY!
Love
me xo
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Forgetting to celebrate Ourselves!
So I have been in some serious flow of creation and manifesting and the whirlpool effects is starting to settle. I'm not sure if the excitement is fizzling or if it's just my aching gums from a wisdom tooth growing in that is making it all lack a bit a luster.
I think it's time to get back into gratitude attitude and allow myself to celebrate MYSELF!!!
So here goes CONGRATS to me!!! and admitting the shadow....
I have manifested a steady job at cafe gratitude the awesomest restaurant I have EVER encountered. Which took a year and a half to achieve. I was super excited the first month of training and opening, seeing the full circle of the whole creation, meeting celebs, the owners I have come to know as my spiritual gurus and making new amazing friends that follow their hearts and speak their truth. Now, here's the shadow that rears it's testy head....I was told I would be scheduled 2 days and 2 nights...perfect! 4 days a minimum wage job plus tips would cover rent and leave me open to audition etc. Well here we are 2 weeks after opening, now I'm working 4 days, one night, seeing the same faces, going to the same place, and just discovered it's going to be really hard for me to get covered because the other girls that host can't or won't take days. hmmm, not quite part of the perfect plan, and I don't do well in routine. Is this ego? Is this the voice that shows up to make things wrong that are really just in divine order? is this just my toothache putting me in a bad mood? is this all old baggage of not feeling free in commitments and being to available for others that don't seem available to me? IT'S ALL OF IT! This is a spiritual place, with spiritual people and clearings, and living in this vibrations brings up all these mirrors even more, and even faster. So here we go....moving through the discomfort and clearing it all out!
I have Manifested a Lead Role in a feature film called "Night Shift"! Really loved the monologues I read for the audition. It's basically about a girl who is putting her foot down to herself, a bad relationship and the universe and finally allowing herself to be fully expressed. This resonated with me so strongly. It's rare that you get those roles that you KNOW are meant for you! It's totally where I am now, Minus the asshole man who's married. My boyfriend has actually been pretty rad lately! haha And thankfully divorced long before we met....but I digress - There was a chance that I'd be traveling the Germany, but I just got the dates and it shoots in LA in August so again the shadow...is bummed...don't get to travel afterall. merrrrrr. It looks like only 3 days of shooting so not gonna miss much work which is good!
I faced a fear and sang in front of my man and recorded a heart song!
This song is pretty special to me and I had amazing people help me with it. And I just did it as a gift and a way to face a fear. It was quite a process that brought up some baggage for me and my man I think and was challenging to get done. It was more work than we anticipated. But we got through. Although it hasn't been quite received and I'm making up not listened to yet or liked...you know like if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all. haha. But here's that shadow again with ego attachment to outcome and validation. But really who cares....the point is I did it! and I gave a gift!
I had gotten a raise on a casting job! And with that money I was able to catch up on a few things in life, to complete my space and invest in making life more efficient. Such as the computer I'm typing on now....I FINALLY HAVE WORD!! and INTERNET! Thank you to my amazing brother who built it for me and is a computer wiz! Was able to update websites today and order postcards in a jiffy! Shadow side creeps out to ask if I really needed to spend that extra money, and brings up fears of not having enough! I have to remind myself to stay in the flow and trust that we are always provided for and its an investment that will create even more to come in.....
My film LEADING LADIES is still kicking butt at festivals around the world! The wind is out of my sails a little bit here because I don't get to go to all these places "Mona" my character gets to go. And we shot it forever ago and I just want it to be SOLD already! But its pretty cool to think my face is traveling the world. I think I have to re-adjust my travel vision board with the words I get to see this places in person! haha But at the end of the day it's not about me. It's about the movie and the story and the message getting out there to change HEARTS & MINDS, that all we need is love, and there isn't just one way it should look!
SO here is my Gratitude list...
I am grateful for my new amazing job at Cafe Gratitude
I am grateful for my giving and talented boyfriend
I am grateful for my cousin living in LA now and blonding up my hair and cooking good food
I am grateful for my rad roommate and the honest and encouraging mirror we give each other and endless hours of sex and the city and bev hills 90210 when I want to veg
I am grateful for the extra money I had this past month
I am grateful for the healthy yummy food at work
I am grateful for NIGHT SHIFT
I am grateful for my role in the short Crimson
I am Grateful for the bus lines
I am grateful for this rain to slow me down
I am grateful for meeting and being able acknowledge Jason Mraz
I am grateful for all the LOVES that I work with
I am grateful for the acknowledgement I get from my co-workers
I am grateful for this computer and internet
I am grateful for my body knowing how to function healthy and on its own everyday
I am grateful for the sacrifice Japan made to show the world ITS TIME TO TAKE CARE OF EACHOTHER AND OUR EARTH
I am grateful for having today off to get some things done for myself.
I am grateful for pain relievers for my gums
I am grateful for heat and pjs
I am grateful for all that is to come.....and the knowingness of there is nowhere to GET TO and NOWHERE to GET.
BE LOVE
xo- me
I think it's time to get back into gratitude attitude and allow myself to celebrate MYSELF!!!
So here goes CONGRATS to me!!! and admitting the shadow....
I have manifested a steady job at cafe gratitude the awesomest restaurant I have EVER encountered. Which took a year and a half to achieve. I was super excited the first month of training and opening, seeing the full circle of the whole creation, meeting celebs, the owners I have come to know as my spiritual gurus and making new amazing friends that follow their hearts and speak their truth. Now, here's the shadow that rears it's testy head....I was told I would be scheduled 2 days and 2 nights...perfect! 4 days a minimum wage job plus tips would cover rent and leave me open to audition etc. Well here we are 2 weeks after opening, now I'm working 4 days, one night, seeing the same faces, going to the same place, and just discovered it's going to be really hard for me to get covered because the other girls that host can't or won't take days. hmmm, not quite part of the perfect plan, and I don't do well in routine. Is this ego? Is this the voice that shows up to make things wrong that are really just in divine order? is this just my toothache putting me in a bad mood? is this all old baggage of not feeling free in commitments and being to available for others that don't seem available to me? IT'S ALL OF IT! This is a spiritual place, with spiritual people and clearings, and living in this vibrations brings up all these mirrors even more, and even faster. So here we go....moving through the discomfort and clearing it all out!
I have Manifested a Lead Role in a feature film called "Night Shift"! Really loved the monologues I read for the audition. It's basically about a girl who is putting her foot down to herself, a bad relationship and the universe and finally allowing herself to be fully expressed. This resonated with me so strongly. It's rare that you get those roles that you KNOW are meant for you! It's totally where I am now, Minus the asshole man who's married. My boyfriend has actually been pretty rad lately! haha And thankfully divorced long before we met....but I digress - There was a chance that I'd be traveling the Germany, but I just got the dates and it shoots in LA in August so again the shadow...is bummed...don't get to travel afterall. merrrrrr. It looks like only 3 days of shooting so not gonna miss much work which is good!
I faced a fear and sang in front of my man and recorded a heart song!
This song is pretty special to me and I had amazing people help me with it. And I just did it as a gift and a way to face a fear. It was quite a process that brought up some baggage for me and my man I think and was challenging to get done. It was more work than we anticipated. But we got through. Although it hasn't been quite received and I'm making up not listened to yet or liked...you know like if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all. haha. But here's that shadow again with ego attachment to outcome and validation. But really who cares....the point is I did it! and I gave a gift!
I had gotten a raise on a casting job! And with that money I was able to catch up on a few things in life, to complete my space and invest in making life more efficient. Such as the computer I'm typing on now....I FINALLY HAVE WORD!! and INTERNET! Thank you to my amazing brother who built it for me and is a computer wiz! Was able to update websites today and order postcards in a jiffy! Shadow side creeps out to ask if I really needed to spend that extra money, and brings up fears of not having enough! I have to remind myself to stay in the flow and trust that we are always provided for and its an investment that will create even more to come in.....
My film LEADING LADIES is still kicking butt at festivals around the world! The wind is out of my sails a little bit here because I don't get to go to all these places "Mona" my character gets to go. And we shot it forever ago and I just want it to be SOLD already! But its pretty cool to think my face is traveling the world. I think I have to re-adjust my travel vision board with the words I get to see this places in person! haha But at the end of the day it's not about me. It's about the movie and the story and the message getting out there to change HEARTS & MINDS, that all we need is love, and there isn't just one way it should look!
SO here is my Gratitude list...
I am grateful for my new amazing job at Cafe Gratitude
I am grateful for my giving and talented boyfriend
I am grateful for my cousin living in LA now and blonding up my hair and cooking good food
I am grateful for my rad roommate and the honest and encouraging mirror we give each other and endless hours of sex and the city and bev hills 90210 when I want to veg
I am grateful for the extra money I had this past month
I am grateful for the healthy yummy food at work
I am grateful for NIGHT SHIFT
I am grateful for my role in the short Crimson
I am Grateful for the bus lines
I am grateful for this rain to slow me down
I am grateful for meeting and being able acknowledge Jason Mraz
I am grateful for all the LOVES that I work with
I am grateful for the acknowledgement I get from my co-workers
I am grateful for this computer and internet
I am grateful for my body knowing how to function healthy and on its own everyday
I am grateful for the sacrifice Japan made to show the world ITS TIME TO TAKE CARE OF EACHOTHER AND OUR EARTH
I am grateful for having today off to get some things done for myself.
I am grateful for pain relievers for my gums
I am grateful for heat and pjs
I am grateful for all that is to come.....and the knowingness of there is nowhere to GET TO and NOWHERE to GET.
BE LOVE
xo- me
Monday, March 7, 2011
How to care for Tulips
It's been a while since my last blog....or confession as it were. I havent picked up a new practice or program to share but it doesnt mean the "work" has stopped.
I found myself making a committment to focus on my acting again and imediately attracted another commercial casting job instead. Grateful for the money but still needed a creative release. So I created one!
I went out on a limb and faced a huge fear! HUGE! Singing a song I wrote about a love in my life who is a singer and has never heard me sing. That was a secret creative project I was working on and had friends help me with. I was so nervous and vulnerable putting my ego and heart on the line. But I'm still practicing moving through discomfort and being 100% committment to being fully expressed and this was I block I needed to face. So by the skin of my teeth I got it done. On Vday he recieved the song and I recieved dinner, tulips, lingerie and chocolates. After a big explanation on all the other things he tried to get me that weren't sterotypical vday gifts. haha. But I loved them anyway! It was Lovely. It was a loving exchange. I wish everyday could feel like that! Alowing ourselves to be thoughtful and vulnerable and know that we are safe and appreciated.
I feared I was going to be judged but I wasnt. I made him smile which made me smile. Although, something else got my concerned attention. This was the second tulips appearence that he brought to me, and it struck a strange cord with me. I don't feel like a Tulip. And tulips to me were always a flower to get your grandmother on easter. It felt a bit unromantic. I asked what it was about Tulips that he read off of me. Not the romantic or symbolic answer I was hoping for. I'm paraphrasing but basically an ex liked them, then he found an appreciation for them and saw how cool they were, Roses he felt were Overdone. Here's the thing. I have always loved Roses, they have healing qualities and rose water raises your vibrations, I also like wildflowers and lily's. Tulips are cool, I can dig them, infact I now have a new appreciation for them, but I didnt feel like they "fit" me, and I was hoping he had a reason from his perspective of how they did. But it wasnt about me, unfortunately. It was about him. And that's okay. But they are dead now on my balcony. I thought I killed them with my judgement and slight disappointment. Especially since after seeing them bloom and how rad they actually are, I regret talking badly about them! So I went online today to see if there was anyway to bring them back to life and this is what I found.....
How to Plant Tulips Outside After They Bloom in Pots | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5471225_plant-outside-after-bloom-pots.html#ixzz1Fxul2E3J
"If you've ever received a pot of tulips as a gift, you might have experienced two emotions: excitement at the beauty of the flowers and disappointment that they would eventually die. Although tulips cannot be transplanted in bloom, you can transplant the tulip bulbs after the blooming cycle. The first year after a transplant, the bulbs will produce leaves but may not bloom, but by the second year, the bulbs should produce blooms like they did when in the pot."
IT'S GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER YEAR OR TWO BEFORE THEY BLOOM AGAIN!!!! I have to have alot of patience to recieve the full potential of this flower I never thought I'd want in the first place! OI....there is more symbolism in this than I care to admit, and although in the moment I didnt think he chose the right flowers for me. It was actually the PERFECT flower to represent our LOVE, our Relationship, our friendship, and our individual journies!
I'm happy to also share that another full circle "blooming Tulip Moment" moment which has been complete from a year ago is I have found a new home in the community of Cafe Gratitude LA. My new job, community, friends, peers, co-creators, way of being and reminder of higher purpose! I am so inspired by this place. I have been inspired by the books and the food and the employees and costumers and song lyrics attached to it by others who have been inspired. This looks like a bed of tulips and roses to be and I happy to frolic here right now!
I found myself making a committment to focus on my acting again and imediately attracted another commercial casting job instead. Grateful for the money but still needed a creative release. So I created one!
I went out on a limb and faced a huge fear! HUGE! Singing a song I wrote about a love in my life who is a singer and has never heard me sing. That was a secret creative project I was working on and had friends help me with. I was so nervous and vulnerable putting my ego and heart on the line. But I'm still practicing moving through discomfort and being 100% committment to being fully expressed and this was I block I needed to face. So by the skin of my teeth I got it done. On Vday he recieved the song and I recieved dinner, tulips, lingerie and chocolates. After a big explanation on all the other things he tried to get me that weren't sterotypical vday gifts. haha. But I loved them anyway! It was Lovely. It was a loving exchange. I wish everyday could feel like that! Alowing ourselves to be thoughtful and vulnerable and know that we are safe and appreciated.
I feared I was going to be judged but I wasnt. I made him smile which made me smile. Although, something else got my concerned attention. This was the second tulips appearence that he brought to me, and it struck a strange cord with me. I don't feel like a Tulip. And tulips to me were always a flower to get your grandmother on easter. It felt a bit unromantic. I asked what it was about Tulips that he read off of me. Not the romantic or symbolic answer I was hoping for. I'm paraphrasing but basically an ex liked them, then he found an appreciation for them and saw how cool they were, Roses he felt were Overdone. Here's the thing. I have always loved Roses, they have healing qualities and rose water raises your vibrations, I also like wildflowers and lily's. Tulips are cool, I can dig them, infact I now have a new appreciation for them, but I didnt feel like they "fit" me, and I was hoping he had a reason from his perspective of how they did. But it wasnt about me, unfortunately. It was about him. And that's okay. But they are dead now on my balcony. I thought I killed them with my judgement and slight disappointment. Especially since after seeing them bloom and how rad they actually are, I regret talking badly about them! So I went online today to see if there was anyway to bring them back to life and this is what I found.....
How to Plant Tulips Outside After They Bloom in Pots | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5471225_plant-outside-after-bloom-pots.html#ixzz1Fxul2E3J
"If you've ever received a pot of tulips as a gift, you might have experienced two emotions: excitement at the beauty of the flowers and disappointment that they would eventually die. Although tulips cannot be transplanted in bloom, you can transplant the tulip bulbs after the blooming cycle. The first year after a transplant, the bulbs will produce leaves but may not bloom, but by the second year, the bulbs should produce blooms like they did when in the pot."
IT'S GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER YEAR OR TWO BEFORE THEY BLOOM AGAIN!!!! I have to have alot of patience to recieve the full potential of this flower I never thought I'd want in the first place! OI....there is more symbolism in this than I care to admit, and although in the moment I didnt think he chose the right flowers for me. It was actually the PERFECT flower to represent our LOVE, our Relationship, our friendship, and our individual journies!
I'm happy to also share that another full circle "blooming Tulip Moment" moment which has been complete from a year ago is I have found a new home in the community of Cafe Gratitude LA. My new job, community, friends, peers, co-creators, way of being and reminder of higher purpose! I am so inspired by this place. I have been inspired by the books and the food and the employees and costumers and song lyrics attached to it by others who have been inspired. This looks like a bed of tulips and roses to be and I happy to frolic here right now!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Abounding River DAY 42 - The last day of the book and first day of my own journey
DAY 42 - Abundance Current
I can't believe it's been 42 days of practicing gratitude and aboundance. ANd if I think about all that is happened to awaken my further on this journey it would make more sense that 42 months have gone by, not 42 weeks. Since just before Christmas big changes have been made with MY WAYS in Love, Work, Thoughts, and Beliefs. I'm still practicing however as it's not all perfected but I have great tools under my belt. And the most exciting part of it all is I have a manifestation come true with Cafe Gratitude in LA, something that my consciousness has been giving energy for a year now since meet Ryland in San Rafael and even better and more in alignment with what I want the rest of my life to look like I got a job there to boot!!! Happy Happy Joy Joy!
I have been working on creating more financial flow which looked like steady income to me. But in my 31 years I'm getting picky about where I put my time and energy. And this place is a place that I will feel good frequenting as I believe in everything they stand for and know first hand the benefits Their ideals have served in my life. Their Mantra BE LOVE has been a major transformational force for me the past year almost 2 that they came into my awareness. And I also came to remember that one of my dreams is to open up a cafe-live music venue. Thats is yummy, and magical and creative. So it would benefit me to get me feet wet in this industry again.
So with that here's is my last day of book work and where I'm heading into daily practice.
"all the way to heaven, is heaven"
Do you have enough money right now? YES!!!!
Have you ever missed a meal for lack of food? NO!!!
Have you ever NOT had a place to stay? NO!!!
Has god ever failed to provide the ESSENTIAL forms of Supply? NO!!
START PRACTICING THE BEING WEALTHY NOW! Be that, THIS IS IT! You're Life turned out! YOU ARE RICH!
River Guide - How could creator be anything but wealthy? How could anything be missing?
What I have come to realize is wealth and supply doesn't always look like green paper and coins. It looks like all kinds of things waiting to be appreciated and recognized. It looks like drinking water that is always available to us, it looks like a meal your date bought for you, it looks like frequent flyer miles, and a canned food drive, it looks like flowers blooming and ocean waves crashing, it looks like bees and ants always working in the flow of their earth duties, it sounds like music notesdancing in the air from strangly shaped wooden objects or sound waves that magically reach your car radio, it sounds like the birds singing and wind blowing through the trees. It feels like a full stomach, an inhalation of breath, a healthy immune system and a heated room when it's a blizzard outside. It's the closeness of oneness and the love that is always around us. We can share that loving supply no matter how big or small that pile of green paper looks like. We can give hugs and kisses, eye contact, a smile, or say I love you with nothing else attached or expected from it. We can all be musicians playing the strings of our hearts. Love is the biggest source of abundnace in the world. Without it we couldn't have multiplied for this many centuries and how lucky are we that the earth loves us unconditionally? To let us play here for as long as she has. So let's keep playing nice and appreciate and love her back! She has always given us everything that we have ever needed to live and thrive. It's all already HERE!
I honor creator and relish all that creator has given. I am abundance NOW
In and through me Creator expresses as abundnace. I give my life to being abundnace NOW.
I encourage all of you to take your own journey on the river. And at the very least find something new to be grateful for everyday, it will make you a magnet to have more to be grateful for!
www.cafegratitude.com
BE LOVE!!!
xo-me
I can't believe it's been 42 days of practicing gratitude and aboundance. ANd if I think about all that is happened to awaken my further on this journey it would make more sense that 42 months have gone by, not 42 weeks. Since just before Christmas big changes have been made with MY WAYS in Love, Work, Thoughts, and Beliefs. I'm still practicing however as it's not all perfected but I have great tools under my belt. And the most exciting part of it all is I have a manifestation come true with Cafe Gratitude in LA, something that my consciousness has been giving energy for a year now since meet Ryland in San Rafael and even better and more in alignment with what I want the rest of my life to look like I got a job there to boot!!! Happy Happy Joy Joy!
I have been working on creating more financial flow which looked like steady income to me. But in my 31 years I'm getting picky about where I put my time and energy. And this place is a place that I will feel good frequenting as I believe in everything they stand for and know first hand the benefits Their ideals have served in my life. Their Mantra BE LOVE has been a major transformational force for me the past year almost 2 that they came into my awareness. And I also came to remember that one of my dreams is to open up a cafe-live music venue. Thats is yummy, and magical and creative. So it would benefit me to get me feet wet in this industry again.
So with that here's is my last day of book work and where I'm heading into daily practice.
"all the way to heaven, is heaven"
Do you have enough money right now? YES!!!!
Have you ever missed a meal for lack of food? NO!!!
Have you ever NOT had a place to stay? NO!!!
Has god ever failed to provide the ESSENTIAL forms of Supply? NO!!
START PRACTICING THE BEING WEALTHY NOW! Be that, THIS IS IT! You're Life turned out! YOU ARE RICH!
River Guide - How could creator be anything but wealthy? How could anything be missing?
What I have come to realize is wealth and supply doesn't always look like green paper and coins. It looks like all kinds of things waiting to be appreciated and recognized. It looks like drinking water that is always available to us, it looks like a meal your date bought for you, it looks like frequent flyer miles, and a canned food drive, it looks like flowers blooming and ocean waves crashing, it looks like bees and ants always working in the flow of their earth duties, it sounds like music notesdancing in the air from strangly shaped wooden objects or sound waves that magically reach your car radio, it sounds like the birds singing and wind blowing through the trees. It feels like a full stomach, an inhalation of breath, a healthy immune system and a heated room when it's a blizzard outside. It's the closeness of oneness and the love that is always around us. We can share that loving supply no matter how big or small that pile of green paper looks like. We can give hugs and kisses, eye contact, a smile, or say I love you with nothing else attached or expected from it. We can all be musicians playing the strings of our hearts. Love is the biggest source of abundnace in the world. Without it we couldn't have multiplied for this many centuries and how lucky are we that the earth loves us unconditionally? To let us play here for as long as she has. So let's keep playing nice and appreciate and love her back! She has always given us everything that we have ever needed to live and thrive. It's all already HERE!
I honor creator and relish all that creator has given. I am abundance NOW
In and through me Creator expresses as abundnace. I give my life to being abundnace NOW.
I encourage all of you to take your own journey on the river. And at the very least find something new to be grateful for everyday, it will make you a magnet to have more to be grateful for!
www.cafegratitude.com
BE LOVE!!!
xo-me
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Abounding River - DAY 41
Generosity Current -
Are you as generous as you would like to be? What act could you take today that would stretch that for you?
River guide - Generosity breaks down all barriers of separation.
If I take a look at most of my close relationships, they are pretty equal in giving a recieving. I would like to be ale to be more generous financially and with time for friends. Not having a car forces me to be very selective about traveling and the time invested in that being on the other end of town. Also I have to be generous to myself, and gives my self enough relaxation time to reguventate myself from being sick the past week. If I am completely honest most of my attention the past 2 weeks has been on my relationship, partly to work through some discomfort and also to celebrate new yummy love. But I am recognizing where I could give more of myself to other close friends lately. Now that I have my voice 90% back I should call some people back!
There's a good little list that I put together that could certainly help me stretch myself. Such as putting money aside to pay off at leas a little debt, and being generous to myself by putting a little away in savings.
I am love me being present to love. I am the presence of wholeness.
Here's to more checks coming in!
xo-me
Are you as generous as you would like to be? What act could you take today that would stretch that for you?
River guide - Generosity breaks down all barriers of separation.
If I take a look at most of my close relationships, they are pretty equal in giving a recieving. I would like to be ale to be more generous financially and with time for friends. Not having a car forces me to be very selective about traveling and the time invested in that being on the other end of town. Also I have to be generous to myself, and gives my self enough relaxation time to reguventate myself from being sick the past week. If I am completely honest most of my attention the past 2 weeks has been on my relationship, partly to work through some discomfort and also to celebrate new yummy love. But I am recognizing where I could give more of myself to other close friends lately. Now that I have my voice 90% back I should call some people back!
There's a good little list that I put together that could certainly help me stretch myself. Such as putting money aside to pay off at leas a little debt, and being generous to myself by putting a little away in savings.
I am love me being present to love. I am the presence of wholeness.
Here's to more checks coming in!
xo-me
Monday, January 31, 2011
Abounding River Day 40!!! only 2 more days....
Day 40 - Gratitude Current
In the mirror, express gratitude to yourself for being a grateful person. Thank yourself for being a beacon of gratitude to the world. In the mirror, thank your parents for getting their job done and for being the perfect parents for you.
THANK YOU DIVINE THRIVING NICOLE FOR BEING A GRATEFUL PERSON. THANK YOU MOM AND DAD FOR BEING THE PERFECT PARENTS I NEEDED FOR THIS JOURNEY!
river guide - a life of gratitude is a life of awe.
I greet everything Love me is with gratitude. Being grateful is my living prayer.
You relish and bless all that Love me is. You embody gratitude.
Today I am grateful for my man
I am grateful for my new job coming at cafe gratitude
I am grateful for the zpak
i am grateful for my bed
I am grateful for my legs
i am grateful for my ears and eyes and heart
I am grateful for my bank card
I am grateful for the beach
I am grateful for my guitar
I am grateful for heat
I am grateful for coffee
I am grateful for music that inpires me
xo-me
In the mirror, express gratitude to yourself for being a grateful person. Thank yourself for being a beacon of gratitude to the world. In the mirror, thank your parents for getting their job done and for being the perfect parents for you.
THANK YOU DIVINE THRIVING NICOLE FOR BEING A GRATEFUL PERSON. THANK YOU MOM AND DAD FOR BEING THE PERFECT PARENTS I NEEDED FOR THIS JOURNEY!
river guide - a life of gratitude is a life of awe.
I greet everything Love me is with gratitude. Being grateful is my living prayer.
You relish and bless all that Love me is. You embody gratitude.
Today I am grateful for my man
I am grateful for my new job coming at cafe gratitude
I am grateful for the zpak
i am grateful for my bed
I am grateful for my legs
i am grateful for my ears and eyes and heart
I am grateful for my bank card
I am grateful for the beach
I am grateful for my guitar
I am grateful for heat
I am grateful for coffee
I am grateful for music that inpires me
xo-me
Abounding River Day 35 - 39
Day 35 - Generosity Current
"Kindness costs nothing"
Consider all thingd you have that take up space, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Consider everything that you aren't relishing is occupying the space of something new.
RELEASE something today making space for the NEW.
Things I have not been relishing....
Fighting with my man
some of my clothes that I'm tired of wearing
missing buses
sadness, lack thought and feelings, obsessing and overanalyzing.
bipolar industry
NO MORE ACTING OUT!!! ONLY ACTING UP!!
As I give, I bless the whole of myself. As I recieve, I honor all that spirit Goddess me is.
DAY 36 - Abundance Current
Better is a handful of quietness than both hands full together with toil and grasping for the wind.
Are you a great recieving? Where do you resist recieving?
I am much better at recieving than I used to be be I'm better at letting a guy pay or a friend taking the tab or even recieving compliments. Most of the time I can say Thank you without arguing it or deflecting first.
Some areas I resist recieving....job opportunities, because it doesn'y look exactly the way I'd "WANT" it. Being Vulnerable or chance looking bad. Talking to Famous people I'm working near, Connecting to home more, Money on some level becuase I havent created abundance for myself that looks bigger than what I have been used to yet....
MAKE A REQUEST OF SOMEONE, To recieve some form of supply.
"It's not about being granted it's about making the request"
Request to Help recording
Request for an overdue date....(he made request me first)
Request to be seen by CDs and Producers of films and TV I want to be a part of.
I am Love so I am Worthiness now. I relish my attention on being fulfilled.
You are love present to your wholeness now.
DAY 37 - Creation current
"Percepion is a learned phenomenon."
Introduce your self as your spirit name. HELLO I AM DIVINE THRIVING NICOLE! Hey just in case you didnt know, my name is really Divine Thriving Nicole.
RIVER GUIDE - If you can't call yourself Divine Thriving Nicole Than what are you committed to?
Might worry someone else will think I'm being a silly hippy and won't or can't be takin seriously.
Who I am being thinking, speaking, believing, acting, and attituding creates my experience of life. Whatever experience I am having I am creating. I now choose to love my life.
Knowing you create your experience of life you choose to love your life now.
Where am I not taking responsiblity today? Making assumptions in work and love. Could be more clear and attentive to details before the issues arise. I am choosing to be exactly where I am, and how I feel. I can choose to feel differently or change my circumstance.
I am divine creation. I honor creator by adoring myself.
DAY 38 - Worth Current
If you could be known for any quality of being, what would you be known for? Look in the mirror and acknowledge yourself for being that way.
I want to be known to be inspirational. I want to create and ispire others to create and grow and change for all of our highest good. So I want to be known for being inspirational!
I am a divine creation. I honor Creator by adoring myself.
DAY 39 - Love and Acceptance
What do you resist or not accept about your finances.
Well this one is easy, I dont accept my debt, lack of savings, or that I don't have steady income. That I need to create more abundance by raising my standards of work and asking for more.
What could ou say that would create the same situation in acceptance.
I am perfectly takin care of Right now!
River guide - What you resist will persist. Loving and accepting gets you out of your own way.
Creator is being my life and being all of life. I trust creator and bless creator in and as everything.
Before bed... did you extend Love to everyone you encountered? Imagine extending more!! Had a fun day of celebrating the music of Bill withers and his daughter Kori who is amazing. Spent time with my good friend who's moving soon who is also very talented singer and my man and friends celebrating the fact that I got a Job at CAFE GRATITUDE, and They had an AMAZING SHOW, got people dancing in there seats to the music, gave love to doggies and made love to my babe. All in all a pretty awesome day! ANd the morning has been lovely too.
more of this please!
xo-me
okay
"Kindness costs nothing"
Consider all thingd you have that take up space, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Consider everything that you aren't relishing is occupying the space of something new.
RELEASE something today making space for the NEW.
Things I have not been relishing....
Fighting with my man
some of my clothes that I'm tired of wearing
missing buses
sadness, lack thought and feelings, obsessing and overanalyzing.
bipolar industry
NO MORE ACTING OUT!!! ONLY ACTING UP!!
As I give, I bless the whole of myself. As I recieve, I honor all that spirit Goddess me is.
DAY 36 - Abundance Current
Better is a handful of quietness than both hands full together with toil and grasping for the wind.
Are you a great recieving? Where do you resist recieving?
I am much better at recieving than I used to be be I'm better at letting a guy pay or a friend taking the tab or even recieving compliments. Most of the time I can say Thank you without arguing it or deflecting first.
Some areas I resist recieving....job opportunities, because it doesn'y look exactly the way I'd "WANT" it. Being Vulnerable or chance looking bad. Talking to Famous people I'm working near, Connecting to home more, Money on some level becuase I havent created abundance for myself that looks bigger than what I have been used to yet....
MAKE A REQUEST OF SOMEONE, To recieve some form of supply.
"It's not about being granted it's about making the request"
Request to Help recording
Request for an overdue date....(he made request me first)
Request to be seen by CDs and Producers of films and TV I want to be a part of.
I am Love so I am Worthiness now. I relish my attention on being fulfilled.
You are love present to your wholeness now.
DAY 37 - Creation current
"Percepion is a learned phenomenon."
Introduce your self as your spirit name. HELLO I AM DIVINE THRIVING NICOLE! Hey just in case you didnt know, my name is really Divine Thriving Nicole.
RIVER GUIDE - If you can't call yourself Divine Thriving Nicole Than what are you committed to?
Might worry someone else will think I'm being a silly hippy and won't or can't be takin seriously.
Who I am being thinking, speaking, believing, acting, and attituding creates my experience of life. Whatever experience I am having I am creating. I now choose to love my life.
Knowing you create your experience of life you choose to love your life now.
Where am I not taking responsiblity today? Making assumptions in work and love. Could be more clear and attentive to details before the issues arise. I am choosing to be exactly where I am, and how I feel. I can choose to feel differently or change my circumstance.
I am divine creation. I honor creator by adoring myself.
DAY 38 - Worth Current
If you could be known for any quality of being, what would you be known for? Look in the mirror and acknowledge yourself for being that way.
I want to be known to be inspirational. I want to create and ispire others to create and grow and change for all of our highest good. So I want to be known for being inspirational!
I am a divine creation. I honor Creator by adoring myself.
DAY 39 - Love and Acceptance
What do you resist or not accept about your finances.
Well this one is easy, I dont accept my debt, lack of savings, or that I don't have steady income. That I need to create more abundance by raising my standards of work and asking for more.
What could ou say that would create the same situation in acceptance.
I am perfectly takin care of Right now!
River guide - What you resist will persist. Loving and accepting gets you out of your own way.
Creator is being my life and being all of life. I trust creator and bless creator in and as everything.
Before bed... did you extend Love to everyone you encountered? Imagine extending more!! Had a fun day of celebrating the music of Bill withers and his daughter Kori who is amazing. Spent time with my good friend who's moving soon who is also very talented singer and my man and friends celebrating the fact that I got a Job at CAFE GRATITUDE, and They had an AMAZING SHOW, got people dancing in there seats to the music, gave love to doggies and made love to my babe. All in all a pretty awesome day! ANd the morning has been lovely too.
more of this please!
xo-me
okay
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Abounding River - 32 - 34 - more catch up to come
DAY 32 - Worth
"I'm the adoring love of the creator' - SAY IT OUT LOUD, and what is your experience.
What I want wants me, Iam everything Creator is. I love and value myslef as creator's creation.
I am creator's masterpiece. I adore myself.
The before bed exercise helped the most today. Thank creator you for revealing to you what area in your life you can be more loving to yourself. My "love life". Taking my own power back, not allowing myself to feel like victim of circumstance, and if something is unconfortable for me I need to do something to change it and not wait for someone else to change it for me. As uncomfortable as that conversation was the fact that I was about to take something into my own hands, light the fire under an ass to clear something that has been long over due to move forward, and just that simple act of facing assumption relieved 90% of the ick I've been feeling lately. SPEAK UP, STAND UP, OWN YOUR POWER, YOUR WORTH IT!!!
DAY 33 - Love & Acceptance current
"to love for the sake of being loved is human, to love for the sake of loving is Angelic" - Alphonse de LaMartine
Listen to someone is your life that everything they say is "GOLD", grant them loving acceptance.
WOAH - had pretty insense convos with Dad and my guy! Clearing, holding space, standing up for myself, accepting them for their processes, testing my patience and emotions, and trying real hard to listen and BELIEVE their word as GOLDEN, and just saying whats absolutely nessessary for me. rough day, rough convos of breaking patterns and habits but the light at the end of the tunnel was I was able to feel weight lifted at the end of both conversations.
river guide - LOVE is everywhere and everyone!
another great before bed exercise - See every cell of your body working perfectly recieving what it requires....(i've been sick so thats interesting) and then put your attention on part of the whole that you dont accept as perfect, (person, condition, event). Next Thank LOVE for revealing to you the opportunity this part of the whole is. Be grateful for the Guidance and log any appropriate action to take.
I need to reach out to someone, and do a clearing for me. Someone I got caught in an awkward triangle in not from my own making, and I need to send this situation Love and trust!
DAY 34 - gratitude current
"We have infinite reasons to be happy, and a serious responsiblity to not be too serious" - Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
With whom can you be more grateful for Right now? Today take actions to express that gratitude.
my dad for teaching me guitar
my guy for clearing the cloud thats been holding us back.
I still could probably do something special for them, I have a rad gift idea for vday- which I'll be facing a fear on too.
to be contunued....
"I'm the adoring love of the creator' - SAY IT OUT LOUD, and what is your experience.
What I want wants me, Iam everything Creator is. I love and value myslef as creator's creation.
I am creator's masterpiece. I adore myself.
The before bed exercise helped the most today. Thank creator you for revealing to you what area in your life you can be more loving to yourself. My "love life". Taking my own power back, not allowing myself to feel like victim of circumstance, and if something is unconfortable for me I need to do something to change it and not wait for someone else to change it for me. As uncomfortable as that conversation was the fact that I was about to take something into my own hands, light the fire under an ass to clear something that has been long over due to move forward, and just that simple act of facing assumption relieved 90% of the ick I've been feeling lately. SPEAK UP, STAND UP, OWN YOUR POWER, YOUR WORTH IT!!!
DAY 33 - Love & Acceptance current
"to love for the sake of being loved is human, to love for the sake of loving is Angelic" - Alphonse de LaMartine
Listen to someone is your life that everything they say is "GOLD", grant them loving acceptance.
WOAH - had pretty insense convos with Dad and my guy! Clearing, holding space, standing up for myself, accepting them for their processes, testing my patience and emotions, and trying real hard to listen and BELIEVE their word as GOLDEN, and just saying whats absolutely nessessary for me. rough day, rough convos of breaking patterns and habits but the light at the end of the tunnel was I was able to feel weight lifted at the end of both conversations.
river guide - LOVE is everywhere and everyone!
another great before bed exercise - See every cell of your body working perfectly recieving what it requires....(i've been sick so thats interesting) and then put your attention on part of the whole that you dont accept as perfect, (person, condition, event). Next Thank LOVE for revealing to you the opportunity this part of the whole is. Be grateful for the Guidance and log any appropriate action to take.
I need to reach out to someone, and do a clearing for me. Someone I got caught in an awkward triangle in not from my own making, and I need to send this situation Love and trust!
DAY 34 - gratitude current
"We have infinite reasons to be happy, and a serious responsiblity to not be too serious" - Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
With whom can you be more grateful for Right now? Today take actions to express that gratitude.
my dad for teaching me guitar
my guy for clearing the cloud thats been holding us back.
I still could probably do something special for them, I have a rad gift idea for vday- which I'll be facing a fear on too.
to be contunued....
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Abounding River - Day 31 - hey I'm 31!
Day 31 - Creation current
"Let one therefore keep the mind pure, for what a man thinks, that he becomes" - The Upanishads
Practice thinking, speaking, believing, acting, and having an attitude of, "I live a blessed life" all day. Bless everything, every circumstance, and every person as an opportunity to be LOVE all day long. Start your day by saying, "I live a blessed life" 7 times in the mirror. I wish I got to this this morning but better late than never.
River guide - YOU GET TO SAY HOW YOUR LIFE IS. WHY NOT CREATE IT AS BLESSED?
"I adore LIGHT me as my life now. I honor LIGHT me by keeping my attention on the fullness of my life. I am blessed now."
Time for Light me to go home and make some food and pop in a movie with a heating pad on my heart! Loving away the virus that has been getting passed along.
Feel well everyone! Be healthy and Vital and sing out loud before you lose your voice!
You are blessed,
xo- me
"Let one therefore keep the mind pure, for what a man thinks, that he becomes" - The Upanishads
Practice thinking, speaking, believing, acting, and having an attitude of, "I live a blessed life" all day. Bless everything, every circumstance, and every person as an opportunity to be LOVE all day long. Start your day by saying, "I live a blessed life" 7 times in the mirror. I wish I got to this this morning but better late than never.
River guide - YOU GET TO SAY HOW YOUR LIFE IS. WHY NOT CREATE IT AS BLESSED?
"I adore LIGHT me as my life now. I honor LIGHT me by keeping my attention on the fullness of my life. I am blessed now."
Time for Light me to go home and make some food and pop in a movie with a heating pad on my heart! Loving away the virus that has been getting passed along.
Feel well everyone! Be healthy and Vital and sing out loud before you lose your voice!
You are blessed,
xo- me
Abounding River Days 26-30 - more catch up
DAY 26 - Worth Current
"above all things, Revere yourself!"
What would you like to be acknowledged for? Make a request of someone in your life to acknowledge or appreciate you for what you chose. Pick something that stretches your worth.
Not sure how much it stretched my worth, but it certainly streched my growth. I chose to asked my man, (who hasnt been completely my man up til this point for a few reason but one because he smokes weeds sometimes) I have a huge judegemnt and wound from weed due to past conditioning and I chose recently to move through the discomfort by being with him and actually seeing him a little high. It was unconfortable, but not the end of times! lol. I still have a hard time being turned on by blood shot eyes, but when I sat with it, I came to the realization that he still is the amazing guy that treats me well in so many ways and is talented and driven and it doesnt consume his life or hold him back, its a moment for him not all of him. I wanted to be acknowledged for moving though the discomfort, allowing myself to drop the judgement, releasing myself from the past, and having that realization. And he did and acknowledged even more of the things he admires and respects about me!
RIVER GUIDE - Why not appreciate yourself as Divine's PERFECT creation
DAY 27 - Love & Acceptance
Identify one relationship in your life where you are withholding love. How could you be more accepting so that LOVE would be present?
River guide - Look for someone whom you dont experience love like you once did. Why would you let anything get in the way of love?
This was tough to really connect with today because i was on set for 12 hours in awe of watching Adam Sandler, Johnney Depp, and AL PACINO work! Plus I spent most of the day walking back and forth and up and down the stairs. Yes, extra work, but when I get to see my idols I am sOOOO grateful for it! 3 dreams came true in a way only thing better is acting with them!
But back to question - DAD for sure dad, so much so I have been avoiding his calls, when I looked back on that it was interesting to see johnny and Al because if I wrote and shot a movie of my dad's crazy life, I'd want to cast those two actors to play him. It was a moment of appreciation, spirtiual connection and acknowledgement I had for him. I energetically sent him love, and happy to report 2 days later he called, I answered and we probably had one of the most CLEAR conversations we have ever shared. It was lovely. I would love to experience more of those please universe!
"I Love and accept myself and others as we are. I devote myself to LOVE me by choosing to adore all of life in every now moment."
DAY 28 - Gratitude Current
Perfectly divine that it's gratitude day and I had an interview with Cafe Gratitude for their LA opening!
Express gratitude for some historial figure or event that has contributed to our life.
Another syncronicity being the day prior just happened to be Martin Luther King Jr Day, and three of my friends happened to be up during wee hours of morning discussing society and social conditioning and this LOVE FILLED amzing man came up. We all agreed that he deserved more acknowledgemnt then he has been giving by goverment etc. He has a day, but we do not really observe it. It should be a day to contemplate on the shifts he made for so many people, steps in getting us closer to THE ONE & LOVE conscousiness. That should be a day off just like presidents day!
Today I am grateful for my man letting me stay with him in hollywood so Im closer to all my commitments and opportunities, grateful for My audition, my interview with cafe gratitude, buses that get me where I need to go, The loves that gave me work this week, internet, hot water, my immune system fighting, work to come, and johnny depp for being so pretty! haha
DAY 29 - Generosity
River Guide - Being generous may be giving of your time, your money, your knowledge etc. Stretch yourself in opening up to the flow.
acknowledge yourself for how you are generous and how others are generous to you.
my man this whole week with time and space, friend sharing feelings with, mom always, another friend helping me get work. myself for allowing myself to recieve!!!!
me to others about healing things I read, listening and holding space, getting actor friends auditions and jobs.
"I am a divine giver, I practice being LOVE me by being generous".
DAY 30 - Abundance Current
What would be available to you if yougave up trying to get somewhere? what would your experience be if you really could own that life turned out? SAY OUT LOUD " I have a great life! "
oooooh, this one, well I'm starting to realize TRYING never helps you HAVE anything.
I can GIVE UP TRYING to be an actress, I AM ONE! And I'm having alot of reflections of seeing those I admire or actors from one of my favorites in my prescense lately to remind me, what MY PURPOSE is. It also allows me to be open to knew paths and growths. And I have certainly shifted something with but struggle of casting/acting. I just had a casting asistant job thursday and the UPM assumed I was an actress and put me on camera! He saw all of me. I had a friend of a friend who is an amazing singer/songwriter ask me if I sing and write too randomly and he only knows me as a casting direcotor and actress. LOVE will be fully available to me the more I can accept my love for exactly who he is right now. Of course without compromising myself, That's the balance. But dropping the idea of what it was supposed to look like. Opportunity's for financial flow will be available to me, as a speak up for what I feel a deserve and also be open to opportunities that arent always nessessarily on my "goal" path. every path leads somewhere new and exciting right! I HAVE A GREAT LIFE!!!!!
I am fulfilled now. I am present to being Millions now!
weeeeeeeeeeeeee!
xo - me
"above all things, Revere yourself!"
What would you like to be acknowledged for? Make a request of someone in your life to acknowledge or appreciate you for what you chose. Pick something that stretches your worth.
Not sure how much it stretched my worth, but it certainly streched my growth. I chose to asked my man, (who hasnt been completely my man up til this point for a few reason but one because he smokes weeds sometimes) I have a huge judegemnt and wound from weed due to past conditioning and I chose recently to move through the discomfort by being with him and actually seeing him a little high. It was unconfortable, but not the end of times! lol. I still have a hard time being turned on by blood shot eyes, but when I sat with it, I came to the realization that he still is the amazing guy that treats me well in so many ways and is talented and driven and it doesnt consume his life or hold him back, its a moment for him not all of him. I wanted to be acknowledged for moving though the discomfort, allowing myself to drop the judgement, releasing myself from the past, and having that realization. And he did and acknowledged even more of the things he admires and respects about me!
RIVER GUIDE - Why not appreciate yourself as Divine's PERFECT creation
DAY 27 - Love & Acceptance
Identify one relationship in your life where you are withholding love. How could you be more accepting so that LOVE would be present?
River guide - Look for someone whom you dont experience love like you once did. Why would you let anything get in the way of love?
This was tough to really connect with today because i was on set for 12 hours in awe of watching Adam Sandler, Johnney Depp, and AL PACINO work! Plus I spent most of the day walking back and forth and up and down the stairs. Yes, extra work, but when I get to see my idols I am sOOOO grateful for it! 3 dreams came true in a way only thing better is acting with them!
But back to question - DAD for sure dad, so much so I have been avoiding his calls, when I looked back on that it was interesting to see johnny and Al because if I wrote and shot a movie of my dad's crazy life, I'd want to cast those two actors to play him. It was a moment of appreciation, spirtiual connection and acknowledgement I had for him. I energetically sent him love, and happy to report 2 days later he called, I answered and we probably had one of the most CLEAR conversations we have ever shared. It was lovely. I would love to experience more of those please universe!
"I Love and accept myself and others as we are. I devote myself to LOVE me by choosing to adore all of life in every now moment."
DAY 28 - Gratitude Current
Perfectly divine that it's gratitude day and I had an interview with Cafe Gratitude for their LA opening!
Express gratitude for some historial figure or event that has contributed to our life.
Another syncronicity being the day prior just happened to be Martin Luther King Jr Day, and three of my friends happened to be up during wee hours of morning discussing society and social conditioning and this LOVE FILLED amzing man came up. We all agreed that he deserved more acknowledgemnt then he has been giving by goverment etc. He has a day, but we do not really observe it. It should be a day to contemplate on the shifts he made for so many people, steps in getting us closer to THE ONE & LOVE conscousiness. That should be a day off just like presidents day!
Today I am grateful for my man letting me stay with him in hollywood so Im closer to all my commitments and opportunities, grateful for My audition, my interview with cafe gratitude, buses that get me where I need to go, The loves that gave me work this week, internet, hot water, my immune system fighting, work to come, and johnny depp for being so pretty! haha
DAY 29 - Generosity
River Guide - Being generous may be giving of your time, your money, your knowledge etc. Stretch yourself in opening up to the flow.
acknowledge yourself for how you are generous and how others are generous to you.
my man this whole week with time and space, friend sharing feelings with, mom always, another friend helping me get work. myself for allowing myself to recieve!!!!
me to others about healing things I read, listening and holding space, getting actor friends auditions and jobs.
"I am a divine giver, I practice being LOVE me by being generous".
DAY 30 - Abundance Current
What would be available to you if yougave up trying to get somewhere? what would your experience be if you really could own that life turned out? SAY OUT LOUD " I have a great life! "
oooooh, this one, well I'm starting to realize TRYING never helps you HAVE anything.
I can GIVE UP TRYING to be an actress, I AM ONE! And I'm having alot of reflections of seeing those I admire or actors from one of my favorites in my prescense lately to remind me, what MY PURPOSE is. It also allows me to be open to knew paths and growths. And I have certainly shifted something with but struggle of casting/acting. I just had a casting asistant job thursday and the UPM assumed I was an actress and put me on camera! He saw all of me. I had a friend of a friend who is an amazing singer/songwriter ask me if I sing and write too randomly and he only knows me as a casting direcotor and actress. LOVE will be fully available to me the more I can accept my love for exactly who he is right now. Of course without compromising myself, That's the balance. But dropping the idea of what it was supposed to look like. Opportunity's for financial flow will be available to me, as a speak up for what I feel a deserve and also be open to opportunities that arent always nessessarily on my "goal" path. every path leads somewhere new and exciting right! I HAVE A GREAT LIFE!!!!!
I am fulfilled now. I am present to being Millions now!
weeeeeeeeeeeeee!
xo - me
Monday, January 17, 2011
Abounding River 20 through 25 - I have been a little lax
Lordy Bee,
I got a bit behind a few days but it looks worse that it is, I have been journaling just not blogging. I dont have internet at home currently so i have to wait until a get to a coffee shop and as Abundant as I am feeling and working I still have to be smart about spending more than I should to get internet. But I'm being careful of the language I'm using to. It's so hard to not fall into the trap of Can't afford etc!
At any rate let's catch up shall we? -
DAY 20 - Worth Current
"Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness"
List 3 ways of being that dimish your experience of being worthy -
1. I should be working on my monologues (beating myself up for procrastinating)
2. I can't afford cable and internet right now (yet I spend money alot of days at a coffeshop to get it)
3. I'm unsure if my heart is safe with this person (he is proving he has changed and is going above and beyond to show me my worth if I just accept it allow it and be in my gratitude for all that he is doing and saying)
River Guide -Why not love yourself as you love others?
Grateful for KRISTAN for giving me a free couch, Uhaul for rented me the truck, Joel, Pete, Trey, and Jesse for helping me carry it down and up many flights of stairs, Coyote for paying me so I could afoord the uhaul. And the universes humor discovering when I got it stuck in my doorway it came apart and I could have saved time, energy and money of everyone involved. But it being a worthy day, I think it all played the part for me to know I have lovely men in my life I can depend on!
"love is having a Nicole experience"
DAY 21 - Love & Acceptance Current
What do you notice, when you are really loving with yourself and others?
Things seem to work out for the best, I feel good, I look good, I take care of myself, I attract more good, others feel good around me, I want to do good for others, I am vibrating at a higher energy frequency!
Today was the screening of Leading Ladies at the Palm Springs international Film Festival - We got so much love for the film, and appreciation from the audience it was a reminder of why I want to be an actress and involved in creating magical love inspiring stories!
I now choose to love and accept myself and others as spirit. I celebrate spirit in you and in everyone all day long.
DAY 22 - Gratitude Current
"He is well paid that he is well satisfied"
List 3 forms of supply that you take for granted
1. Electricity
2. Hotwater
3. Mother's love
My friend recented had a power outage on her block for a few days and it was a reminder of how different and not as simple live is if we didnt have electricity & hotwater. We'd all be without internet, light (except candle), blowdryers, curling irons, I probably wouldnt shave my legs cause I could stand standing in cold water for to long or I'd option to be a dirty smelly hippy. And mom's are the ultimate expression of unconditional love, well them and dogs! hehe They are always there, no matter how many times you "screw up" or don't call back, or need a shoulder to cry on. I know there are some exceptions but I am blessed with one of those awesome mom's and I don't acknowledge her enough!
"I am grateful for all the expressions of creator filled me"
DAY 23 - generosity current
What is your experience when you give freely?
Give something away you are attached to.
I went to the redbox to rent two movies for $2.20 a man I have seen there before sitting with his bike was accepting change or food. I have been struggling with my old self a bit holding tighter to my money since I don't current have income coming in, yet here I am spending 2 dollars on movies, so I gave him a dollar. I didnt think twice about really and it felt good and he actually looked surprised and was very grateful.
River guide - where does it all go anyway?
it's just investing into the oneness of us all isnt it?!
"I am honored to share my abundance with everyone now"
DAY 24 - Abundance current
"there is a treasure of Joy within you, why do you keep knocking from door to door"
What is something you say you want, that you can let go of wanting? write it down, tear it up and throw it away
I release wanting a car now!
I release wanting a job now!
I release wanting a smaller nose now!
and many more things I feel I dont have right now but should...those thoughts keep it "out there" away from my grasp.
"I am enjoying letting go of wants that I no longer need. I am completely fulfilled by the quality of abundance love me is being as me and as my life now!"
DAY 25 - Creation Current
Identify a thought of limitation that is re-ocurring
"I can't afford..."
shift it to
I am now able to afford...
River guide - You can practice thinking anything!
I am practicing trust, even though I don't currently see income flowing in, and still allowing myself to take care of my wants and needs by giving supply in order to recieve.
ie, starbucks, time witha friend, lunch at happy hour, bus fare etc
Grateful for and acknowledging the time, love, dinners, compliments, and sexy time with a special man in my life right now!
"I am one with all that is, everything I see and don't see. Everything I could ever desire, I already am. I am whole and complete now.
WHAT I WANT WANTS ME!!!!!
fieeeewww! okay big breath and on to Day 26
xo- me
I got a bit behind a few days but it looks worse that it is, I have been journaling just not blogging. I dont have internet at home currently so i have to wait until a get to a coffee shop and as Abundant as I am feeling and working I still have to be smart about spending more than I should to get internet. But I'm being careful of the language I'm using to. It's so hard to not fall into the trap of Can't afford etc!
At any rate let's catch up shall we? -
DAY 20 - Worth Current
"Your problem is you are too busy holding on to your unworthiness"
List 3 ways of being that dimish your experience of being worthy -
1. I should be working on my monologues (beating myself up for procrastinating)
2. I can't afford cable and internet right now (yet I spend money alot of days at a coffeshop to get it)
3. I'm unsure if my heart is safe with this person (he is proving he has changed and is going above and beyond to show me my worth if I just accept it allow it and be in my gratitude for all that he is doing and saying)
River Guide -Why not love yourself as you love others?
Grateful for KRISTAN for giving me a free couch, Uhaul for rented me the truck, Joel, Pete, Trey, and Jesse for helping me carry it down and up many flights of stairs, Coyote for paying me so I could afoord the uhaul. And the universes humor discovering when I got it stuck in my doorway it came apart and I could have saved time, energy and money of everyone involved. But it being a worthy day, I think it all played the part for me to know I have lovely men in my life I can depend on!
"love is having a Nicole experience"
DAY 21 - Love & Acceptance Current
What do you notice, when you are really loving with yourself and others?
Things seem to work out for the best, I feel good, I look good, I take care of myself, I attract more good, others feel good around me, I want to do good for others, I am vibrating at a higher energy frequency!
Today was the screening of Leading Ladies at the Palm Springs international Film Festival - We got so much love for the film, and appreciation from the audience it was a reminder of why I want to be an actress and involved in creating magical love inspiring stories!
I now choose to love and accept myself and others as spirit. I celebrate spirit in you and in everyone all day long.
DAY 22 - Gratitude Current
"He is well paid that he is well satisfied"
List 3 forms of supply that you take for granted
1. Electricity
2. Hotwater
3. Mother's love
My friend recented had a power outage on her block for a few days and it was a reminder of how different and not as simple live is if we didnt have electricity & hotwater. We'd all be without internet, light (except candle), blowdryers, curling irons, I probably wouldnt shave my legs cause I could stand standing in cold water for to long or I'd option to be a dirty smelly hippy. And mom's are the ultimate expression of unconditional love, well them and dogs! hehe They are always there, no matter how many times you "screw up" or don't call back, or need a shoulder to cry on. I know there are some exceptions but I am blessed with one of those awesome mom's and I don't acknowledge her enough!
"I am grateful for all the expressions of creator filled me"
DAY 23 - generosity current
What is your experience when you give freely?
Give something away you are attached to.
I went to the redbox to rent two movies for $2.20 a man I have seen there before sitting with his bike was accepting change or food. I have been struggling with my old self a bit holding tighter to my money since I don't current have income coming in, yet here I am spending 2 dollars on movies, so I gave him a dollar. I didnt think twice about really and it felt good and he actually looked surprised and was very grateful.
River guide - where does it all go anyway?
it's just investing into the oneness of us all isnt it?!
"I am honored to share my abundance with everyone now"
DAY 24 - Abundance current
"there is a treasure of Joy within you, why do you keep knocking from door to door"
What is something you say you want, that you can let go of wanting? write it down, tear it up and throw it away
I release wanting a car now!
I release wanting a job now!
I release wanting a smaller nose now!
and many more things I feel I dont have right now but should...those thoughts keep it "out there" away from my grasp.
"I am enjoying letting go of wants that I no longer need. I am completely fulfilled by the quality of abundance love me is being as me and as my life now!"
DAY 25 - Creation Current
Identify a thought of limitation that is re-ocurring
"I can't afford..."
shift it to
I am now able to afford...
River guide - You can practice thinking anything!
I am practicing trust, even though I don't currently see income flowing in, and still allowing myself to take care of my wants and needs by giving supply in order to recieve.
ie, starbucks, time witha friend, lunch at happy hour, bus fare etc
Grateful for and acknowledging the time, love, dinners, compliments, and sexy time with a special man in my life right now!
"I am one with all that is, everything I see and don't see. Everything I could ever desire, I already am. I am whole and complete now.
WHAT I WANT WANTS ME!!!!!
fieeeewww! okay big breath and on to Day 26
xo- me
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Abounding River Day 18 & 19 - sooooo behind, and feeling it
Day 18
Abundance Current
"we walk by Faith not by sight"
WHat is something I think or say that Limits my experience of Abundance?
I'm broke
I can't afford to
I need work
I can't......(anything)
River guide - Our inhibitions (seem real) in what we think, say, believe, act, and attitude
Different things I THINK about me.....
I'm awesome in alot of ways, I'm indecisive, I'm expressive, I'm honest, I dont always look cute, I wont ever be rich
Act - loving, critical, fun, tired
Believe - I deserve better, I'm a teacher, I have had a harder road than most
Say - exhausted, broke, loving, a catch, confused, fickle, talented, can't sing
Attitude - depends on the day, most of the time happy, lately not entirely, which sucks...what is this funk?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE CREATOR AND CREATOR YOU IS THE ONLY CONSTANT SOURCE OF ABUNDANCE!
Day 19
Creation current
Say, I trust divine me as my unlimited source and supply. write down what your experience is when you say that....no wonder I have to come back to this one. I didnt commit to finishing this day and then lagged behind, so that tells me something.
River guide - If you arent trusting DIVINE who or what are you trusting?
yikes....another one. I am being faced with lots of trust issues right now. especially since the next few days were spent with someone I am trying to build trust with again.
1/11/2011 - had been screwy with me from the jump! But I GOT A FREE COUCH!
When I say free I mean $100 later, in truck, gas, food money to helpful men. But never the less, grateful to finally have it, and a complete looking living room!
With all the snags that happened with moving a couch down 7 flights of stairs only to find it came apart later! TRUST! Trusting this man who wants to be in my life that went above and beyond to show his love for me the past few days, trusting running into people that I thought I'd not see for a ll time because of this man, and what that brought up for me, trusting the love of a brother and friend to help with no expectation, to trust it fitting into my doorway apartment, to trust I had the money to spend. It's all good! Trusting my hearts is exactly where it's supposed to be if I'm truely following it!
I choose Divine thoughts, speech, beliefs, actions, attitudes all day long. I love choosing to live as Divine Abundant me!
now to catch up with day 20, 21, 22!
xo-me
Abundance Current
"we walk by Faith not by sight"
WHat is something I think or say that Limits my experience of Abundance?
I'm broke
I can't afford to
I need work
I can't......(anything)
River guide - Our inhibitions (seem real) in what we think, say, believe, act, and attitude
Different things I THINK about me.....
I'm awesome in alot of ways, I'm indecisive, I'm expressive, I'm honest, I dont always look cute, I wont ever be rich
Act - loving, critical, fun, tired
Believe - I deserve better, I'm a teacher, I have had a harder road than most
Say - exhausted, broke, loving, a catch, confused, fickle, talented, can't sing
Attitude - depends on the day, most of the time happy, lately not entirely, which sucks...what is this funk?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE CREATOR AND CREATOR YOU IS THE ONLY CONSTANT SOURCE OF ABUNDANCE!
Day 19
Creation current
Say, I trust divine me as my unlimited source and supply. write down what your experience is when you say that....no wonder I have to come back to this one. I didnt commit to finishing this day and then lagged behind, so that tells me something.
River guide - If you arent trusting DIVINE who or what are you trusting?
yikes....another one. I am being faced with lots of trust issues right now. especially since the next few days were spent with someone I am trying to build trust with again.
1/11/2011 - had been screwy with me from the jump! But I GOT A FREE COUCH!
When I say free I mean $100 later, in truck, gas, food money to helpful men. But never the less, grateful to finally have it, and a complete looking living room!
With all the snags that happened with moving a couch down 7 flights of stairs only to find it came apart later! TRUST! Trusting this man who wants to be in my life that went above and beyond to show his love for me the past few days, trusting running into people that I thought I'd not see for a ll time because of this man, and what that brought up for me, trusting the love of a brother and friend to help with no expectation, to trust it fitting into my doorway apartment, to trust I had the money to spend. It's all good! Trusting my hearts is exactly where it's supposed to be if I'm truely following it!
I choose Divine thoughts, speech, beliefs, actions, attitudes all day long. I love choosing to live as Divine Abundant me!
now to catch up with day 20, 21, 22!
xo-me
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